It is my first time to discuss anything online but I am really HELPLESS and would greatly appreciate mature advice. I am very in need to someone to listen to me and tell me what they think especially I would like to know this from a guy persepctive.
here goes my situation:-
I am a 22 years old. My family give me a lot of trust and I greatly honor their love and trust to me. while they live overseas, they honored my trust and I started my life a lone in this state to purse my education and my dreams. I closed my heart and I never make a relationship with any guy outside of pure friendship until this guy showed up in my life... I immediatly knew that he is the guy of my dreams... I used my mind before I involved my heart even though I was attracted to him right away he never found out my feelings until months later and I mean more than a year later.[/b][/b][/b] we basically were talking in many general things for ever and we would exchange opinions until he proposed to me after a long time and I loved him soo much and I know that he loves me soooooooo much. we have traveled a long road together and we stood by each other in every moment of our lives. we have accepted our weakness before our strenght it is really like a fairy tale story except that for the past couple of weeks he has been very distant from me. like I feel that he is acting cold and as a result I have been getting very very very angry and frustrated with him because I love him and expect even more from that love relationship. His only response to me is that he love me so much but he is not comfortable in the relationship because of the many fights between each other and he wants to back up away from me ( at least this is according to my understanding) HIs only words to me he keep telling me that you are such a wonderful person, and I am love you sooooo much and I tell him the same but the weird thing is that we fight more about me raising my voice and objecting his passive way of communicating with me especially his long silence on the phone and that he treats me the way he desires not the way that is suitable for me. His replies have been lately that he can't make me happy and he have tried everything he could and he feel like he treated me the best he have done to anyone and surprisingly I do agree with him completely that he does that and I am not objecting to him and I try it to make it very clear to him that the only reason I communicate with him about what's bothering me is to give him constructive feedback so we can better our relationship and not to blame him. but he doesnot get it he get very very very angry to the extend that he is very overreactive and no one can be around him this time. few days ago I met him to discuss our situation and I told him that he are not what you used to be before and this makes me feel worthless and unimportant to you. and he make things wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy worth that they should of been by overreacting again and he told me to go away from his face and he never curses this time he started cursing himself and he refused to be compassionate to me and he wanted me to leave him so I went home and he left and since then he has his phone turned off and he does not want to even contact me.
I should also mention my mistakes according to him that when I am mad I say words that hurt him so bad ( which I have already changed myself) he also mentions that he feels unable to make me happy or he is afraid to talk to me or say anything to me because I criticize his comments to me which was true at some point but I didnot mean to do more harm than good!. He leaves me for long time without calling me or asking about me which is really important to me as a result i get soo emotional and very upset and when I express my feelings to him he gets even more angry or he give me more silence which I hate.
I really love him and can not live without him, but hurted me soo bad and still I try to change myself for him and I know that he loves me as well but I feel like the fact that he turned off his phone so I don't call him or he have no way to contact me is soooooooooooooo hard for me to take and he knows already how bad this is to me. he is really a wonderful lover and a wonderful person but that situation I don't know what to do
Yes we are engaged and I did not tell my parents anything because the only reason my parents approved of him was because I love him and they trust my judgement and if I call them and tell them about what he have done with me they will be very very worried and very emotional and not to mention if they will trust him anymore. The wedding date is already set in June and now I don't even have a wedding dress and none of the details of the wedding is worked out and all those fights are going one.
I am very affected by all of that and my life is basically stopped... my school, my work, everything because of that especially that he have treated me soo harshly and not even bothering to turn off his phone so we can reason this together... please help me ... if this details matters at all but I do trust in God and rely on him a lot but I can not take this emotional overwhelming at allllllllllllll and I am very very very disappointed at the same time I want to run after him and keep reasoning things out with him and keep sacrificing for the sake or our love even though he hurted me
Comments
My advice is go talk to your confession father, he would have much experience in these relationships and he is also a guy.
Also, it is much better breaking off an engagement than it is a marital relationship. In other words, it's better to rectify your mistakes earlier rather than later.
Above all, pray!
God Bless
My thought is that maybe you are in a situation just like Father Abraham. His primary blessing was his son Isaac and God asked him to offer him as a sacrifice. You'll recall that God had no intention of letting him kill his son; the reason God gave Abraham the command was to test him and to prove that Abraham put God first in his life, even before his son, and even before all of the nations of Israel.
What I'm suggesting here is that you leave this matter in God's hands and be willing to let His will be done, even if it means not getting married yet. I believe that God will make good of this situation.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you do nothing at all. There are things you should do, like figuring out the right time to talk to him, praying, getting guidance from Abouna, praying some more, reviving yourself at school/work, praying some more, etc... Just remember that these actions alone don't bring us grace, it is God that blesses what we do.
George
I need to know the following:
a) How long were you engaged?
b) Are you both Coptic?
c) What is the age difference?
d) How long did you know each other before getting engaged?
e) What EXACTLY (just tell me in 10 words max) is bothering your fiance about marriage?
It is generally common that when the wedding date is set, people can get anxious. Perhaps he sees you always telling him "I LOVE YOU" and "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" as emotional blackmail.
That doesnt give a man a chance to think. He could end up marrying you because he just feels sorry for you. But, I cant confirm that unless you answer the above questions.
Answer them to the point, and try to stick to it so I can tell u EXACTLY what the problem is.
Pray for me
I Believe
btw i would love to hear for also other girls input, I did not mean to say this was exclusively to guys
+ From the very begining we spoke to our FOC, we know he is praying for us both.
+ George you gave me a very profound something to think about this was very insightful and it gave me a lot of comfort.
+ I have been listening to sermons on Orthodoxsermons.org about the situation plus I have been praying to God to give me patience and wisdom in dealing with this.
+ we knew each other before the engagement for about 1.5 years however we have never went on a date or met outside of church during this period. then we were engaged for about a 1.5 now.
+ we are both copts
+ Athough I was expressing in the long message about loving him and all that, our relationship with each other is not like we say I love you all the time at all because I know where QT_PA_2T is comming from.
+ I strongly believe that the emotional blackmail doesnot apply to us it is not even of my personality
+ The main problem is that he is tired of the continous drama going on for 4 weeks now like never before which have pulled out many undesirable communication barriers on both parties.
+From my perspective- it is about lack of understanding not lack of love since no one teach us as girl how to deal with the gender differences involved in guys and how guys deal with the the gender differences involved in girls that God designed them to be this way
for guys:- when you are angry, stressed, and about to explode How do you expect your loved one to deal with you? especially if you feel angry from your loved one?
For girls:- if you think that your loved one is angry with you and as a result of the frustration he hurted your feelings would you still call him to try to resolve the issue or you would back up for your dignity?
would you emphasize more about what you mean by humility from your experience/perspective?
During this period of "fasting and prayer" you should pray that God reveals to you whether you are the right one for him, and whether he is the right one for you.
The problem is that because you love him so much, you are no longer praying for God's will. You end up praying that he marries you.
It reminds me of Henry Ford. When the 1st mass produced car came out of the factory line, they asked him: "What color do you want us to paint the car".
He replied saying "Paint it ANY color you want, so long as it is black".
I think sometimes when we have a love for something, we tell God the same thing: Let it be according to your will, but just so long as I get what I want.
If you have kissed each other, or done anything remotely sexual, it will be VERY hard to see clearly.
My advice is to keep some distance and devote it to fasting and prayer and ask God DAILY to reveal to you the result of this project. I'm sure our Lord will be sincere to show you.
Indeed humility is key in dealing with a lot of relationship problems, Thanks "I believe"...
would you emphasize more about what you mean by humility from your experience/perspective?
What I mean is when there is a problem between two people, lets say there was a fight, instead of saying who is the one that is at fault for starting the fight or who started the fight we should feel sorry for starting the fight. I remember a story of a monk, this monk saw one of his younger monks talking to other people who weren't monks about worldly things. So this monk walked by looked at him and kept walking. So the younger monk went to this monk and said Abouna is there something wrong? Why did you look at me like that in front of the people? This monk(who is the FOC of the younger monk) replied you must not talk to the people about worldly things...that is one of the 1st steps to lose your seat in heaven. So the younger monk thinking he knew everything said iknow all of this and I don't need you to remind me so please abouna do not embarrass me infront of the people again. So the older monk went on and later on in the day he came to the younger monks cell in tears and the older monk asked the younger monk for forgiveness but why would he ask for forgiveness when the younger monk wronged him? HUMILITY then the younger monk felt he had did wrong and also asked the older monk to forgive him.
What is humility? it is thinking less about yourself, putting God and others needs in front of you and your desires behind you. There is this arabic taraneem that goes: meen ene meen, emken neseet ene meen, ene torub eftekri ya nefsee ene torub ayek tensee. Basically the song is remind yourself that you are dirt. It is safe to say that I am dirt because he created Adam from dirt/dust.
[quote author=persistantlove link=topic=7728.msg100969#msg100969 date=1237047078]
for guys:- when you are angry, stressed, and about to explode How do you expect your loved one to deal with you? especially if you feel angry from your loved one?
For girls:- if you think that your loved one is angry with you and as a result of the frustration he hurted your feelings would you still call him to try to resolve the issue or you would back up for your dignity?
From a guys point of view it really depends on this kind of person he is. Some men they want to be alone when they are angry or fustrated or stressed; others seek comfort from their loved ones it varies from one man to the other.
Pray for me
Your fiance basically feels like whatever he does to make you happy is not working and therefore he feels like he is not good enough for you. Ask yourself why he feels this way? Maybe you are not appreciating what he does? Maybe you are overlooking his efforts and not thanking him enough? Maybe you have unrealistic expectations?
You also mention that you raise your voice and criticize him. You are treating him like a little kid not a future husband. How do you think he feels? His opinions matter just as much as yours. Instead of getting angry and frustrated at each other you need to learn to communicate like mature adults and listen more. Nothing constructive will come from yelling at each other. Your approach to building the relationship is obviously not working.
Please don't get me wrong I am not trying to blame you. You have probably both equally contributed to the situation that you are now in. Maybe after all this is over your relationship will be stronger than ever.
I will need a lot of prayers in the next few days, Pray that God give me peace and help me to forget my pains, and keep me able to open my heart for humility, forgiving and wisdom. and above all stick to God and trust in his will, and his perfect plan for me no matter what.
I cry to the lord that I rejoice in his name, grace, mercy and stop being depressed as I have a lot to catch up !
* It seems to me you've sacrificed so much, "given" so much, and done so much to make someone else happy but it seems the more you "give" and the harder you try, the more you push away the very same person you're trying to make love you.
Lesson learned: your words, actions and desire to be loved threaten the very existence of that love. Give him his space and he will come crowing asking for your acceptance. As soon as the other person shows interest, we put ourselves out there and instantly go "overboard" doing too many things to show the object of our interest and attention that we're "very much in love". But just when we think that it couldn't get any better, the other person pulls back and no longer puts 100 percent into the relationship.
** When one person leaves because he doesn't think he in love anymore, you start contemplating of the idea "I love him... " because you think that'll make them stay, but they leave anyways. Leaving you feeling that you never had the opportunity to truly express how much you love them.
Lesson learned: if he is gone … he is gone.... it is not the end of the world… Don’t play the waiting game for him to call you. I would suggest if he calls you.. Ignore him for few days and see where he stands, if he is truly in love with you, he would be calling you again and again. If he didn’t call you, he never will.
*** You feel you were "lucky" to have met that one very special individual, the only person out there for you. Your whole happiness rested in the happiness of your beloved. But now that person is gone, so is your happiness -- and love. You feel that you'll never be able to love again because your one chance for love and happiness is gone -- forever.
Lesson learned: You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.
Finally there is nothing wrong in telling your parents whatever you feel, I would even go one step further to say they are better than your FOC. It’s OK
Lesson learned: if he is gone … he is gone.... it is not the end of the world… Don’t play the waiting game for him to call you. I would suggest if he calls you.. Ignore him for few days and see where he stands, if he is truly in love with you, he would be calling you again and again. If he didn’t call you, he never will.
No that would just make things worse. How is that being humble? Where is the humility? "Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men." Romans 12:17 Telling her to ignore him is doing the same thing that he is doing to her, it will make things blow up even more. It's better to let him cool down and then talk to him as a mature adult.
Pray for me
Thanks for your comments, I just wanted to clarify somethings here, it really was not a one sided love relationship... as I have mentioned before this person has been very supportive and loving as much as I am and may be more. as some one else commented it might of been my criticism have put him off... which was a lesson for me to learn and I have cleared with him that my criticism was not intended to do harm than good and I already apologized to him about it. The problem that I find very hard to deal with is that out of frustration he is completely avoiding me instead of pursing to resolve the issue. this is making me very much confused.
My relationship between me and him is not wanting to be loved because I don't love the love he gives me I love the person with all the bad and good and you are right I have sacrificed a lot and he have acknowledged that also. Now He makes it very hard to reach him to resolve things out as I am very stressed out.
I really would like some advice of how to forget about him until lent is over... it is very challenging... and Yes if only I can control myself not to reply to his call even if he call that would be superior really...
My goal was to think about what is hindering us and resolve it together as we always act as a team instead like what he is doing now playing Tom and Jerry!!!
or may be I should give him excuses that he needs some space to think and reply... I have no clue
PRAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 4 MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Thanks I do agree with you ... but I still confused why he does not call when he tell he will call and most of the time he stop answering my calls or sometimes he turn off his phone. to me this is simply avoiding the problem and taking the easy route. my be that is just a girl's mentality.
I have not been forcing myself un to him and I have not been pushy, instead he have been accusing me of complaining too much of the relationship when I am always sacrificing he thinks I am blaming him and making him feel guility somehow... I don't understand really how this is happening and when and most importantly how to deal with it
so this time IF he apologizes how do I deal with it?
I guess so many questions and part of it that girls thinks in a million things at once lol
Father Peter
u should definetly talk to abouna
or email my bishop Anba Youssef...he gives amazing advice and he will definetly help u =]
email him at [email protected] and i promise he will email u back
just type in exactly what u wrote here =]
hes amazing
Rubina Ma3ki
i hope u feel better
What is Love?
by H.H. Pope Shenouda III
Love is to be directed first to God
If we wish to understand love in its true scriptural foundations, we must set before us (and understand) the following truth:
Love should be directed to God, before anyone or anything else This is what God revealed to us in the Book of Deutoronomy: "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength."
(Deut 6:5)
So then, if this love to God is from the whole heart, is there any room left for any other love? How can we love anything else, if the whole heart is for God?! The only answer is that our love for everyone and everything is through our love for God.
When we have given the whole heart to God, within our love to God, we love everyone. That is why when asked about the greatest commandment, Christ replied, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matt 22:37-39)
Why did He say, "The second is like it"? Because it is through the love of God... It is part of it... It is not separate from the first commandment...
Hence, any love outside of the love of God is a sinful love. What if this (second) love was greater than out love for God?! Our Lord answers us saying, "He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me." (Matt 10:37)
Any love that is greater than the love of God, prefers a person or a thing more than God Himself. We can therefore label it as "A sinful love", because it interferes with the love of God. It is a love that is stronger than the love of God!!! Is that appropriate?!
In this situation, the whole heart is not given to God (and hence breaks the first commandment). This "sinful love" becomes a "stranger" in your heart. A stranger never dwells in one place forever. If you want to love someone or something forever, make sure this love is through the love of God; i.e. fulfill the first commandment first, and then you will be able to include the second love through your love to God...
Types of Love:
There are many different types of love:
Natural love such as the love between parents and their children. That is why God resembled His love to us as the natural paternal love: "Behold what manner of lovethe Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!" "Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." (1 John 3:1)
Gained love such as the love of friends,relatives, associates, or the love between an engaged or a married couple
Love may develop in stages. It may start out as collaboration, and then progress to assistantship or friendship. Collaboration is a relationship between two or more individuals unified by a joint objective or project, which may lead to a unified thought (mind), which may lead to friendship.
A relationship may involve a feeling of admiration. Admiration is different from love. You may admire a sports champion, but that does not mean you love him/her. You may admire an author. You like his thoughts and/or writing style, without having a personal relationship with the author. An intellectual relationship may develop (that ties your thoughts with his/her thoughts), but this is still not love. If this relationship evolved into love, it will be love for his/her ideas and/or style, but not his/her person.
Love is the meeting of two hearts, or the bonding of two hearts through the same feelings or emotions. In order for this to be a sacred love, these emotions should be within the sphere of the love of God; it should not contradict nor surpass it.
If love is one-sided only, there must be a problem (e.g. incompatibility), because love always gives birth to love [i.e. it will create a mutual feeling.] Love must be spiritual, wiseand prudent, because there are certain kinds of "love" that cause trouble.
True love must be pure. Here, we can distinguish between love and desire (lust.) Love always wants to give, but desire always wants to take.
Desire is:
Selfish
Does not care about the other person it "claims" to love (and may ruin him/her)
May imprison him/her in itself and limit his/her liberty to interact with others
May turn into a destructive jealously
It really is NOT true love. True love is known to be giving, even to the point of self-sacrifice.
Look at yourself and your relationship with the opposite sex. Is it a relationship of love or lust?!
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as a woman who has been married for >10 years, i would suggest the following:
1. text that you understand he needs time to think about some stuff and assure him u still love him a lot, but u won't call for a couple of weeks because you respect his need for space.
2. don't call him for 2 weeks.
i will add my small prayers to everyone else's :)
If u want his personal email let me know...its the one that he emails u back with
and well...from past experience..sometimes it took like 3 days and other times it tool like 2 weeks hahaha
but he will for sure email u back =]