Hi,
Some guy at Church asked me out for a coffee. I'm new in the city, and I don't know many people. I'd like to make friends etc, but I'm just concerned that if others see me with him, they'll think "Oh! She's taken!" and then I'll never get married.
What should I do?
Comments
don't go
What!?
For a coffee!??
I didnt think someone would tell me not to go. I was hoping for some advice on how to go without giving the impression to others that I'm taken.
How exactly am I meant to get to know a man to get married anyway!!???
If you go, make sure he picks up the tab. At least that way you are not out anything.
You can wear a shirt that says: "Not taken", just in case.
Or you may go to another part of town where you will not be spotted.
Or maybe you can hold off until after Lent so you can have sweets with the coffee.
Don't dwell on it too much.
Obviously, he wants to get to know you. If you are interested go, if not--do not.
If you go, make sure he picks up the tab. At least that way you are not out anything.
You can wear a shirt that says: "Not taken", just in case.
Or you may go to another part of town where you will not be spotted.
Or maybe you can hold off until after Lent so you can have sweets with the coffee.
Don't dwell on it too much.
Yeah, he's definately going to pick up the tab, he wants to take me to a coffee on Union Square! I aint paying for that!
I don't really know him. I know he teaches Sunday School, and he likes the tasbeha etc. All I can tell you is this. If he gets fresh with me, he'll be sorry.
But, I need to make friends. I don't know why in this particular church, everyone is so ... to themselves.
If not, then just start the friendship circle with other young ladies, and allow the intersecting circles to lead you
to getting to know others. When in new surroundings, I like to take at least two weeks to scope the different dynamics before
entering into any relationships.
You'll be ok. If you are not attracted to him, he should be able to pick up on that when you aren't all gaga over him.
And I hope it's good coffee! I love NYC but I tell you, I resort to Starbuck's when I'm there because the coffee is always watered down and acidic elsewhere. Crazy!
what are the ages?
I didn't ask, but he looks around 29 ?? not sure. I'm in my early 20's.
[quote author=ilovesaintmark link=topic=8835.msg110760#msg110760 date=1266372846]
I think he is trying to impress you. He is interested. Are you interested? That's the question.
If not, then just start the friendship circle with other young ladies, and allow the intersecting circles to lead you
to getting to know others. When in new surroundings, I like to take at least two weeks to scope the different dynamics before
entering into any relationships.
IlovestMark, but my problem is this. I'm only doing a course in this particular city, and then i'm leaving back to my home town. I just don't know how long I'll be there.
But, whether he's trying to impress me or not is neither here nor there. This is a FREE coffee, and I'm all for it. lol
No seriously, I don't wanna say anything bad as I think he actually reads these posts. But, I'll tell him I asked on here to get some advice anyway.
I don't understand your point of view !!!
What is wrong with getting to know him?? Do I have to decide THERE AND THEN!? Gosh.. relax. Its a coffee, not a marriage proposal.
I can ask all of the difficult questions if you want.
Union Square--nice place to go have coffee! :) I say go, but in this way: Meet him there. Have a set time that you are going to meet and that you are going to leave beforehand. In other words, if he wants it to be at night (and you don't want it to be at night), just arrange it for a weekend afternoon. Even if you're new in the city, you don't have to spend the whole afternoon with him (and don't worry about having a reason--it's your business, not his). As for people at the church thinking you are taken, if they ask, just say, "Oh, yes, wasn't that nice of him to invite me out? I hope to make other friends, too." and then let it go.
You'll be ok. If you are not attracted to him, he should be able to pick up on that when you aren't all gaga over him.
And I hope it's good coffee! I love NYC but I tell you, I resort to Starbuck's when I'm there because the coffee is always watered down and acidic elsewhere. Crazy!
Thanks ZanAmrikai!
I just don't really understand Coptic men. I don't know what they want. If he was protestant, I'd really be OK.. but Coptic.. he's gonna ask me if I'm a virgin, if I had boyfriends, if I smoked, if I ever smoked, if I danced with a guy, if Liked to dance. Ouff!!
Unfortunately, I don't know anyone and I've been there for sometime now, and I thought it was quite sweet of him to come up to me and ask me out. ;)
hehe
Shall I tell abouna?
If it is New York City, let me know, I can be a distant chaperone.
I can ask all of the difficult questions if you want.
i can help too....not to far from here ;)
If it is New York City, let me know, I can be a distant chaperone.
I can ask all of the difficult questions if you want.
That's extremely sweet of u. Thanks. Sure! Wow.. so u are from NYC?!!
You probably go to the same Church as me? I don't go that often, I just attend the mass and leave anyway. Everyone there is always to themselves and I'm so busy with work, that I leave anyway very quickly.
[quote author=ilovesaintmark link=topic=8835.msg110765#msg110765 date=1266373236]
If it is New York City, let me know, I can be a distant chaperone.
I can ask all of the difficult questions if you want.
i can help too....not to far from here ;)
That's really nice of you. I think i know you though. I'm not sure, but from what you write, and what you say.
But I should be OK. I'm going to send him a text message and tell him to meet me well in the daytime.
I have some good Uni friends, but they aren't THAT Christian, so I figured out that it would be nice to meet Christian people. He seems kinda cool anyway; so long as he's descent and respects me that's all I care about. If he gets fresh with me, I'll .... I'll tell his mama.
Remember: It is lent--no milk.
You didn't answer which city?
NYC. I'm not from there. I'm just here for a bit.
I'm on an exchange program with another Uni from London, and then I'm leaving.
But tell me, what questions would you ask a girl on a 1st date? I want to prepare!
The last time I met an Egyptian guy, it was in the canteen of another church, and he went straight for the bullseye:
"Are you a virgin?"
"Did you have any boyfriends"?
wow! I mean DOUBLE WOW! You egyptian dudes are really to the point. If this guy spent more than 10 mins in Egypt as a kid, i can tell you we're going to end up as friends. Forget anything more.
But more to the point:
what am I allowed to ask this guy? I know what he does in life.
Believe it or not, I'm not that talkative in real life, so I have NO idea what to say.
Be yourself. Let the guy talk. Guys like to show off and talk about themselves. When he starts to brag about his given accomplishments, you may use that as the opening towards expanding on a given topic or asking more detailed questions. I generally let people babble, the more they talk, the more you get to know.
Sometimes I will say something controversial, just to look for the reaction--despite the fact, I may not hold that view point personally. You look for body language, and expression, more than actual answers and words. Go for the eyes, they tell everything.
I will add: make sure you order a large coffee. It will be more expensive. It identifies the potential suitors abilities to provide.
Remember: It is lent--no milk.
First of all, and I have no problems saying this: I'm going to drink milk with my coffee. I know its lent. I'll tell you why:
I need to drink milk because I go to the gym a lot. I need the protein from somewhere. I can abstain from meat, and everything but I need milk. Living by yourself on seeyamee food is just asking to fall ill.
Secondly, I want to see if he's going to judge me. If he looks at me if I'm satan and says "Oh! You're a bad girl. You're not fasting!!" I'm DYING to get that reaction. Once I get that, I'm not only going to order a double Macchiato with cream, I'm going to get a double cream cheesecake as well.
I fed up of being judged all the time.
[quote author=ilovesaintmark link=topic=8835.msg110777#msg110777 date=1266375006]
Questions relate to the flow of the situation. If you go in with a clipboard with questions, it is too rehearsed and opens the door for disaster.
Be yourself. Let the guy talk. Guys like to show off and talk about themselves. When he starts to brag about his given accomplishments, you may use that as the opening towards expanding on a given topic or asking more detailed questions. I generally let people babble, the more they talk, the more you get to know.
Sometimes I will say something controversial, just to look for the reaction--despite the fact, I may not hold that view point personally. You look for body language, and expression, more than actual answers and words. Go for the eyes, they tell everything.
Mark,
Why do you assume that men always show off? I didnt get that impression that he was a show off. Not at all. He seems like quite a nice guy actually. He's actually quite funny.
I'm not taking this as a job interview or anything, but I think it is important to know someone well, and we waste SO much time talking about everything and anything that avoids telling someone who we are and what are problems and needs are. We are SO good at avoiding that.
Men just like to charm girls so much, they have problems and forget that we have problems also (as they do!) and its not a game. I want a serious relationship where I can know and learn to accept someone's problems also. I'm fed up of just shallow politeness that does nothing for anyone.
There are certain questions that reveal the person's nature and their problems, and I've been thinking about what to ask someone for a long time.
What are the key questions?
Good luck.
If things work out, I can record a zaghroota and send it as an attachment.
(that's just another joke)
I feel all that is nice and charming, but I want to get to know the person, not the CV.
I'm going to give you advice that goes against what everyone else has been telling you: Don't go.
The same EXACT thing happened to me only a few months ago. I went to a party, talked to a guy from church, he liked me, and messaged me at 3 in the morning to ask if I would like to go out with him for coffee. People say oh it's just coffee, but it's really not! Guys like to test girls. Is she easy? does she say yes to everything? Does she go out with everyone who asks her? Just you agreeing to go with him tells him a lot about you, even if these things are not ones that you want to project. Of course, I apologized and told him that I would not be able to go with him. Guess what? He respected me more! People say that I'm conservative in that I don't hug guys... I don't go out for them... but it really does pay off and you'll reap the rewards in the end :)
You say that you don't like to be judged, but the truth is that each one of us is judged on a daily basis, especially girls. Guys want to marry someone with good values and respect and their families want the same thing for them. So, they look at the girls and judge every aspect of her... from the way she dresses to the way she walks to the type of people she hangs out with. It's just a fact of life that we need to accept. You NOT going to coffee with this individual, no matter how innocent and friendly it may be and no matter how much you really want to go, will show that you are a strong individual who's not afraid of sticking to the morals and values of tradition. Even if this guy gets a little upset at the time, his family will respect you more and he will too once he thinks about it... and he'll start chasing after you!!
Anyways, in the end the choice is yours to make... I'm just giving you my opinion from my own experiences.
Good luck and God bless.
The same EXACT thing happened to me only a few months ago. I went to a party, talked to a guy from church, he liked me, and messaged me at 3 in the morning to ask if I would like to go out with him for coffee. People say oh it's just coffee, but it's really not! Guys like to test girls. Is she easy? does she say yes to everything? Does she go out with everyone who asks her? Just you agreeing to go with him tells him a lot about you, even if these things are not ones that you want to project. Of course, I apologized and told him that I would not be able to go with him. Guess what? He respected me more!
Wouldn't it just be easier not to give out you number?
So in conclusion, I dont think that you should go, or maybe make it a group hangout where he can invite some of his friends to come as well.
Pray for me
Yeah, he's definately going to pick up the tab, he wants to take me to a coffee on Union Square! I aint paying for that!
Wow, I feel sorry for that guy.
Dear CertifiedOrthodox,
I'm going to give you advice that goes against what everyone else has been telling you: Don't go.
The same EXACT thing happened to me only a few months ago. I went to a party, talked to a guy from church, he liked me, and messaged me at 3 in the morning to ask if I would like to go out with him for coffee. People say oh it's just coffee, but it's really not! Guys like to test girls. Is she easy? does she say yes to everything? Does she go out with everyone who asks her? Just you agreeing to go with him tells him a lot about you, even if these things are not ones that you want to project. Of course, I apologized and told him that I would not be able to go with him. Guess what? He respected me more! People say that I'm conservative in that I don't hug guys... I don't go out for them... but it really does pay off and you'll reap the rewards in the end :)
You say that you don't like to be judged, but the truth is that each one of us is judged on a daily basis, especially girls. Guys want to marry someone with good values and respect and their families want the same thing for them. So, they look at the girls and judge every aspect of her... from the way she dresses to the way she walks to the type of people she hangs out with. It's just a fact of life that we need to accept. You NOT going to coffee with this individual, no matter how innocent and friendly it may be and no matter how much you really want to go, will show that you are a strong individual who's not afraid of sticking to the morals and values of tradition. Even if this guy gets a little upset at the time, his family will respect you more and he will too once he thinks about it... and he'll start chasing after you!!
Anyways, in the end the choice is yours to make... I'm just giving you my opinion from my own experiences.
Good luck and God bless.
Oh dear!
Yeah, this is very Egyptian - isn't it. Egyptian men try and get fresh with you. They pretend that they are open minded, and they will try and get fresh with you. They'll want to kiss you, touch you, and do other stuff, and tell you that they are open-minded. If you do not respond with a slap around the face, they will never respect you.
I will respond with more than slap. I'll make sure he cannot walk for a month.
lol, ya binty... why would you put yourself in this situation in the first place... plus, I'm a pretty big guy, and I have anger problems... so lets say a girl slaps... I get mad enough, and I slap her back... she can die!
girls are always fooled by the, "I'll slap him and get away with it" line... or "I took self defense classes" again I'll use myself as an example... even though I would NEVER hit a girl (lol making the point clear)... I don't think self defense classes will do anything to a person who has been boxer for years... and I'm certain your slap would not do much to a person who is 2-3 times your size...
my answer to your question was simply don't go, because I know one of you will be led on... and get hurt! what you can do is talk in the church... in front of everyone... as long as you are not doing anything wrong, don't worry your reputation will not get hurt!
neshkor Allah... akhadna el baraka!
Anyway, I have to confirm today. I'll send him a text message.
Listen, I have an idea - I'll go along with a few friends 1st from uni.. how does that sound?