Hey everyone,
I life in Europe and I have a best friend.
We have been known each other for about 4 years now and we sing together in the church. She is 19 and I 17. She is half egyptian and half european. We are always together in church.
The problem is, the last period my friend is behaving blunt and unpretty to me and she behave like she knows and is everything and is too busy to only say 'hi' to anyone, (however she always hang around with her friends of school who she know for a long time, but who are not christians, and for her best friend from church she haven't even time to talk to,)
characteristic of me is that I am quite sentimental/emotional and I love people fast, but another feature of me is that I'm soon jealous. But last time I spoke to her on msn messenger and I said: hey, I wanna talk 2 u. Do u miss me? Instead she said "hi dear' or something, she says: "I don't have time to miss anyone. I: "But it's a feeling. (you don't have to do something). She: I have to much to do, you need time for that. I: but I have also not much time (I am in last year of highschool, so very busy) and nevertheless I miss you. Don't u have time to talk to me? She: First, I work 8 hours a day. I: but you are online now too She: because I have to make a exercise (don't know what, coz she yet isn't begin with college).
I: with who? She:with nobody, but my msn is just open. I: so if it's open you can talk to me.
She: Alright, then I will close it now, okay?!
Then she closed the chat in my face. I don't understand, what I have done wrong?? I though about it a lot and I know u first have to search the fault in yourself, but I still don't understand. If I'm wrong, I try to say Sorry, you're right. But She never confess her faults and always thinks it's the other who is wrong. I don't want judge someone, but in my opinion she is quite arrogant and proud. She always behave and says things like she is everything.
I CAN NOT STAND IT ANYMORE! And other times I call her always and she never calls me, very sometimes she sent me a message, but that's it. And when I say to her, I don't feel good what u are doing, she said "you are oversentimental and it's sometimes very annoying." Okay, I am emotional, but what I have to do? Must I have a heart of stone?! It's just me. ???
I don't know what to do know, appologise to her? (however I still don't know, what I have done wrong). Or what? (i know she never is gonna tell sorry, she just wait until the other person is coming to her).
And she is my best friend (however I feel last period she isn't such a good friend) and I don't have many friends and she is often the only person with who I really hang around in the church. In school I don't have much friends ( only 2, 3), cause they are so not my typ. (European, not coptic or something). It really hurt me. :( And also I want to know, how to make friends, coz I am quite shy to begin a conversation or if I don't am shy, I don't know what to say. and I have so little confidence in myself..
ANy help please?
God bless, pray 4 me
Comments
No matter where you are in the world the same thing happens. It happened with me. When I was in year 12 (the last year of highschool), I had a friend who was my age but was in year 10 for English language reasons, because she recently came from overseas. Before year 12 we had been friends for 6 years. Because of my study commitments, I couldn't go to our day outs, or over her house, or her over mine, I was under alot of pressure and wanted to make it to university so I made alot of sacrifices so I was always busy. She, like you, she thought I was avoiding her, she questioned me several times and asked if she was still my best friend and got upset at me when I couldn't make it to her brother's birthday because I had an exam the next day. It was one day I invited her over, she came over my house and had breakfast, watched a movie, and had a nice talk and told her how much stress I was under and showed her the work load and told that I wished I could hang out with her more often but I couldn't do 2 things at once: attend to friends often and get high marks. I helped her empathise.
Now lets tie this with your story, you mentioned that she is in her last year of highshcool. There's the reason. She is stressed, feels pressured to get good marks to get in to college, she feels that she needs to make sacrifices like talking online when she could be studying. You mentioned that you work 8 hours a day, but trust me I tried 10 hours a day in an administration role in my earlier years of uni, it was not as stressful as studying for your life in the last year of highschool. It the last year that counts for the 13 years of schooling that one gets and the most important, no one wants to make 13 years of schooling useless when they walk down the graduation isle with all the family and friends watching. This is just an assumption but perhaps she hangs around her friends from school more than you because they are all in the same boat, studying for their lives, because they understand her.
Now here's what happened with me, I made it through year 12 with beaming colours thank God, got in to uni, thank God, and it was her turn to make it through year 12. She did one thing that I would never forget. She apologised for what she had said to me and for thinking that I was avoiding her that couple of years earlier because now she knows how I felt and the pressure I was under and how much time that was needed to spend on that study commitment. At the end of the day we had a laugh about it and pushed it behind us and continued with our friendship.
What you can do as a best friend to her is tell her "if you need anything, I'm always here". Meet each other half way, empathise on your part now knowing that she is under all that stress to make something of herself, and she will be as understanding when it gets to your turn in the last year of high school. You have mentioned that you are sentimental. Focus that sentimental energy on empathising about her situation especially considering what the Bible says about being "like minded toward one another". After all isnt that what friendship is about? Also, be there for her graduation.
After exams she will be the same church singing buddy like always.
Hey,
No matter where you are in the world the same thing happens. It happened with me. When I was in year 12 (the last year of highschool), I had a friend who was my age but was in year 10 for English language reasons, because she recently came from overseas. Before year 12 we had been friends for 6 years. Because of my study commitments, I couldn't go to our day outs, or over her house, or her over mine, I was under alot of pressure and wanted to make it to university so I made alot of sacrifices so I was always busy. She, like you, she thought I was avoiding her, she questioned me several times and asked if she was still my best friend and got upset at me when I couldn't make it to her brother's birthday because I had an exam the next day. It was one day I invited her over, she came over my house and had breakfast, watched a movie, and had a nice talk and told her how much stress I was under and showed her the work load and told that I wished I could hang out with her more often but I couldn't do 2 things at once: attend to friends often and get high marks. I helped her empathise.
Now lets tie this with your story, you mentioned that she is in her last year of highshcool. There's the reason. She is stressed, feels pressured to get good marks to get in to college, she feels that she needs to make sacrifices like talking online when she could be studying. You mentioned that you work 8 hours a day, but trust me I tried 10 hours a day in an administration role in my earlier years of uni, it was not as stressful as studying for your life in the last year of highschool. It the last year that counts for the 13 years of schooling that one gets and the most important, no one wants to make 13 years of schooling useless when they walk down the graduation isle with all the family and friends watching. This is just an assumption but perhaps she hangs around her friends from school more than you because they are all in the same boat, studying for their lives, because they understand her.
Now here's what happened with me, I made it through year 12 with beaming colours thank God, got in to uni, thank God, and it was her turn to make it through year 12. She did one thing that I would never forget. She apologised for what she had said to me and for thinking that I was avoiding her that couple of years earlier because now she knows how I felt and the pressure I was under and how much time that was needed to spend on that study commitment. At the end of the day we had a laugh about it and pushed it behind us and continued with our friendship.
What you can do as a best friend to her is tell her "if you need anything, I'm always here". Meet each other half way, empathise on your part now knowing that she is under all that stress to make something of herself, and she will be as understanding when it gets to your turn in the last year of high school. You have mentioned that you are sentimental. Focus that sentimental energy on empathising about her situation especially considering what the Bible says about being "like minded toward one another". After all isnt that what friendship is about? Also, be there for her graduation.
After exams she will be the same church singing buddy like always.
thanks, but selah, SHE is not in highschool last year, I AM. She is not at school now, she finished highschool but is working, so she don't have exams nor school
Sorry for misreading.
1. Talk about it (if its hard to find time to talk, write an email or a letter)
2. Listen to her
3. Empathise with her
It will help her listen to you and empathise with you and open her heart out to you.
They are my main points when it comes to an issue like this.
Perhaps she is trying not to interfere with your studies and helping you because she has been through that all already before and wants you to concentrate on your studies. Include that in your talk and hear out what she says.
and she says I don't have time, however she hang around and shop with her friends from school and open facebook, but always she says I don't have time, and she is not on school now, she begin with school in september. Okay, she works and I understand. But is that a reason for her to open msn and behave so insensibly and talk in that way? I only said I miss her and then she is gonna say: I have NOT the Time to miss anyone?! Whats that? Do u need time to miss anyone? And another time I asked her to be a bit kind with me and then she said: I have been kind to much to other people today, so I don't have sweetness anymore. ???
She just don't empathise with me, she don't understand my feelings. I thought that friends have to be ready for each other, but she is too busy with other things and other friends :'(
Write her a letter telling her how you feel, I know you feel not treated right and if that ever happened to me, I would go for a letter. Letters work for any busy person. They read it when they can and pay alot of attention to them when they do. First let the issue rest for a week or so to give you both thinking time.
Of course every story has two sides. I said this before, she might probably think she is helping you with your studies by not distracting you or talking to you heaps on msn. Include that in the letter and tell her that you appreciate her trying to help you if she is but you feel that you need to talk to someone throughout your studies.
I know its sometimes really hard to start a letter, this is how I would start it: Use it if you like.
Dear_____
Let me start off by telling you how much our friendship means to me, it means a great deal and I love you very much as my friend and sister in the Lord. God has given us this friendship and given us the happiness to be friends so we can understand each other, help each other and grow together....
If you want, give her a little Easter present for Easter to show her sisterly love, like a chocolate Easter egg.
you may find that this friend will be only a friend, not a best friend for a while. then maybe when you get closer again (who knows maybe you will much later have babies at around the same time or work in the same company) you can be very good friends again.
please don't think that someone must be a best friend or not a friend at all. some people i know are like that and they are so easily offended and hurt. it is not always easy to be their friend. if you give your friend the freedom not to be your friend, this is the best gift ever. this is the gift God gives us, we have a choice to move away from Him. then when we stay close to Him, it is more wonderful, because He does not force us to do that.
may you enjoy the peace of God, your true best friend, during the rest of the fast and Holy Week, and may God give you the blessing of good friends. and please pray for me too, a sinner.
just wanted to add that maybe you should pray for her. Try to be patient and love her even if she is not that nice to u (think of the Parable of the Prodigal Son.. sometimes we act like this with God too, so if she acts a bit distant with u then try to be patient).
also, i hav some friends who after finishing school gradually stopped coming to church if she is spending more time with her other friends+mayb does not feel at home at church then mayb she is going through a rough patch too. (unfortunately i havent figured out how to help my friends come back so i just pray+text them from time to time.)
as for advice on making friends - i think just b yourself and be nice to people. if they r not as nice back to u as u r to them do not b upset, its ok :) +try to b a good friend to other people e.g. if someone is new+does not know anyone, try to hav courage and introduce yourself or if someone has exams or is ill then wish them to get well soon or good luck.
God be with u
PS +like mabsoota said He is the best friend, He will always be faithful and loving and trustworthy
Firstly, try to forgive your friend and yourself. To forgive is mature because it shows understanding, and even if you don't understand, you've will have began the process of understanding your relationship. Secondly, try to be loving. To love is to find the truth. Finding the truth can be painful but in the eyes of GOD, very beneficial to all looking into their souls.
Your friend is 19, and at an age where she is exploring and developing her own personality that is seperating from her parents; finding the different types of friends that aren't christians is evidence. Her personality has to seperate because she has to make her own decisions when she leaves home, if she hasn't already. Her parents have made her decisions for her up until now. So now when she makes a dicision she feels that it's hers to make, and whether it's right or wrong or a mistake she will look upon your decisions to do something together, as outgrown your relationship. Your parents are still looking after you, protecting you, and that is the way it should be. they're bringing you up after all. Your friend doesn't mean to hurt you but she needs some space to develop. If you feel she is going the wrong way, pray for her that she is able to learn quickly. The story of the prodical son always comes to mind in this type of situation. He went out and spent all the money his father gave him to live a life away from the family, and when he came back his father didn't tell him off but had a party instead. This is love and forgiveness and the value he had for him.
This can make you feel lonely and probably does, because you relied so much on her friendship with you, it is like the saying goes; putting all your eggs in one basket. If you are jealous then this is a problem you have to deal with as jealousy is posessive, but hay, you don't own anyone. You can cliam to own her but I'm sure she will come back with the answer; no you don't. Try to make new friends as well, I know it's difficult, but there are others your age who are in the same position as you. When she is blunt, that's her way of trying to be truthful not only with herself but the way the world is around her, and so it hurts. Give her space to find her truth. Truth is quite blunt but if we already know it because of our love, we are normally diplomatic about it. Women need fulfillment, to feel complete. Decide what you really want from life. Try to be kind and let her go on her journey. Pray for her.
Church is a great place to make friends.
I Pray for you, Bride of Jesus, that your life is guided by the soulful teachings of Jesus Christ, and that the difficult path you must travel will one day bring you peace.
Thank u so much, God Bless you all and remember me in your prayes