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taking off the cape!
SuperMAN will take off his cape, he is too tired to save the world!
I'm writing due to my despair of thinking and not reaching what I wish for, I leave it for the will of God, but until when? when is God going to finally answer my prayer... I've hurt people, I've walked over people, I'm one of the worst people in this world... all I seek is forgiveness from people, I feel like I've done so much wrong against everyone, even the ones that loved me the most!
I was an animal... a monster... a person as called by many, with no soul! I've hurt people physically and emotionally, and I used to enjoy every moment of it... but I cannot take it, as much as I am succeeding in everything I due, through the help of our Savior, but its still as open wounds open on my body, the devil is rubbing to remind me of how low I once was!
I'm sorry to open up, but I didn't know where else to go, for everywhere I'm SuperMan, I cannot take my cape off, because people will come for help from me, but I just want to seek help once!
I want to get over these thoughts... I want to forget this world, I want to forget all of the pain I caused to people... and all the pain I caused to myself... I want to forget!!! but this, God does not want to allow yet, and I know He has a plan out of it... but I just... don't want to hurt anymore!
please help!
I'm writing due to my despair of thinking and not reaching what I wish for, I leave it for the will of God, but until when? when is God going to finally answer my prayer... I've hurt people, I've walked over people, I'm one of the worst people in this world... all I seek is forgiveness from people, I feel like I've done so much wrong against everyone, even the ones that loved me the most!
I was an animal... a monster... a person as called by many, with no soul! I've hurt people physically and emotionally, and I used to enjoy every moment of it... but I cannot take it, as much as I am succeeding in everything I due, through the help of our Savior, but its still as open wounds open on my body, the devil is rubbing to remind me of how low I once was!
I'm sorry to open up, but I didn't know where else to go, for everywhere I'm SuperMan, I cannot take my cape off, because people will come for help from me, but I just want to seek help once!
I want to get over these thoughts... I want to forget this world, I want to forget all of the pain I caused to people... and all the pain I caused to myself... I want to forget!!! but this, God does not want to allow yet, and I know He has a plan out of it... but I just... don't want to hurt anymore!
please help!
Comments
May God have mercy on you and give you the peace of heart that you are seeking so earnestly. I don't feel I should even respond, as you are in a better position than I even. However, you're post is spewing with distraught and I would hate to see a brother in Christ in this state.
God will answer your prayer in due time, according to His means and by no one else's. Go seek and ask the people you have wronged for forgiveness, if they refuse you have done your part in repenting and asking for forgiveness, if they have forgiven you then rejoice! We are all human and subject to sin. Fight these thoughts as much as you can, these are tricks from the enemy of good. I will leave you with a quote from St. Isaac for this point:
"If God is slow to grant your request and you do not receive what you ask for promptly, do not be grieved, for you are not wiser than God." St. Isaac the Syrian
As far as repentance, St. Isaac once again puts it so plainly:
"He who thinks that there is another door that leads unto repentance other than prayer is blinded and mislead by the devils" St. Isaac the Syrian
Take St. Moses the strong as your example, people thought he was a monster, look to him for support, ask for his prayers, I'm sure he will not disappoint you.
You also seem overly stressed, you might need to step back and take a nice retreat to either the monastery in texas or california. Spend at least a week there and renew yourself spiritually and leave room for God to heal and fix your soul instead of relying on your strength yourself. You don't want to hurt anyone else, so don't! I know this may seem obvious but just don't do it. Its easier said than done, i am 100% aware, but realize you are human, you are not superman, take it easy. You are not letting yourself forget, and that maybe a good thing man, it will keep you humble. I myself am humbled by your post.
I wish I could be of more help, if you need anything feel free to PM me.
God be with you
Remember my weakness in your prayers
your words are kind... and you have no idea how much it helps!
for the people I've already sought forgiveness, from the ones that I can talk to, but there are ones that I couldn't because they are from my life of sin (the life of more sin than now) so I cannot talk to them so I don't get fought by other fights.
for the retreat, I have too much going on, and its hard to just up and go... you are talking to a person who does not sleep for more than 2-3 hours due to the work he has to do... whether it be service, school, work, volunteer... so leaving for a week or so is like telling the world to stop spinning... but I do take daily time for myself for self analysis, and meditation (maybe the only reason why I'm still sane)
for hurting people, thank God, He is helping me so much, because of Him alone have I not hurt anyone, to my knowledge, recently, at least!
believe me, I'm no superman... but my past is just taunting me... to the point where from it, I'm not growing spiritually, but losing hope and fall in despair!
You seemed to have answered yourself about the people you've hurt. If you can no longer contact them, then just forget it. Let it go, God knows the heart. I understand for the retreat to either monastery would be difficult but sometimes things just need to be done regardless of the falling behind in other things that may ensue. But that is your call none the less.
I can relate to how a past can haunt you. But instead of dwelling on it to fall in despair, especially since you know you have received forgiveness through repentance and confession, let your past only be a reminder and a source of humility for you. There is no reason to lose hope, take a second and think, Has God ever left you hanging for so long that you were hurt. Even if you think so, at the moment, after you have come out of the tribulation and have time to reflect, don't you see how perfect things end up turning out? Never despair! Your name is written(God willing) in the book of Life! What else is there to ask for than that?!
Stand fast in your spiritual exercises and don't let your mind wander, keep it too busy to think about your past and you will be fine! If you are looking behind you, how can you see where you are going? Turn around and look forward, and only GLANCE back to help you get where you are going ;). Definetely do your best to get away from stuff and take a retreat for your own sake if possible, and talk to your FOC buddy.
Akhedna el barak, Noshkor allah!
[coptic]Aripameui qen tek`proceu,y[/coptic]
and if yr not sleeping, you should see your doctor.
not because he/she might diagnose some horrible medical condition but a lot of doctors are reasonably good at psychology (and don't judge them, i know u r good in this area from yr posts!), and they can give you good advise and tips to help you sleep more and sign you off work if you need it.
i have a friend who refused to see her doctor with stress so now she needed more time off than if she had gone earlier. i, myself had to have a short time off a year ago as i was a bit stressed (boss trying to finish my career and spreading horrible gossip, extended family being stupid etc). i didn't even realise i was so stressed until i kept getting sick with viruses and tummy problems.
you don't need to leave it that long!
you don't have to tell yr doctor what the problem is in detail, just say yr working through some things in your head from problems in your past and you can't stop thinking about it and its affecting your life and then go from there.
God is with you and will bring you through this. when people are mean, just accept it and think, 'i don't deserve God's great love anyway' (none of us do) and then say to yourself 'but God does love me so much He suffered terribly for my salvation'.
don't believe the lies of the devil. keep turning to God in prayer, pray the agpeya before any other 'relaxing' activity as a lot of the things we do to relax simply keep our minds occupied so we can't focus on God.
and keep in touch, we love you :)
You need to go spend sometime in the deer.....either Taxes or Cali....but i recommend Taxes.
You have to get out of what you are doing since it's hurting you that much. YES, it's good, as in good things being done, but it's not really good for your own sake. you might be losing yourself. Don't worry about things in church; let God deal with what is His. School....you should be having a break soon, take that time to go to the deer. School with work, i think you might be able to get a week or two considerably. You shouldn't be having a full time job with all of this on your plate.
im sorry to hear ur feeling so bad.
sounds to me like ur doing ok, in the past u did bad things but now u r doing well. u love Christ and u desire His righteousnes and to be close to Him. u realise ur sins and hav repented for them. u r on the right path :)
instead of remembering how bad things were thank God that u found Him in the end+that He has blessed ur life with His love, mercy and grace. u r His pride and joy!
we all do bad things and hurt people. some people realise it others do not. for some people their mistakes are obvious to others, but for some they are hidden. these things do not matter in God's eyes and in an eternal perspective. God sees the heart, He sees if we are repentant, sorrowful, humbled and if we will place our hope and trust in Him.
St. Peter denied Christ, St. Paul persecuted Christians, King David had an affair... these are all terrible things to do. but if we turn to Christ He can purify us and change us. when we fall with His help it can b to keep us humble and to stop us from judging others or to help us encourage someone else who has done something bad and is despairing. Whatever bad things God can use them for good. but we gotta make sure we dont let the devil make us sorrowful in a despairing way..
P.S. cud u mayb send an apology letter? if not then keep them in ur prayers i guess.
u sounds really busy+getting so little sleep. sometimes this can make u feel down or overwhelmed.. mayb try and do less things. u cud ask if they can manage the service without u just for a couple of weeks or go every other week.. if u explain that u hav so much on ur plate+altho u love the service u r finding it hard to manage im sure it will b ok??
God be with u!! (Philippians 4:4-9) :)
SuperMAN will take off his cape, he is too tired to save the world!
I'm writing due to my despair of thinking and not reaching what I wish for, I leave it for the will of God, but until when? when is God going to finally answer my prayer... I've hurt people, I've walked over people, I'm one of the worst people in this world... all I seek is forgiveness from people, I feel like I've done so much wrong against everyone, even the ones that loved me the most!
I was an animal... a monster... a person as called by many, with no soul! I've hurt people physically and emotionally, and I used to enjoy every moment of it... but I cannot take it, as much as I am succeeding in everything I due, through the help of our Savior, but its still as open wounds open on my body, the devil is rubbing to remind me of how low I once was!
I'm sorry to open up, but I didn't know where else to go, for everywhere I'm SuperMan, I cannot take my cape off, because people will come for help from me, but I just want to seek help once!
I want to get over these thoughts... I want to forget this world, I want to forget all of the pain I caused to people... and all the pain I caused to myself... I want to forget!!! but this, God does not want to allow yet, and I know He has a plan out of it... but I just... don't want to hurt anymore!
please help!
Dude, you obviously need a strong glass of bourbon, and a good rest. You seem really stressed out.
What will you do when you get married?
To answer your question, can you provide us with more details: what on earth happened to you?
Thank you for your answering posts on this forum, they help. There's another
side to everything, not all pain. Some things turn out for better even though they were not good before.
Maybe you could ask God to help you sleep a little longer?
I know it sounds silly, but maybe what you're seeking is encompassing so much that one step at a time
it happens? Rest is important. Whenever I've made the most mistakes, (for everything) I've had too little sleep.
Before, it's okay. You have no way to know what people think now. They forgive without saying most often.
It's hard...
One step at a time (although my tendencies are opposite to this, unfortunately)...
Have you ever been on a team sport? You have support!
+++
sleeping could be a problem, well... I dont think its a problem, because its for my salvation... the reason why I dont sleep and keep doing work, is because I love the service, I love it so much that I do anything and everything, and if I feel like I'm not serving for an hour of my present life, I feel like I've let God down... you have no idea how much He did to bring me back, so I want to serve Him every moment in my life... literally!
so the lack of rest to me is not that big of a problem, its the fact that I've wasted so much time in my life away from God, I almost feel like I want to make it up to Him, so I serve Him, if not by writing, than by drawing, if not by that then by volunteering... and on and on and on! I just don't want to mess up again, I've left the life I used to live to live with God, so now that I'm with God, I feel so guilty for the things I've done, the people I've hurt, the fights I've fought... I was so stupid to fight the church in her teachings when I was younger.... I'm just in so much pain due to all of that... I know it's past, I know God forgave me, because I've gone with my dirt to confession... but there is so much blood on my hands from youth I've lead astray, the girls I've dated and used and threw away, the parents who lost hope in God because of what I've done to their children!!! I feel a very heave weight on my shoulders!
my tears don't cease in prayers due to my feelings of my sins... the ones that I do now... and the MANY MANY MANY that were done before!
I find joy when I stay up at night working for the glory of God... so sleeping is not that big of a problem... I feel guilty when I think of my past!
“The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what the circumstances.”- Robert Flatt
Dearest brother, i can see that you are going thru a rough time. Why don't you see the other half of the picture, that which is hope according to the above quote? Instead of saying, I erred and sin daily, which we all do as humans, we have a weak nature...focus on some positives. God loves you. God cares about you. Focus on His mercy. His great love to you. His abundance of compassion to you. He accepted you when He forgave you, when you returned to him. I know it feels burdensome for the sake of past actions, but, for the love of God ease up on yourself brother. God IS love. The minute you said, "God, I am really sorry for all what i have done and I will change out of my love to you...", God has forgiven you...God is just and will surely provide you another opportunity...
"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy."-Helen Keller.