I am newly engaged. My fiance is a very nice girl and i love her (at least that is what I believe). We have many things in common, same social standard, same way of thinking, same education, we always agree on the same opinion, I feel that I want to talk to her all the time, I feel comfortable while we are together ... etc. In short, we seem to be a perfect match. However, my biggest concern is that she is not sexually attractive for me. She is not ugly, but as a whole, I don't get excited at all. How do you think about that ? Should I continue or not ?
I need help please, I have been searching for a wife for so long and this is the first time I feel that I met someone who can understand me. Your advice will be much appreciated.
Comments
you are not gonna find someone perfect.
you are engaged...there is a reason for that: to know your partner as well as possible and to make sure he or she is the best for you. take as much time as you want.
i guess if you are as comfortable with eachother as you say, then you can probably tell her whats wrong with her (ex. maybe she's a bit chubby, or doesnt care about how she dressed), whatever the case may be, and i guess she'll try and fix it.
Dude that's insane! Don't stir the pot more than you need to ;D
Sexual life in marriage is only part of it.....not all of it.
you are not gonna find someone perfect.
I know, but i am asking how important is that if everything else is perfect.
[quote author=minatasgeel link=topic=10674.msg130140#msg130140 date=1297204353]
you are engaged...there is a reason for that: to know your partner as well as possible and to make sure he or she is the best for you. take as much time as you want.
I don't know your background, but I can't know my partner sexually while we are engaged. I am just saying what I feel rather than what I already experienced.
[quote author=minatasgeel link=topic=10674.msg130140#msg130140 date=1297204353]
Sexual life in marriage is only part of it.....not all of it.
you are not gonna find someone perfect.
I know, but i am asking how important is that if everything else is perfect.
in my own opinion, in the opinion of most of the priests i know and Anba Bola....it's not toooooo important but it is to some certain extant....mainly that both couples are "capable" of having sex and bringing children. I don't know your background, but I can't know my partner sexually while we are engaged. I am just saying what I feel rather than what I already experienced.
i am not married....i am 21....senior in college student.
yes you can't....no one can. that's why i am telling you to take you're time to learn that she is the great in everything else other than that.
Anyway, I'm not sure I understand the question. This seems like one of those things that is as important as you make it. I will say as a general statement that whether physically attracted to someone or not, looks only fade with time. If you love someone for who they are inside and not how they look, that love only grows with time. I don't mean to sound like a silly Valentine's Day card, but it's really true. Of course physical looks matter because we're visually-stimulated beings, but love isn't something that grows in the eyes.
Just a non-expert's opinion. Take it as you will.
I am 28. Does that make me a "senior"? I do have some...um...experience in this area...shamefully... (I haven't always been trying to live a Christian life.) :-[
Anyway, I'm not sure I understand the question. This seems like one of those things that is as important as you make it. I will say as a general statement that whether physically attracted to someone or not, looks only fade with time. If you love someone for who they are inside and not how they look, that love only grows with time. I don't mean to sound like a silly Valentine's Day card, but it's really true. Of course physical looks matter because we're visually-stimulated beings, but love isn't something that grows in the eyes.
Just a non-expert's opinion. Take it as you will.
maybe I didn't make myself clear enough, So let me rephrase. I understand that true love doesn't depend on how a partner looks from outside and that is why i can say that I love my fiance. However, I just want to make sure that this lack of physical attraction will not make me feel that I am missing something important, which might be a source of troubles afterwards. You know, as true christians, we only have one chance to choose a sexual partner, which is marriage. So, in my particular case, you think I should still continue ?
i want to ask you, do you think about holding her hand? does it feel lovely? that's the only attraction you need at this stage. if not, speak to your priest for advice.
The whole idea of having married priests is that they know what marital life is about and can advise their flock.
For me, if you find her unattractive (don't use the word sexual) - but just face-wise.. then no doubt that will remain the same.
If her figure is a bit on the small side. Let's say that she has no figure.. basically a straight line, no curves, nothing - that, in my opinion, would be a problem.
If she's overweight but has a nice face, then that CAN be solved. But, if she's thin, skinny, and has absolutely NO figure whatsoever, and curvey in the wrong places, then you may not be happy with her.
You are marrying a WOMAN. There must be something physical about her u like? no?
But that's just my opinion. Yet I agree with the other posters... sex is only one part of marriage, but if she's nice towards u, and respects u, that's a huge plus.
The most important thing is that you don't find her ugly or unattractive, because if you do now....things might not change later.
I'd be interested in hearing Fr. Peter's response though.
;)
to all skinny women, I'm here,
Our lifesaver...
Lol I really can't believe you just said that dude.
[quote author=Khas. link=topic=10674.msg130386#msg130386 date=1297369372]
to all skinny women, I'm here,
Our lifesaver...
Lol I really can't believe you just said that dude.
no comment.
Can't take jokes? :P
But I'm pretty serious, I don't care if a girl has no curves, physical appearance is not everything, as long as she loves me and I love her.
habibi....how old are you?
[quote author=minatasgeel link=topic=10674.msg130398#msg130398 date=1297373785]
[quote author=Khas. link=topic=10674.msg130397#msg130397 date=1297373459]
Can't take jokes? :P
But I'm pretty serious, I don't care if a girl has no curves, physical appearance is not everything, as long as she loves me and I love her.
habibi....how old are you?
Old enough to understand that love is not about physical appearance only.
I'm pretty mature for my age, I understand.
Plus the best thing of all, I know how to control my Limbic system :D.
so you're old enough to understand this and not old enough to watch what you write on public Christian forum; as a joke or not.
okay,
deleted, you guys please delete the posts, it is a useless argument.
it's not an argument; i didn't argue i simply stated my opinion.
[quote author=Khas. link=topic=10674.msg130429#msg130429 date=1297390477]
deleted, you guys please delete the posts, it is a useless argument.
it's not an argument; i didn't argue i simply stated my opinion.
And I was going to state my opposing opinion, that's a debate, please remove the quotes above.
[quote author=minatasgeel link=topic=10674.msg130430#msg130430 date=1297391010]
[quote author=Khas. link=topic=10674.msg130429#msg130429 date=1297390477]
deleted, you guys please delete the posts, it is a useless argument.
it's not an argument; i didn't argue i simply stated my opinion.
And I was going to state my opposing opinion, that's a debate, please remove the quotes above.
sorry...but i can't. and i don't think it's a big deal. let it go.
[quote author=Khas. link=topic=10674.msg130431#msg130431 date=1297391221]
[quote author=minatasgeel link=topic=10674.msg130430#msg130430 date=1297391010]
[quote author=Khas. link=topic=10674.msg130429#msg130429 date=1297390477]
deleted, you guys please delete the posts, it is a useless argument.
it's not an argument; i didn't argue i simply stated my opinion.
And I was going to state my opposing opinion, that's a debate, please remove the quotes above.
sorry...but i can't. and i don't think it's a big deal. let it go.
Why did it seem like you were harassing me telling me it's wrong by using strong decisive words such as public Christian form.
Why did it seem like you were harassing me telling me it's wrong by using strong decisive words such as public Christian form.
i am sorry. but i am lost. i really don't understand. i stated an opinion (more like a criticism). you can criticize back if you choose. than we stop somewhere.
According to the wiki entry:
"This type of love [companionate love] is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship but a deep affection and commitment remain."
I just want to say this. Choosing a wife is personal. What is right for me may not be right for you, nor your circumstances.
No one here has said this to you, but I really commend your honesty in raising this issue. One thing I CAN tell you is this (that IS a certainty) :
Whatever problems/faults/dislikes about your wife you see in her BEFORE marriage - you'll most likely have the same problems after marriage.
For example: if I love blonde haired women a lot, and my fiancé has red hair. And I HATE red hair, but she's a nice a person, so I marry her. Then, believe it or not, marriage doesn't make her blonde. She will have red hair. EVEN if she dyes it another colour, she is someone who is naturally red haired which means that your kids may have red hair.
Now, how important is red hair to you?? A lot of people here act as if looks are not important, but its NOT important to them. They may talk to you as if you are exaggerating an issue for no reason (because you seem to have a LOT in common) - but they have NO right to say that to u.
You are marrying a person. a WOMAN, and you must be content with her. If you cannot handle her negative side - marriage doesn't make her negatives into positives. Im not saying that AFTER marriage it will be a problem for you, after marriage, EVERYONE has to learn to live with the negatives.. just like you are not perfect either.
We can philosophise all day and night that "you're not the perfect man, so why are you looking for the perfect woman .. be humble and accept what u have".. yes, that's all well and good, but that's wrong advice. COMPLETELY wrong.
Its like this.
You walk into a department store looking for a pair of shoes size 11.
Size 11 is sold. The size IS available, although its not the most common.
You see a pair of shoes that looks nice, its feels really great to touch and hold. You try them on and you feel that its JUST a bit short for your feet. Its size 10.5.
You tell the sales assistant: "Look, these shoes are great!, i just need size 11".
She tells you "Well, we've sold out of size 11. Although size 11 is the perfect size for you, your feet aren't perfect either and neither is your hair, nor your job. So, just accept size 10.5, because your life isn't perfect either".
You see what I mean?
Its NOT her job to tell you that. You want something PARTICULAR, and yet in life, you come across many options. Its not easy to say "NO" whenever an option comes your way - especially if you like it. But you must decide on one thing: IS THIS WHAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH? IS THIS WHAT YOU WALKED INTO THE STORE TO FIND???
You can argue that after a certain amount of time, you won't notice the pain that a size 10.5 is causing your feet, and you'll get used to it.
But, why are you buying something in the HOPE that it COULD be comfortable? Why don't you find something that's already comfortable for you??? In every aspect??
Its OK to say that you are not attracted to a girl.. that's OK. Its not bad, and you are not vain.
Even Jacob admitted that he prefered the prettiest (IN HIS EYES) of 2 sisters. He prefered Rachel. She was more beautiful in his eyes than Lea (her sister). Did God punish him for liking one physically MORE than the other?? NO!