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APARTMENT MATE ISSUE--PLEASE HELP
Hey everyone,
I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it; I'm hoping someone will be able to offer some advice. This might be a lengthy post. I want to state from now that I'm not saying all this because I expect pity from people. I am saying a lot of details because I really want to know: is it my problem or her problem? Perhaps I am doing something wrong, I don't know. I sincerely wish to know because I am losing my patience very quickly...I'm extremely surprised I was able to keep it this long. I also sincerely wish to find a solution to this problem. Thank you in advance. Here goes...
I live on campus in an apartment with three other girls. Two of the girls I get along with pretty well. However, the third girl is really giving me trouble. She is very rude; she never says "Good morning" or "Hello" and doesn't really acknowledge anyone's presence in the apartment but her own and whatever guy she happens to be with at the moment. When I'm reading my Bible or praying, she deliberately talks to me, even though it's clear that I won't answer her until I'm done. She never washes her dishes, she got a piercing and complains day and night about it, she complains all the time that our apartment is a mess and never takes the initiative to clean anything (in fact, she really hasn't cleaned a thing since we started living in the apartment) and always complains to us (me, especially) that our dishes are in the sink and that the kitchen sink stinks. I washed her dishes for her once because I felt sorry for her. She called me lame because I said that I don't drink. The first quarter of school, she almost attempted suicide, the second quarter, she started going out partying with this guy, this current quarter, she comes home drunk almost every night from partying and she usually has a guy friend with her. Once, she brought a guy friend with her...perhaps they were going out, I'm not sure...and they were engaged in PDA (which was not cool and very distracting as I was trying to study). Another time, she allowed him to sleep in our apartment without our permission. I spoke to her about this because it really upset me and bothered me (it also bothered the other girls) and she became extremely upset about it and started treating me worse than before (even though I didn't speak to her in a demeaning or rude way, I was losing my patience on the inside but I controlled my anger and was rather calm for a change). She was also extremely upset that I told one of our other apartment mates about the attempted suicide incident, even though it concerns all of us and the RA talked to us about it. Nevertheless, I apologized to her. I have always been kind to her and try my best not to do anything that I think would bother her. Now she is upset that I slept on the couch instead of my bed for like 2 nights and she told her guy friend and she basically cussed me out. I heard everything they said; it really hurt my feelings because I didn't do anything to her except sleep on the couch. She never sits outside anyway, she locks herself in her room the entire day. I think she is still upset that I spoke to her about the guy sleeping over incident. I realize that my sleeping on the couch might have bothered her...but I don't think it deserved the reaction she had. Perhaps I am wrong to get upset over this and perhaps I did make a mistake...I don't know...
Tension is getting very high in our apartment between me and her to the point where I thought we might actually get into a fist fight (I'm not worried about that, I can take care of myself relatively well)...I really don't know how to get the tension to go down and how to not be angry with her (this is anger on the inside, I have never expressed anger towards her outwardly). I don't know what to do...I need advice...please help me.
I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it; I'm hoping someone will be able to offer some advice. This might be a lengthy post. I want to state from now that I'm not saying all this because I expect pity from people. I am saying a lot of details because I really want to know: is it my problem or her problem? Perhaps I am doing something wrong, I don't know. I sincerely wish to know because I am losing my patience very quickly...I'm extremely surprised I was able to keep it this long. I also sincerely wish to find a solution to this problem. Thank you in advance. Here goes...
I live on campus in an apartment with three other girls. Two of the girls I get along with pretty well. However, the third girl is really giving me trouble. She is very rude; she never says "Good morning" or "Hello" and doesn't really acknowledge anyone's presence in the apartment but her own and whatever guy she happens to be with at the moment. When I'm reading my Bible or praying, she deliberately talks to me, even though it's clear that I won't answer her until I'm done. She never washes her dishes, she got a piercing and complains day and night about it, she complains all the time that our apartment is a mess and never takes the initiative to clean anything (in fact, she really hasn't cleaned a thing since we started living in the apartment) and always complains to us (me, especially) that our dishes are in the sink and that the kitchen sink stinks. I washed her dishes for her once because I felt sorry for her. She called me lame because I said that I don't drink. The first quarter of school, she almost attempted suicide, the second quarter, she started going out partying with this guy, this current quarter, she comes home drunk almost every night from partying and she usually has a guy friend with her. Once, she brought a guy friend with her...perhaps they were going out, I'm not sure...and they were engaged in PDA (which was not cool and very distracting as I was trying to study). Another time, she allowed him to sleep in our apartment without our permission. I spoke to her about this because it really upset me and bothered me (it also bothered the other girls) and she became extremely upset about it and started treating me worse than before (even though I didn't speak to her in a demeaning or rude way, I was losing my patience on the inside but I controlled my anger and was rather calm for a change). She was also extremely upset that I told one of our other apartment mates about the attempted suicide incident, even though it concerns all of us and the RA talked to us about it. Nevertheless, I apologized to her. I have always been kind to her and try my best not to do anything that I think would bother her. Now she is upset that I slept on the couch instead of my bed for like 2 nights and she told her guy friend and she basically cussed me out. I heard everything they said; it really hurt my feelings because I didn't do anything to her except sleep on the couch. She never sits outside anyway, she locks herself in her room the entire day. I think she is still upset that I spoke to her about the guy sleeping over incident. I realize that my sleeping on the couch might have bothered her...but I don't think it deserved the reaction she had. Perhaps I am wrong to get upset over this and perhaps I did make a mistake...I don't know...
Tension is getting very high in our apartment between me and her to the point where I thought we might actually get into a fist fight (I'm not worried about that, I can take care of myself relatively well)...I really don't know how to get the tension to go down and how to not be angry with her (this is anger on the inside, I have never expressed anger towards her outwardly). I don't know what to do...I need advice...please help me.
Comments
clearly this lady is imposing her lifestyle choices on all of you and it's normal to tell her you don't agree with that.
in order to grow spiritually, you need also to really work on removing the anger.
pray for her (it may be hard at first) and try to see good in her (it will certainly be hard!) and make her a cup of tea or whatever to show that you treat her with respect even if she doesn't treat you with respect.
about her behaviour with guys, maybe you could suggest that if you don't sleep in the lounge, she shouldn't do stuff to guys there (i never heard of PDA, but i can guess), as it is a shared room. also you may have to read the Bible in your bedroom for a while until she calms down a bit (i assume you read it in the lounge as you said she interrupted you). if she doesn't calm down, maybe you have to discuss a change to who lives in that appartment.
i know it's difficult living with people who don't share our values. but if you can do it and stay calm, then it is your chance to be a great witness to God's love, and also share in the sufferings of our Lord Jesus Christ.
may God give you strength, and pray for me too, a sinner.
Although I wish I could offer advice from personal experience, I cannot. However, I have several friends who had bad room-mate experiences. Most end up opting to switch apartments or change room-mates. I don't recommend that. It doesn't solve any problems and can be an additional hassle on you.
I tend to believe that few things happen coincidentally. You being placed in the same house with this girl is no exception. I don't think this just happened by chance. What you have before you is an opportunity to help this girl. Be a light to her feet that leads her to the narrow path.
Practically, you should be firm but loving with her. Let her know that bringing a boy over is unacceptable under any circumstances. Try to help her with her alcohol and partying problem. This will come with showing genuine concern about her well-being. Stay up late and wait for her to make sure she is OK. Tell her to call you if she needs anything. Then gradually try to correct her. Be clear with her that this lifestyle is sinful - do not be aggressive. As for the complaints about the messy apartment - ask her what you can do to fix that. Clean her dishes, vacuum, etc. and do not make a fuss about it. She will notice something different in you. As for her disturbing you while you pray or read the Bible - simply stop, look at her seriously and tell her that your time with God is not to be disturbed because it is special to you and that she must respect that, and whatever it is can wait...I think she will understand. And there is no reason why you aren't sleeping in your room. It seems like you are avoiding the problems. Be open with her and discuss what is on your mind with love.
Sure, life will be harder for you for a while. It may seem like you are a servant and that you are getting abused unjustly. But if the Holy Week reminds us of anything it is that "no servant is greater than his master." So if Christ took the form of a servant and suffered unjustly for our sake to save us. We should do the same for others.
Maybe with persistence you can help change this girl. Show love in everything and you will realize that her attitude will change. Take interest in her life, help her in everything, and teach her about our Lord.
Most of all - PRAY. God be with you and bless you.
Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to work on my anger, it just gets really hard sometimes. PDA is an acronym for Public Display of Affection. I don't read the Bible or pray often in the living room, only when my roommate is sleeping...usually
I do that in my room (which she still comes in and interrupts!)...
Thank you very much for your advice, it was helpful.
Unworthy1,
I've tried talking to her before...the problem is, she never talks to any of us who are in the apartment with her. She locks herself inside and only comes out when she's going to leave to go and party. How do you suppose I should communicate with her if she refuses to communicate with me? Here's the thing...she never really wants to talk about God and she doesn't think she has a problem. Sometimes it comes up casually in conversation and she just ends it very quickly. How do you suppose I should talk to her about her "problem" if she doesn't think she has one. As for the messy apartment, most of us are extremely busy. She's the only one who is not busy...it's ironic that she's the one who is complaining the most. The other two girls who live with me are not bad at all...if she doesn't want to take my example, she has them...but that's her problem, she never talks to anyone...LOL I made her tea when she was sick, when she was suicidal, I offered to listen to her and even gave her my friend's number because he's good with this stuff (she didn't call him nor did she talk to me), I made dinner and shared it with her one night, I let her use my phone on several occasions, let her use my laptop for a whole night because something was wrong with hers, I stayed up until 3am to edit her paper for her, I washed her dishes, I cleaned the ENTIRE apartment before our inspection, she uses everything I have (my milk, oil, etc.)...I don't know what else I can do for her...I don't wanna sound whiny but I've really tried to be as nice as I can be...
As for being open with her about these things...she gets really upset as I mentioned in the original post. I didn't speak rudely with her at all, I tried to state what I wanted to say as nicely as I could. She's just upset that I talked to her about it at all because she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's talked to me about stuff that I did that upset her and I was cool with that...no one is perfect...but then when someone tries to tell her something, she gets upset. I am definitely praying about this situation because it's bothering me a lot and I have trouble sleeping. I don't think she will change but I will pray for her.
Thanks for your advice Unworthy1, I really appreciate it.
There is a difference between pretending to be nice and actually acting in a nice way. It doesn't take a scientist to differentiate between the two. Making her a cup of tea, letting her use your laptop, washing her dishes..etc won't solve anything if you don't love her. She is using you. She knows you can't stand her, so she will keep asking and not appreciating until you lose 100% of your peace.
So, I challenge you to humble yourself in front of her and do as she says for a month, without falling into sin or letting yourself enter any dangerous risks. When she starts complaining about the dishes, immediately offer to clean them. When she complains about you sleeping on the couch, go inside and sleep on your bed. When she interrupts you during prayer, pause what you are doing and listen to her.
There are times when leeways are acceptable, and times when they are inappropriate. For example, do not skip prayer to talk to her. Resume back, or start over, after she has finished talking to you. You said she leaves almost daily to party. Why not dedicate this opportune time for your spiritual life?
Do you have a library nearby? Wouldn't you feel more comfortable studying there than in your dormitory?
The only person who has power to allow this girl to affect your life is YOU. I can already tell you have a strong personality (just from reading your posts); don't get weak now. Hold on to your peace and postpone your anger. Humble yourself in front of her, and obey her requests. Don't pretend to be nice or avoid talking to her. Do not make her feel uncomfortable by repeating the things you see/hear, or leaving the room at night. Continue to grow spiritually and don't allow her to be a stumbling block to your path.
A last piece of advice: if you get into a fist fight with her, make sure you win.
There is a light at the end of every struggle, you just have to keep on walking forward to find it.
Whilst you are reading the Bible, you are reading the Theory. This girl will help you put what you've just read into practice.
According to Abouna's last sermon, you should welcome this situation, and use it bring someone closer to Christ.
Know just what u are going through. Read Pope Shenouda III's book on calmness and but His advice to practice. It is helping me. Hope it helps you.
GB
Greetings,
Know just what u are going through. Read Pope Shenouda III's book on calmness and but His advice to practice. It is helping me. Hope it helps you.
GB
http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/node/9
sounds like u r already nearly a saint, so just keep it up.
:)
You said that:
You try to talk to her but she locks herself in her room; she refuses to communicate with you.
She doesn't think she has a problem. You try to bring up God and she doesn't want to hear it.
You are extremely busy while she is not yet you clean the apartment and wash her dishes and she complains.
You made her tea, dinner, let her share your food and she doesn't appreciate it.
You let her borrow your phone and laptop and stayed up all night helping her edit her paper.
Sometimes this one sided relationship occurs in our life. One person is just a parasite and uses the other yet never appreciates anything and goes so far to even make the other person's life miserable. It happens to all of us. To me it was with my brother whom I did everything for yet he did not want to spend time with me and gave me so many problems.
It lead to me reflect and realize that this relationship is a microcosm of man's relationship with our Lord. He wants to talk to us yet we refuse to listen. He wants to help us with our problems yet we think we are blameless; the mention of His word causes us to shut our ears. He cleans us daily and protects us from harm and we think He has not done enough. He feeds us His Body and Blood and we do not appreciate it. He gives us all we need and helps us in our distress and we forget His grace almost instantly.
Take this relationship and this struggle and turn it into a way to build your relationship with Jesus. Remember your own sins and lack of love for Him when your room-mate abuses you. Remember how we do the same to our Lord everyday and repent and draw nearer to Him.
I speak these words to you but convict myself.
God bless you and give you strength.
Dear GODlovesme,
You said that:
You try to talk to her but she locks herself in her room; she refuses to communicate with you.
She doesn't think she has a problem. You try to bring up God and she doesn't want to hear it.
You are extremely busy while she is not yet you clean the apartment and wash her dishes and she complains.
You made her tea, dinner, let her share your food and she doesn't appreciate it.
You let her borrow your phone and laptop and stayed up all night helping her edit her paper.
Sometimes this one sided relationship occurs in our life. One person is just a parasite and uses the other yet never appreciates anything and goes so far to even make the other person's life miserable. It happens to all of us. To me it was with my brother whom I did everything for yet he did not want to spend time with me and gave me so many problems.
It lead to me reflect and realize that this relationship is a microcosm of man's relationship with our Lord. He wants to talk to us yet we refuse to listen. He wants to help us with our problems yet we think we are blameless; the mention of His word causes us to shut our ears. He cleans us daily and protects us from harm and we think He has not done enough. He feeds us His Body and Blood and we do not appreciate it. He gives us all we need and helps us in our distress and we forget His grace almost instantly.
Take this relationship and this struggle and turn it into a way to build your relationship with Jesus. Remember your own sins and lack of love for Him when your room-mate abuses you. Remember how we do the same to our Lord everyday and repent and draw nearer to Him.
I speak these words to you but convict myself.
God bless you and give you strength.
hey that was exactly what I was saying.
Cheeky!
I lived with a few people I could not get on well with when I was at university.
I lived with a guy and his girlfriend, a Physics student who hated all Christians, a drug taking techno fan, and a girl that sounds a lot like the one you are describing. :P
We all lived in seperate rooms, so could hide away when we were annoyed with eachother. (We did occasionally have fist fights, especially when one came in drunk at 3am and decided to play his drums!) >:(
My advice, from what you have said, is to talk to your housemates about it, and if you are all brave enough to discuss the situation with her, catch her at some time and all voice your view. If she feels she has alienated everyne she lives with it will be different to annoying one fo you.
Otherwise just ride it out. There is just no reasoning with some poeple. It is a sad fact, but the most you can do is pray for her and try to understand her.
Some suggestions/advice:
-Read the Bible in your room and place a "do not disturb" sign at the door.
-Do not share someone else's personal information with others, that's extremely hurtful. Apologize to her again.
-Do not impose your beliefs on her, she doesn't need to be preached to. Let your Christian actions speak for themselves.
-Show kindness/compassion towards her, she was suicidal and needs uplifting and encouragement.
-Create a cleaning schedule and take turns cleaning the house.
-Do not sleep on the couch, this is shared space.
-Have a weekly/monthly meeting where all of you can bring up your concerns/issues and address them in a mature way.
but i don't except that our behavoir must be the same in all cases we need to know the psicology of peaple who u are dealing with if u will do for her good things she will believe that everything it's OK it's more easy to do good things cos bad people is a good madicin but to 'teach' her is more difficult.
For me it was always to escape from unpleasant people cos they have their own lives that they find good but me not
All life for christian on the earth is torture but bad people don't have rights to rule our lives.
Thank you for your advice, it was very helpful and encouraging. I appreciate it.
[quote author=TITL link=topic=11284.msg136279#msg136279 date=1303220274]
A last piece of advice: if you get into a fist fight with her, make sure you win.
LOL I got that covered ;) gym 3 times a week weights only routine, cardio on other days, and a guy at my church offered me free kickboxing or jiu jitsu lessons at his gym :)
Thanks for your encouraging words again.
Thank you for your reply. I agree that this situation will help me put what I have learned into practice, definitely with regards to my anger problems.
elsi70x7,
I have read that book, I found a lot of practical advice in it. Thanks.
mabsoota,
Thank you. You are too kind. I'm nowhere near a saint...please pray for me :)
[quote author=Unworthy1 link=topic=11284.msg136308#msg136308 date=1303240423]
It lead to me reflect and realize that this relationship is a microcosm of man's relationship with our Lord. He wants to talk to us yet we refuse to listen. He wants to help us with our problems yet we think we are blameless; the mention of His word causes us to shut our ears. He cleans us daily and protects us from harm and we think He has not done enough. He feeds us His Body and Blood and we do not appreciate it. He gives us all we need and helps us in our distress and we forget His grace almost instantly.
Take this relationship and this struggle and turn it into a way to build your relationship with Jesus. Remember your own sins and lack of love for Him when your room-mate abuses you. Remember how we do the same to our Lord everyday and repent and draw nearer to Him.
I speak these words to you but convict myself.
God bless you and give you strength.
Unworthy1,
Thank you so much for this post. It really helped me a lot. I appreciate it. It's very true that we do this with Christ and it should be an incentive for me to improve my relationship with Him.
DanieM,
Thank you for your post. We tried talking to her...but...not working out like it should...
grace08 and Smirser,
Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.
[quote author=sodr2 link=topic=11284.msg136422#msg136422 date=1303368994]
my advice: chill
sodr2,
Thanks for the advice buddy.
Personality-wise he is reasonably thankfully, but both of he non-medics in our flat have minimal contact with us anyway (there are 4 medics in our flat, and 2 other guys.) I've just taken to storing my pots and pans (which I admittedly seldom use) in my room - at least it will reduce the volume of cleaning heh.