Hello,
I came here as I am helpless...Nobody can help me...nobody has time for me...anyways I got married to a controlling wife who have told me before the marriage that "you are not to do anything without me..you can't meet friends without me" she was referring to my male firends...It sounded ridiculous...the father of confession thought that that was anybody will do till they get married and then it is gonna change after the wedding..
we got married...the problem got magnified....Now I am not allowed to make phone calls to friends at work....i started arguing and wiht no change of heart...
The control has grown further and further and thr trophy wife (yes ..a princess indeed) choosing a luxurious house...car...disconnecting me from my firends completely (mission accomplished)...disconnecting me from my dad (just because she can't agree with his life style)..Any thing that she pleases she does...If you dare to argue...you are in for a night of craziness..ranging from confinning you in a room ..talking down to you...pushing you at times...taking my wallet car keys...stopping me from going to my professional license exam ...jus the fear I can meet my brother...the list goes on and on...controlling what i eat...where to work...confescating my cell phone...check the logs daily
All these things and I am pleadind with all fathers of confessions...all say pray and be patient...and nobody cann't convince her of anything...
We were selfish (yes selfish) enough to have 2 wondeful kids...I cater to these kids with all my power to take care of them from A to Z...as she can't take care of them (the princess she is)...waking up in the middle of the night ...feeding...changing...playing...driving to daycare and pickup...the kids are attached to me...I try to take them to church every suday...but I get stopped by the wife who wants to confine everyone at home...she says "you don't know God...so don't go pretend"...she lives up to her statement ..."you won't have a social life with me"...even going to church...taking the wallet and hiding the keys
The matters are running out of hand..as I am being abused in front of the kids...being called names..." If you don't like it leave"...plus the fact that I got forced into having her parents at home...
It is getting worse by the day...I am on the firge of banckrupcy as I have to choose a job with a locaton that pleases her...away from my family and my (now) ex friends....I need serious help ..as I tried to get the police to help me in the beining of my marraiage and I don't want to do it again as It will destroy her career..
please help
Comments
Greetings,
I read the blog.
I am concerned about you and you have my sincere praryer for Divine Intervention.
I have few questions:
1. Did this marriage take place in a Coptic Orthodox Church?
2. Was it a rushed marriage or did each one knew the sense of responsbility for this journey?
3. Was there expectations that one or both parties will be pursuing professional studies while married?
4. Was there enough time for both parties to study one another and know one self before entering this commitment?
5. Was there full approval from parents of both parties?
I have to admit this is a serious situation that needs professional help, serious prayers for Christ's intervention, and patience to have the issue resolved. On the bright side, this could be seen as a situation that has been created because as human beings we are weak and are vulnerable to make wrong choices, however, Christ is in all and above all is able to make things work for the good to all who believe in His Holy Name and an opportunity to be humbled to know ourselves better, come close to the Lord and also a chance for becoming stronger emotionally and spiritually.
My sincere prayers will be with you asking for Divine Intervention to make things work for better to those who love and serve the Lord's Name.
Be patient and keep asking for Christ's help, rest assured He will not let you down.
Wishing you the best and many blessings.
Best of luck.
id put her in her place if i were u...you're supposed to be the head of the house
This is horrible advice. What are you trying to say, that it's wrong for a woman to do it, but if a man does it it's ok because he's the head of the house. Just because a man is the head of the house doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants. You need to sit down with your wife and talk to her (calmly) about it. I honestly would give you more advice, but I don't know her personally so I can't really say anything. Most importantly before you do anything, just pray about it and God will take matters into His own hands.
I don't have any advice for you but I will remember you in my humble prayers.
May our loving Lord intervene and may He bring peace into your home.
Ebnyasoo3
Your name is truly adequate as nothing short of a miracle will fix this issue.
Have you considered that your wife might need psychological/medical attention? The situation you described is not at all normal and certainly shocking in some parts - I think it's important that you consider it. Please speak to your father of confession because he'll probably know of someone you can speak to, if not, see another priest. You have to treat this matter with wisdom, that can only come from God. So before you do anything, pray. After you do anything, pray that it works!
This is a cross that you must bear while taking steps to resolve the issue, for your own sake - and for the sake of her own salvation as well as your children. Do so in love, prayer, patience, faith and hope! Don't give up, seek and you WILL find!
Pleasee pray for me also.
Hello Miracleseek,
I get the feeling your wife is jealous. This comes about by insecurity. I think you will have to make her feel good about herself in a non-judgemental way.
You will have to accept the way she feels about something and reflect those feelings back to her. By saying - "you feel that ....." or "you sound ..." and fill in the rest by describing in your words how she feels.
It doesn't mean you are going to lose yourself. You are who you are. As GOD said to Moses, "I am Who I am." You have your territory. If some one came up and stood on your foot by accident most people would say sorry. So you have to define those boundries. You have to say how you feel when she comes into your territory. Be assertive in actions you decide on and take. She will get angry, but you have to get back your territory a little bit at a time. So start by protecting little parts at first and eventually she won't be insecure enough to have her parents there as well. Give her praise for the good things she does. This builds confidence.
May GOD protect you, strenghten you, and always be your guide.
Greetings,
I read the blog.
I am concerned about you and you have my sincere praryer for Divine Intervention.
I have few questions:
1. Did this marriage take place in a Coptic Orthodox Church?
2. Was it a rushed marriage or did each one knew the sense of responsbility for this journey?
3. Was there expectations that one or both parties will be pursuing professional studies while married?
4. Was there enough time for both parties to study one another and know one self before entering this commitment?
5. Was there full approval from parents of both parties?
I have to admit this is a serious situation that needs professional help, serious prayers for Christ's intervention, and patience to have the issue resolved. On the bright side, this could be seen as a situation that has been created because as human beings we are weak and are vulnerable to make wrong choices, however, Christ is in all and above all is able to make things work for the good to all who believe in His Holy Name and an opportunity to be humbled to know ourselves better, come close to the Lord and also a chance for becoming stronger emotionally and spiritually.
My sincere prayers will be with you asking for Divine Intervention to make things work for better to those who love and serve the Lord's Name.
Be patient and keep asking for Christ's help, rest assured He will not let you down.
Wishing you the best and many blessings.
Best of luck.
Thanks for your answer ...to answer your questions
1) Yes.
2) I did...she had the feeling that she is a princess
3) I am always being bdriven by her to pursue futher advanced studies (to bring in more money for her infinte ambitions)...I try to ask her to adavance in her career but she refuses.
4) the time was a year and half...I saw a lot of signs...but the father of confession told me "You can't fid somebody who loves you like that"...and "all these things will disappear after the marriage"...I can't blame anybody but myself.
5) Yes.
Hello Miracleseek,
I get the feeling your wife is jealous. This comes about by insecurity. I think you will have to make her feel good about herself in a non-judgemental way.
You will have to accept the way she feels about something and reflect those feelings back to her. By saying - "you feel that ....." or "you sound ..." and fill in the rest by describing in your words how she feels.
It doesn't mean you are going to lose yourself. You are who you are. As GOD said to Moses, "I am Who I am." You have your territory. If some one came up and stood on your foot by accident most people would say sorry. So you have to define those boundries. You have to say how you feel when she comes into your territory. Be assertive in actions you decide on and take. She will get angry, but you have to get back your territory a little bit at a time. So start by protecting little parts at first and eventually she won't be insecure enough to have her parents there as well. Give her praise for the good things she does. This builds confidence.
May GOD protect you, strenghten you, and always be your guide.
Thanks Joshuaa...I cam't find a reason for her to be jealous...I don't have any female friends..I became so antisocial in the last 4 years..because I am trying problems thta she can cause...the only way she will feel secure is to take my cell phone..which she did sometimes....and my walllet...so I even won't call anybody ...
In regrards t boundaires..."We are one"...that's what I am getting...and If i try to be assertive...threats of breaking and damaging parts of the house..she actually through glass candle on the TV...lately..."if you don't like it ...leave"
in regards to prasising good deeds...she doesn't do anything at the house...and when I find a reason to praise her...she tells me |"stop faking"...she knows she doesn' do anyting ...and she said clearly I won't do anything...
I'm truly sorry for all what you went through, and I'm praying for you that God may intervene quickly and take control of your lives.
I'm sure you probably tried this already, but when your wife starts to do these actions, do you try to calm her down and understand why she's doing all of that? It sounds to me like she's very stubborn, and you're not, which is a good thing.
Does she go to church, confess, and partake of the Holy Communion?
From your discussion, I'm assuming she's not working, so is she home all day until you and/or the kids return home?
Does she have friends, go out or socialize?
Again, I'll keep you in my prayers and ask for the intercessions of Saint Mary, Pope Kyrollos, Abouna AbdelMessih El Manahry, St. George, St. Mina, St. Philopateer Mercurious...etc...I'm sure they can be of great help.
Miracleseek,
I'm truly sorry for all what you went through, and I'm praying for you that God may intervene quickly and take control of your lives.
I'm sure you probably tried this already, but when your wife starts to do these actions, do you try to calm her down and understand why she's doing all of that? It sounds to me like she's very stubborn, and you're not, which is a good thing.
Does she go to church, confess, and partake of the Holy Communion?
From your discussion, I'm assuming she's not working, so is she home all day until you and/or the kids return home?
Does she have friends, go out or socialize?
Again, I'll keep you in my prayers and ask for the intercessions of Saint Mary, Pope Kyrollos, Abouna AbdelMessih El Manahry, St. George, St. Mina, St. Philopateer Mercurious...etc...I'm sure they can be of great help.
Thanks for your kind words...my wife works on and off..she is a religion teacher (ironic I know)...she locks everybody at home if she doens't feel like going to church...,I am not allowed to go alone...I tried to calm her down all the time...but it is like "I hate you..leave..."..."you neglect me..you don't give me enough attention"...after a long working day...coming home and taking care of one kid at a time...(from a to z)...there is barely time to do anything...especailly if she is always on Facebook on her phone on the couch...th eonly way to calm her down,,,is to beg and plead and be happy with the abuse.
thanks
i know a similar situation like this (yes, the police were involved to protect the husband - it is not only women who suffer physical and psychological abuse) and it did not go on forever.
God can change things, but sometimes He changes you to make you really strong to cope with the bad things, and sometimes it takes time.
i think you should not worry about your children, it looks like you are teaching them very good things, and they will remember the good things you do for them.
firstly don't try to do more than you can, and don't feel guilty about not doing more than you can.
eg. if i win more money the faster i run, but i can't run very fast, i should not feel bad for coming 4th in the race instead of 1st. if 4th is the best i can do, i should be content with that.
you can't stop your wife teaching your children bad things. i'm sorry it sounds like i am being harsh, but you are not in control of that so should not feel guilty for not being able to do that.
you can teach them different things to what she teaches them, and then it is up to them to decide what to learn. God will help them and guide them.
so, look for other ways to do the things you can't do.
you are able to go out to work (thank God you don't work from home), so is there time at work to pray for 5 minutes in the lunch break? get a small icon of a saint you personally relate to, that is your personal choice (even print one off from the internet if you can't get a solid one) and put it somewhere and pray there in your own little space (in the car, in the park, in a disused office, in the men's toilet if you have too...) for a few minutes and pour your heart out to God every day and also pray the psalms and whatever you can find time for from the agpeya.
if you travel to work, listen to alhan or other spiritual songs to remind your heart that you belong to God.
when you get home and are listening to the children talking about their day, there and then give thanks to God with them for all the good things of the day. make short prayers a part of your daily routine and teach your children the same way.
when reading to the children, read from the Bible (eg. the story of zacchaeus from luke 19 who was so desperate to see Jesus and how Jesus had mercy on him).
your way out is through immersing yourself in God, in His word, in His love, and, when you can, in His church.
so avoid all unnecessary junk (your time is precious, so don't watch the news for half and hour, read news for 5 minutes on the internet, then read from the Bible or pray), and you will soon find many tiny chances during the day to be close to God. eg. when you help someone at work to do a task, afterwards thank God silently that you had a chance to show mercy as God shows mercy. identify with Jesus in every opportunity.
eg. it is raining, think of all the lovely food that will grow because of the rain. it is sunny, think of how God created the sun to warm us and give us physical comfort.
it sounds a bit corny, but as you give every thought to God, sooner or later, the way through your problems will become clearer.
we will pray for you too and for all those who suffer in abusive relationships and for those who lack the freedom to travel and also those who are in trouble when they share their faith.
may God give us strength when we find ourselves being purified.
May God grant you wisdom and patience.
You must find out WHY your wife is doing all of this. This is critical in finding the solution. You have listed all the problems and all the horrible things she has done. But what is the underlying issue. Why doesn't she want you to see your friends? Why does she feel like she is a princess? Why does she do all the other things you listed?
On a side note - you are not alone in this. Many people become abused by their spouses - surprisingly many of them are women abusers.
Your situation is not the only one in the world and you will overcome it, with God's grace.
It seems to me that this has been going on for a while and that you have let it grow out of control. It must have started with minor things but evolved over time. However, we cannot dwell on the past and say that you could have stopped it while it was a 'small' problem. No problem is too big for our Lord.
The main thing lacking in this relationship is respect. Your wife does not honor you. She does not see you as an autonomous individual.
So how do you gain this autonomy? How do you gain this respect?
You gain respect by REPEATEDLY making correct decisions. But in your case it seems you aren't making any decisions to begin with. That must change. You have to let her know that she has been making all the decisions and now you are in a financial mess. You must show her that you have lost respect for her and that she must try to gain that respect back, while also making her believe that you are the respected, autonomous head of the house.
You have to reverse everything.
The question arises again: How?
1) You must take control of the money supply. This is the key (in my opinion). Take away her credit card, cancel her cell-phone, etc. Whatever it takes show her that she is dependent on you. You pay the bills. You decide what you guys need and what you don't. You do the shopping. You buy the clothes, etc. Thus, when she needs something she must come to YOU.
Once this happens you have some leverage. Right now you have nothing. And when she comes to you asking for something, learn how to say "NO!" No matter how reasonable the request, say "no" a few times. Just to regain authority and dominance.
2) Rebuild the relationship with your friends and find her some friends or something that she is good at to do. She needs something to give her a sense of fulfillment.
3) Start building your relationship with her. Take her out once in a while. Make these outings special by doing them less often. I am not talking about once a month. Start of with once every two months. Why? Because things are more special when they are done less often. Once your relationship is healthy, then you can begin to go out more.
4) Start leading her to the church step by step. Watch religious shows, bring an abouna for a visit, participate in a church activity, take her to major feasts, then weekly, etc.
--Many of the things I have said might be counter-intuitive but I believe they will help. As my father of confession always tells me (although I am not married): "When you have a family, if you are married, you should be 3 because Christ is in you midst. And if you have a child, you should be 4, because Christ is in your midst. All marital problems are essentially spiritual problems. Grow spiritually and build your kids up spiritually and she will follow suit.
God be with you.
I will need to admit that this is definitely a cross that you will need to endure for sometime, until the Lord glorifies.
I would like, however, to comment on a few of the answers you gave to my previous questions.
The first one is response no. 4 where you mentioned that:
4) the time was a year and half...I saw a lot of signs...but the father of confession told me "You can't fid somebody who loves you like that"...and "all these things will disappear after the marriage"...I can't blame anybody but myself.
An a year and half is a reasonable amount of time to test one another, though again it can be dependent on numerous social and personal factors. I am not sure if the signs you encountered were negative or positive. However, there should have been a red flag when you received the response that these things will 'disappear after marriage'.
I do not necessarily agree that is a fair statement or you were given an 'honest statement'. With marriage comes a responsibility specially when kids come on the scene. Life moves faster than you were a bachelor, and hence there is more stress as an individual begin to add financial and social obligations and commitments. Specially in North America or nowadays the whole world moves at a fast pace and is driven by money, power, and Egocentrism.
That is after the fact, I know.
2. 'She feels like a princess'. That is dream land. Life is pretty tough as it is and it requires that each person carries their own weight in order to experience success at the Spiritual, Emotional, Financial and professional level.
I must salute you though for being brave and courageous in helping your kids though you come back drained-out from a hard day at work and for being persistent in taking them to church on a regular basis. I would like to assure you that the Lord Christ will not forget your labour of love and will not let it be in vain.
I understand that you like to advance your education to bring in more money. to this point, I would like to have you open your mind because it has been my experience that professional designations are tough and require a lot of commitment, sweat and tears, specially when you have a family to take care of. What I found out that after all the sweat and tears, there is no guarantee of a nice high paying job, unless it is in Pharmacy or Dentistry. I have encountered a number of people who after finishing University ends up running their own businesses, or getting a franchise. Don't get me wrong I believe in higher education to elevate the thinking. Also, money is not necessarily the source of happiness. It is a tool that can be used to glorify the Lord. Hence my argument here that a change of mindset and thinking is required and this change can only occur through the help of the Lord Christ.
I believe you can also see this family issue as a sign that whatever you are currently doing is not working. So you will need to change direction mentally. I hope you are able to understand what I am trying to say here. For example, if it means that more studying is not allowing you more time with your family or time to have good fun, then it may be wise to postpone that for a little while until the morale inside the family is improved. Change is hard at the beginning, however, the rewards are priceless down the road.
I would ask you to consider investing in yourself by reading motivational and inspirational books, introducing time for physical exercise, and time for a picnic to enjoy the outdoors. In other words, I am asking if you can squeeze a little time to invest in yourself ( devoting time to personal prayers, physical exercise,.....) and elevate your thinking to better be able to handle this issue as best as the Lord guides.
There is a lot of advice given here and by other members as well, I pray to the Lord to guide you implement and take the appropriate action to conquer this situation and see the Hands of the Lord, who always gives generously and without reproach.
Continue to pray for Divine Wisdom and have Faith in Christ who is the giver of all good things. Also, remember the good old days you spent before marriage and think about your life dreams, accomplishments and the happy times, and pray that the Lord to restore these days, because He is able and willing.
This is not easy, however, try not to focus on guilt. Guilt is a war from the devil. As long as in you have best intentions and working on solving the issue in the Name of the Lord Christ, then guilt should be non-existant. Again, pray that the Lord removes the guilt because it will not help you be strong and stand on your feet.
Be assured you will be stronger after you see the Hands of God in this issue.
May the blessings of the Holy Theotokos saint Mary bless you and make this problem dissolve the same way she melted the iron prison doors in which St. Matthias was being held.
It is my sincere prayer to hear positive news in the short while.
Wishing you many blessings and the very best.
Today's Readings
Ps 33:20-21
Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Keep faith.
Best regards.
Greetings again,
I will need to admit that this is definitely a cross that you will need to endure for sometime, until the Lord glorifies.
I would like, however, to comment on a few of the answers you gave to my previous questions.
The first one is response no. 4 where you mentioned that:
4) the time was a year and half...I saw a lot of signs...but the father of confession told me "You can't fid somebody who loves you like that"...and "all these things will disappear after the marriage"...I can't blame anybody but myself.
An a year and half is a reasonable amount of time to test one another, though again it can be dependent on numerous social and personal factors. I am not sure if the signs you encountered were negative or positive. However, there should have been a red flag when you received the response that these things will 'disappear after marriage'.
I do not necessarily agree that is a fair statement or you were given an 'honest statement'. With marriage comes a responsibility specially when kids come on the scene. Life moves faster than you were a bachelor, and hence there is more stress as an individual begin to add financial and social obligations and commitments. Specially in North America or nowadays the whole world moves at a fast pace and is driven by money, power, and Egocentrism.
That is after the fact, I know.
2. 'She feels like a princess'. That is dream land. Life is pretty tough as it is and it requires that each person carries their own weight in order to experience success at the Spiritual, Emotional, Financial and professional level.
I must salute you though for being brave and courageous in helping your kids though you come back drained-out from a hard day at work and for being persistent in taking them to church on a regular basis. I would like to assure you that the Lord Christ will not forget your labour of love and will not let it be in vain.
I understand that you like to advance your education to bring in more money. to this point, I would like to have you open your mind because it has been my experience that professional designations are tough and require a lot of commitment, sweat and tears, specially when you have a family to take care of. What I found out that after all the sweat and tears, there is no guarantee of a nice high paying job, unless it is in Pharmacy or Dentistry. I have encountered a number of people who after finishing University ends up running their own businesses, or getting a franchise. Don't get me wrong I believe in higher education to elevate the thinking. Also, money is not necessarily the source of happiness. It is a tool that can be used to glorify the Lord. Hence my argument here that a change of mindset and thinking is required and this change can only occur through the help of the Lord Christ.
I believe you can also see this family issue as a sign that whatever you are currently doing is not working. So you will need to change direction mentally. I hope you are able to understand what I am trying to say here. For example, if it means that more studying is not allowing you more time with your family or time to have good fun, then it may be wise to postpone that for a little while until the morale inside the family is improved. Change is hard at the beginning, however, the rewards are priceless down the road.
I would ask you to consider investing in yourself by reading motivational and inspirational books, introducing time for physical exercise, and time for a picnic to enjoy the outdoors. In other words, I am asking if you can squeeze a little time to invest in yourself ( devoting time to personal prayers, physical exercise,.....) and elevate your thinking to better be able to handle this issue as best as the Lord guides.
There is a lot of advice given here and by other members as well, I pray to the Lord to guide you implement and take the appropriate action to conquer this situation and see the Hands of the Lord, who always gives generously and without reproach.
Continue to pray for Divine Wisdom and have Faith in Christ who is the giver of all good things. Also, remember the good old days you spent before marriage and think about your life dreams, accomplishments and the happy times, and pray that the Lord to restore these days, because He is able and willing.
This is not easy, however, try not to focus on guilt. Guilt is a war from the devil. As long as in you have best intentions and working on solving the issue in the Name of the Lord Christ, then guilt should be non-existant. Again, pray that the Lord removes the guilt because it will not help you be strong and stand on your feet.
Be assured you will be stronger after you see the Hands of God in this issue.
May the blessings of the Holy Theotokos saint Mary bless you and make this problem dissolve the same way she melted the iron prison doors in which St. Matthias was being held.
It is my sincere prayer to hear positive news in the short while.
Wishing you many blessings and the very best.
Today's Readings
Ps 33:20-21
Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Keep faith.
Best regards.
Have you tried seeking the help and advice of Anba Paula? He's the head in the Coptic Church of marriage and relationship issues.
I have previously tried emailing him...but no response...and of Course when he comes to North America...I am not allowed to go on my own ...she told me if even the pope talks to her...she will never change her mind..she is right on everything
we will all pray for you in this difficult situation.
i know a similar situation like this (yes, the police were involved to protect the husband - it is not only women who suffer physical and psychological abuse) and it did not go on forever.
God can change things, but sometimes He changes you to make you really strong to cope with the bad things, and sometimes it takes time.
i think you should not worry about your children, it looks like you are teaching them very good things, and they will remember the good things you do for them.
firstly don't try to do more than you can, and don't feel guilty about not doing more than you can.
eg. if i win more money the faster i run, but i can't run very fast, i should not feel bad for coming 4th in the race instead of 1st. if 4th is the best i can do, i should be content with that.
you can't stop your wife teaching your children bad things. i'm sorry it sounds like i am being harsh, but you are not in control of that so should not feel guilty for not being able to do that.
you can teach them different things to what she teaches them, and then it is up to them to decide what to learn. God will help them and guide them.
so, look for other ways to do the things you can't do.
you are able to go out to work (thank God you don't work from home), so is there time at work to pray for 5 minutes in the lunch break? get a small icon of a saint you personally relate to, that is your personal choice (even print one off from the internet if you can't get a solid one) and put it somewhere and pray there in your own little space (in the car, in the park, in a disused office, in the men's toilet if you have too...) for a few minutes and pour your heart out to God every day and also pray the psalms and whatever you can find time for from the agpeya.
if you travel to work, listen to alhan or other spiritual songs to remind your heart that you belong to God.
when you get home and are listening to the children talking about their day, there and then give thanks to God with them for all the good things of the day. make short prayers a part of your daily routine and teach your children the same way.
when reading to the children, read from the Bible (eg. the story of zacchaeus from luke 19 who was so desperate to see Jesus and how Jesus had mercy on him).
your way out is through immersing yourself in God, in His word, in His love, and, when you can, in His church.
so avoid all unnecessary junk (your time is precious, so don't watch the news for half and hour, read news for 5 minutes on the internet, then read from the Bible or pray), and you will soon find many tiny chances during the day to be close to God. eg. when you help someone at work to do a task, afterwards thank God silently that you had a chance to show mercy as God shows mercy. identify with Jesus in every opportunity.
eg. it is raining, think of all the lovely food that will grow because of the rain. it is sunny, think of how God created the sun to warm us and give us physical comfort.
it sounds a bit corny, but as you give every thought to God, sooner or later, the way through your problems will become clearer.
we will pray for you too and for all those who suffer in abusive relationships and for those who lack the freedom to travel and also those who are in trouble when they share their faith.
may God give us strength when we find ourselves being purified.
Thanks for your kind words.....I tried to dig deep on the reason....she started giving me "my love id Platonic" (she doesn't know even the meaning of that.)...she told me we are one souls and one body...You should not have fun away from me.....I forgot to mention that she had 2 failed engagagements before me....but I wanted to be fair and look this over...
I help everyone I could...before I got married I was helping friends..strangers ...family...(Please forgive me God from the demon of ego)....once I got married....I tried being the same...even behind her back....but if she found out....the abuse increased....I remeber one of my friends was looking for a job...so I recommmended him to my company...she found out that through my call log and she made me call him and say "please don't work for that company...and I can't br friends with you"....I had to do that or else...your wallet and car keys will be taken and you can't have them...
I still try to always help...although the guilt is killing me for not helping my Dad...thoughts of what to do when he grows old and needs my assisstance...oh help me God..
As for my kids...hoe long is enough...till they see there DAD humilated abd their mom telling them to curse at their dad....?
miracleseek,
May God grant you wisdom and patience.
You must find out WHY your wife is doing all of this. This is critical in finding the solution. You have listed all the problems and all the horrible things she has done. But what is the underlying issue. Why doesn't she want you to see your friends? Why does she feel like she is a princess? Why does she do all the other things you listed?
On a side note - you are not alone in this. Many people become abused by their spouses - surprisingly many of them are women abusers.
Your situation is not the only one in the world and you will overcome it, with God's grace.
It seems to me that this has been going on for a while and that you have let it grow out of control. It must have started with minor things but evolved over time. However, we cannot dwell on the past and say that you could have stopped it while it was a 'small' problem. No problem is too big for our Lord.
The main thing lacking in this relationship is respect. Your wife does not honor you. She does not see you as an autonomous individual.
So how do you gain this autonomy? How do you gain this respect?
You gain respect by REPEATEDLY making correct decisions. But in your case it seems you aren't making any decisions to begin with. That must change. You have to let her know that she has been making all the decisions and now you are in a financial mess. You must show her that you have lost respect for her and that she must try to gain that respect back, while also making her believe that you are the respected, autonomous head of the house.
You have to reverse everything.
The question arises again: How?
1) You must take control of the money supply. This is the key (in my opinion). Take away her credit card, cancel her cell-phone, etc. Whatever it takes show her that she is dependent on you. You pay the bills. You decide what you guys need and what you don't. You do the shopping. You buy the clothes, etc. Thus, when she needs something she must come to YOU.
Once this happens you have some leverage. Right now you have nothing. And when she comes to you asking for something, learn how to say "NO!" No matter how reasonable the request, say "no" a few times. Just to regain authority and dominance.
2) Rebuild the relationship with your friends and find her some friends or something that she is good at to do. She needs something to give her a sense of fulfillment.
3) Start building your relationship with her. Take her out once in a while. Make these outings special by doing them less often. I am not talking about once a month. Start of with once every two months. Why? Because things are more special when they are done less often. Once your relationship is healthy, then you can begin to go out more.
4) Start leading her to the church step by step. Watch religious shows, bring an abouna for a visit, participate in a church activity, take her to major feasts, then weekly, etc.
--Many of the things I have said might be counter-intuitive but I believe they will help. As my father of confession always tells me (although I am not married): "When you have a family, if you are married, you should be 3 because Christ is in you midst. And if you have a child, you should be 4, because Christ is in your midst. All marital problems are essentially spiritual problems. Grow spiritually and build your kids up spiritually and she will follow suit.
God be with you.
Thanks for your encouraginf words.
1) We have a joint bank account...and I told her I am going to do thst one time...th threat was I will make your life living helll...I will call the cops on you and tell them that you are abusing me.
2) she said I don't have friends...My friends are mine...she has school firends that she goes out with (allowing herself to do that and I am not allowed)..when I ask...."you can't be trusted...if you don't like it leave).
3) I am forced into eating out wiht her...3 times in a week...major finiancial disaster...the reason is " I am not gonna go out eat out like a loser"...
4) I am not allowed to fast..as syamee food will not help lose weight ...that is a mandate by her if I want to live at home...many times she warns that she will not see any priest.
All these conflict confornations..I don't want my kids to see..don't know what to do
Greetings again,
I will need to admit that this is definitely a cross that you will need to endure for sometime, until the Lord glorifies.
I would like, however, to comment on a few of the answers you gave to my previous questions.
The first one is response no. 4 where you mentioned that:
4) the time was a year and half...I saw a lot of signs...but the father of confession told me "You can't fid somebody who loves you like that"...and "all these things will disappear after the marriage"...I can't blame anybody but myself.
An a year and half is a reasonable amount of time to test one another, though again it can be dependent on numerous social and personal factors. I am not sure if the signs you encountered were negative or positive. However, there should have been a red flag when you received the response that these things will 'disappear after marriage'.
I do not necessarily agree that is a fair statement or you were given an 'honest statement'. With marriage comes a responsibility specially when kids come on the scene. Life moves faster than you were a bachelor, and hence there is more stress as an individual begin to add financial and social obligations and commitments. Specially in North America or nowadays the whole world moves at a fast pace and is driven by money, power, and Egocentrism.
That is after the fact, I know.
2. 'She feels like a princess'. That is dream land. Life is pretty tough as it is and it requires that each person carries their own weight in order to experience success at the Spiritual, Emotional, Financial and professional level.
I must salute you though for being brave and courageous in helping your kids though you come back drained-out from a hard day at work and for being persistent in taking them to church on a regular basis. I would like to assure you that the Lord Christ will not forget your labour of love and will not let it be in vain.
I understand that you like to advance your education to bring in more money. to this point, I would like to have you open your mind because it has been my experience that professional designations are tough and require a lot of commitment, sweat and tears, specially when you have a family to take care of. What I found out that after all the sweat and tears, there is no guarantee of a nice high paying job, unless it is in Pharmacy or Dentistry. I have encountered a number of people who after finishing University ends up running their own businesses, or getting a franchise. Don't get me wrong I believe in higher education to elevate the thinking. Also, money is not necessarily the source of happiness. It is a tool that can be used to glorify the Lord. Hence my argument here that a change of mindset and thinking is required and this change can only occur through the help of the Lord Christ.
I believe you can also see this family issue as a sign that whatever you are currently doing is not working. So you will need to change direction mentally. I hope you are able to understand what I am trying to say here. For example, if it means that more studying is not allowing you more time with your family or time to have good fun, then it may be wise to postpone that for a little while until the morale inside the family is improved. Change is hard at the beginning, however, the rewards are priceless down the road.
I would ask you to consider investing in yourself by reading motivational and inspirational books, introducing time for physical exercise, and time for a picnic to enjoy the outdoors. In other words, I am asking if you can squeeze a little time to invest in yourself ( devoting time to personal prayers, physical exercise,.....) and elevate your thinking to better be able to handle this issue as best as the Lord guides.
There is a lot of advice given here and by other members as well, I pray to the Lord to guide you implement and take the appropriate action to conquer this situation and see the Hands of the Lord, who always gives generously and without reproach.
Continue to pray for Divine Wisdom and have Faith in Christ who is the giver of all good things. Also, remember the good old days you spent before marriage and think about your life dreams, accomplishments and the happy times, and pray that the Lord to restore these days, because He is able and willing.
This is not easy, however, try not to focus on guilt. Guilt is a war from the devil. As long as in you have best intentions and working on solving the issue in the Name of the Lord Christ, then guilt should be non-existant. Again, pray that the Lord removes the guilt because it will not help you be strong and stand on your feet.
Be assured you will be stronger after you see the Hands of God in this issue.
May the blessings of the Holy Theotokos saint Mary bless you and make this problem dissolve the same way she melted the iron prison doors in which St. Matthias was being held.
It is my sincere prayer to hear positive news in the short while.
Wishing you many blessings and the very best.
Today's Readings
Ps 33:20-21
Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Keep faith.
Best regards.
Thanks for your words and prayers....My professional career is not an issue....I am not currently studing...the incident that I got resisted from was going to my professonal designation exam...
She pushes me to do more studies ...but realisticly...I have work...taking care of the kids...supporting her shopping and goingout habbits...(she said she will not go out like a loser...and she doens't keep in touch with her firends...she only goes out wiht her work firnds on the week days)...she is the only child too..I maybe have forgot to mention that..
All the above leaves me make be 5 hours of sleep if possible...thx
I appreciate that you are going through a very difficult time. But something you said has raised a red flag for me. You said that you tried to contact Bishop Paula and he when he comes to North America, she will not let you travel. You also said your father of confession told you that it will change after marriage. I'm sorry but in my experience the general population (and the priests all the more) know you can't change a person after marriage. That is why there is a engagement period. So you can leave the other person whom you are not compatible with in a Christian way. I find it hard to believe any priest would give such bad advise. Is it possible you misunderstood your father of confession? I also find hard to believe that if you wanted to contact Bishop Paula, the priests would not facilitate it for you. There was a situation here where our priest contacted Pope Shenouda himself about a marriage to a Greek Orthodox person. From all the shows Bishop Paula does on CTV and Agapy, he goes out of his way to make himself available.
More importantly, this forum is not the place to complain about your wife. We can do nothing more than pray. If you want a practical solution to reconcile with your wife, you can only do this with Church and the clergy. If you simply want to complain about her and call her names, then this forum should be locked.
More importantly, this forum is not the place to complain about your wife. We can do nothing more than pray. If you want a practical solution to reconcile with your wife, you can only do this with Church and the clergy. If you simply want to complain about her and call her names, then this forum should be locked.
Are you serious? You think all he is interested in is calling his wife names and complaining about her. Miracleseek has done an excellent job of restraining himself; he never called his wife a "control-freak," "snob," etc. Rather, he used examples instead. I think he made it clear that he tried many things and has found that no one has time for him. At the very least, as his brothers in Christ, we can offer him encouragement through our responses. We can do more than pray for him. Maybe one of us had a similar experience or witnessed something similar and have practical solutions to offer. I don't see any reason why this thread should be locked; it would be insensitive to do so.
[quote author=Unworthy1 link=topic=11418.msg137795#msg137795 date=1305227709]
miracleseek,
May God grant you wisdom and patience.
You must find out WHY your wife is doing all of this. This is critical in finding the solution. You have listed all the problems and all the horrible things she has done. But what is the underlying issue. Why doesn't she want you to see your friends? Why does she feel like she is a princess? Why does she do all the other things you listed?
On a side note - you are not alone in this. Many people become abused by their spouses - surprisingly many of them are women abusers.
Your situation is not the only one in the world and you will overcome it, with God's grace.
It seems to me that this has been going on for a while and that you have let it grow out of control. It must have started with minor things but evolved over time. However, we cannot dwell on the past and say that you could have stopped it while it was a 'small' problem. No problem is too big for our Lord.
The main thing lacking in this relationship is respect. Your wife does not honor you. She does not see you as an autonomous individual.
So how do you gain this autonomy? How do you gain this respect?
You gain respect by REPEATEDLY making correct decisions. But in your case it seems you aren't making any decisions to begin with. That must change. You have to let her know that she has been making all the decisions and now you are in a financial mess. You must show her that you have lost respect for her and that she must try to gain that respect back, while also making her believe that you are the respected, autonomous head of the house.
You have to reverse everything.
The question arises again: How?
1) You must take control of the money supply. This is the key (in my opinion). Take away her credit card, cancel her cell-phone, etc. Whatever it takes show her that she is dependent on you. You pay the bills. You decide what you guys need and what you don't. You do the shopping. You buy the clothes, etc. Thus, when she needs something she must come to YOU.
Once this happens you have some leverage. Right now you have nothing. And when she comes to you asking for something, learn how to say "NO!" No matter how reasonable the request, say "no" a few times. Just to regain authority and dominance.
2) Rebuild the relationship with your friends and find her some friends or something that she is good at to do. She needs something to give her a sense of fulfillment.
3) Start building your relationship with her. Take her out once in a while. Make these outings special by doing them less often. I am not talking about once a month. Start of with once every two months. Why? Because things are more special when they are done less often. Once your relationship is healthy, then you can begin to go out more.
4) Start leading her to the church step by step. Watch religious shows, bring an abouna for a visit, participate in a church activity, take her to major feasts, then weekly, etc.
--Many of the things I have said might be counter-intuitive but I believe they will help. As my father of confession always tells me (although I am not married): "When you have a family, if you are married, you should be 3 because Christ is in you midst. And if you have a child, you should be 4, because Christ is in your midst. All marital problems are essentially spiritual problems. Grow spiritually and build your kids up spiritually and she will follow suit.
God be with you.
Thanks for your encouraginf words.
1) We have a joint bank account...and I told her I am going to do thst one time...th threat was I will make your life living helll...I will call the cops on you and tell them that you are abusing me.
2) she said I don't have friends...My friends are mine...she has school firends that she goes out with (allowing herself to do that and I am not allowed)..when I ask...."you can't be trusted...if you don't like it leave).
3) I am forced into eating out wiht her...3 times in a week...major finiancial disaster...the reason is " I am not gonna go out eat out like a loser"...
4) I am not allowed to fast..as syamee food will not help lose weight ...that is a mandate by her if I want to live at home...many times she warns that she will not see any priest.
All these conflict confornations..I don't want my kids to see..don't know what to do
Dear miracleseek,
I hope you are telling the full story. I feel like you are giving a one-sided account of these events. You still have not answered my question of why she is doing this? What is provoking this irrational behavior?
1) I think you are going about this in the wrong way. There is no need to threaten your wife with calling the cops, etc. This is how you lose someone's trust and love. If your safety and that of your children's is not in danger, keep these problems at home and in the church
On a side note: if you are going to make a threat you better follow through on it. If you don't you have lost all credibility and respect.
2) Stop being so submissive, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with your friends. You are a grown man who can decide who to hang out with. You make it seem as if she is speaking with a child.
3) You keep on saying you are forced. Is a gun being pointed at your head? Are you being dragged to the restaurant against your will? I think not. Put your foot down when you don't want to do something. She may have a tantrum - but at least you establish some authority.
4) Again, what do you mean you are not allowed? Do she pull the falafel sandwich out of your hand and replace it with a piece of chicken? Satan tries to stop us from fasting as well, shall I tell my Lord?: "he (the evil one) did not allow me"
5) Seeing a priest as often as you can is crucial. What I offer is weak WORLDLY advice because I lack the fruits of the Spirit. I think Remnkemi is correct in that you should pursue help from the church and Bishop Paula.
May God give you strength, wisdom and peace.
It is not my intention to bring miracleseek down at all. On the contrary, I think he is showing restraint. But God may allow all of this to happen for each of us to examine how we respond to the calamaties and sufferings the devil brings on us.
God help you and be with you, miracleseek. If you truly are seeking a miracle, go to Bishop Paula or any of the clergy, no matter what your wife says or does to you.
Umm. Is Unworthy1 in post #23 the same Unworthy1 in post #22? Everything you wrote in post #23 is what I was getting to when I said it raised red flags.
Have I contradicted myself? I disagree with you wanting to shut down this thread because you said he was calling his wife names and merely complaining whilst all we could do was pray. I don't think that is all he is doing and I don't think that is all we can do. At the very least, like you said, we can encourage him to seek his FoC's guidance.
Post #23, as well as my original post, are based on the assumption that he is not telling a one-sided story. This is an error on my part. I should have showed restraint because I am in no position to offer advice when I do not know the full story. I hope I have not been an instrument of satan - but upon re-reading my posts it seems I might have been. Forgive me for this miracleseek, for it seems I have not done you good but a disservice.
Put your problems into the hands of God miracleseek and you will not be lead astray.
[quote author=miracleseek link=topic=11418.msg137825#msg137825 date=1305294950]
[quote author=Unworthy1 link=topic=11418.msg137795#msg137795 date=1305227709]
miracleseek,
May God grant you wisdom and patience.
You must find out WHY your wife is doing all of this. This is critical in finding the solution. You have listed all the problems and all the horrible things she has done. But what is the underlying issue. Why doesn't she want you to see your friends? Why does she feel like she is a princess? Why does she do all the other things you listed?
On a side note - you are not alone in this. Many people become abused by their spouses - surprisingly many of them are women abusers.
Your situation is not the only one in the world and you will overcome it, with God's grace.
It seems to me that this has been going on for a while and that you have let it grow out of control. It must have started with minor things but evolved over time. However, we cannot dwell on the past and say that you could have stopped it while it was a 'small' problem. No problem is too big for our Lord.
The main thing lacking in this relationship is respect. Your wife does not honor you. She does not see you as an autonomous individual.
So how do you gain this autonomy? How do you gain this respect?
You gain respect by REPEATEDLY making correct decisions. But in your case it seems you aren't making any decisions to begin with. That must change. You have to let her know that she has been making all the decisions and now you are in a financial mess. You must show her that you have lost respect for her and that she must try to gain that respect back, while also making her believe that you are the respected, autonomous head of the house.
You have to reverse everything.
The question arises again: How?
1) You must take control of the money supply. This is the key (in my opinion). Take away her credit card, cancel her cell-phone, etc. Whatever it takes show her that she is dependent on you. You pay the bills. You decide what you guys need and what you don't. You do the shopping. You buy the clothes, etc. Thus, when she needs something she must come to YOU.
Once this happens you have some leverage. Right now you have nothing. And when she comes to you asking for something, learn how to say "NO!" No matter how reasonable the request, say "no" a few times. Just to regain authority and dominance.
2) Rebuild the relationship with your friends and find her some friends or something that she is good at to do. She needs something to give her a sense of fulfillment.
3) Start building your relationship with her. Take her out once in a while. Make these outings special by doing them less often. I am not talking about once a month. Start of with once every two months. Why? Because things are more special when they are done less often. Once your relationship is healthy, then you can begin to go out more.
4) Start leading her to the church step by step. Watch religious shows, bring an abouna for a visit, participate in a church activity, take her to major feasts, then weekly, etc.
--Many of the things I have said might be counter-intuitive but I believe they will help. As my father of confession always tells me (although I am not married): "When you have a family, if you are married, you should be 3 because Christ is in you midst. And if you have a child, you should be 4, because Christ is in your midst. All marital problems are essentially spiritual problems. Grow spiritually and build your kids up spiritually and she will follow suit.
God be with you.
Thanks for your encouraginf words.
1) We have a joint bank account...and I told her I am going to do thst one time...th threat was I will make your life living helll...I will call the cops on you and tell them that you are abusing me.
2) she said I don't have friends...My friends are mine...she has school firends that she goes out with (allowing herself to do that and I am not allowed)..when I ask...."you can't be trusted...if you don't like it leave).
3) I am forced into eating out wiht her...3 times in a week...major finiancial disaster...the reason is " I am not gonna go out eat out like a loser"...
4) I am not allowed to fast..as syamee food will not help lose weight ...that is a mandate by her if I want to live at home...many times she warns that she will not see any priest.
All these conflict confornations..I don't want my kids to see..don't know what to do
Dear miracleseek,
I hope you are telling the full story. I feel like you are giving a one-sided account of these events. You still have not answered my question of why she is doing this? What is provoking this irrational behavior?
1) I think you are going about this in the wrong way. There is no need to threaten your wife with calling the cops, etc. This is how you lose someone's trust and love. If your safety and that of your children's is not in danger, keep these problems at home and in the church
On a side note: if you are going to make a threat you better follow through on it. If you don't you have lost all credibility and respect.
2) Stop being so submissive, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with your friends. You are a grown man who can decide who to hang out with. You make it seem as if she is speaking with a child.
3) You keep on saying you are forced. Is a gun being pointed at your head? Are you being dragged to the restaurant against your will? I think not. Put your foot down when you don't want to do something. She may have a tantrum - but at least you establish some authority.
4) Again, what do you mean you are not allowed? Do she pull the falafel sandwich out of your hand and replace it with a piece of chicken? Satan tries to stop us from fasting as well, shall I tell my Lord?: "he (the evil one) did not allow me"
5) Seeing a priest as often as you can is crucial. What I offer is weak WORLDLY advice because I lack the fruits of the Spirit. I think Remnkemi is correct in that you should pursue help from the church and Bishop Paula.
May God give you strength, wisdom and peace.
Thanks again for your concern.
The irrationality is coming from the fact that she needs to be the center of attention all the time..."You are not to have a different social life than mine"...that was said to me time and time..and if I try to resist it...."you are putting your friends before me"...she was in 2 previous engagaments before...that might be the reason ..I asked her time and time again..pschyatric help could do wonders...her response is "I have studied all that and it doesn't work"...this is off course in her career as a teacher.
1) One time ..we were moving...the night before we were moving my best friend called to congratulate me on the new apartment...I forgot to tell her that...she checked the phone and then she accused me of lying...and she decided we are not moving..forced confined at home tried to get her out of my way as movers and funiture are coming...she kept on pulling me back...in order not to phsical esclate the situtation I have called the cops to get me out...the consequences were not great..emotionally and fiinacially....since then I leaarned my lesson..but have made the mistake of continuing on and listnenting to the priest saying.."Kids will change everything"..still my mistake and I am the one to blame.
2) If I will hang out with friends ..I will come home and see my important work and tax documents ripped to shreeds...my cloth on the garage and I have to hand over my cell phone or else I will be pushed and shoved...I am talking form experience...
3) if we don't go out to eat on a place of her choose...same as above will happen ..causing confusing scenes for the little ones..
4) she actually took the food one time and threw it in the garabage...and one time she was upset in the car she took the food and threw it from the window.
5) I am seeking help from the priests ...but three already told me...they can't interfere if she doesn't want to...they can only pray...
My request from anybody in this thread.
a) the contacts of the bishop.
b) I believe psychatric help is needed...the problem she can't admit to it...how to get her to accept it
c) Child psychology...which way is better for the children...growing up seeing their father verbally abused and has to be submissive ...or living with the mother (it is north america...and I know who the women's rights always blind the legal system.)
Thanks
your kids love you. stay with them. they will learn more good than bad things.
I still think it's jealousy. Jealousy isn't only competative but also posessive. It can be very protective of the things people own, or think they own. They won't share what they have, as others share in what they have.
You're such a good man and I think she has got what she wants. You still have to be assertive in what you do and say. Not aggressive. Asssertive people know what they want and are fair in going about what they do. Aggressive people aren't fair.
Suffering is something we learn from. It is edifying. But after the suffing there's the resurrection. You are strong in your suffering so I believe GOD has given you an understanding in much love. Abide with him and your family.
GOD bless you.
Thanks