I know im smarter than this but I have reached a deplorable situation which is that I am sometimes ready to sacrifice my sins but I think to myself what about tommorow. I just want certain things in life and I don't want unnecessary resistance which is perhaps mental counseling from the enemy. I don't want hell to get just something small because I feel that should only come for greater things. I feel angry if I trusted God for one day and He lets me sin the next day because I have great goals. I don't need guilt and constant doubt. In such a state I am so afflicted I sometimes throw stones at trees
Part of me wants to be set free but I don't know if I will abide. I guess I don't want to be thought of as a saint walking the narrow way. Otherwise I will get angry if people don't respect my saintly ways
I did not know if you can even help me but even if you could I guess I didn't want to give any of the glory to you because I wanted you guys to respect me and I can't keep coming here for everything. I should see only my FOC but I reach a mental blank when I go to see him
I posted this because I thought of sinning just now..
Comments
should see only my FOC but I reach a mental blank when I go to see him
Beloved user157,
It's easy - just tell your FOC that you get a mental blank. He is there to guide you.
God bless
I know it is humility that sets us free "For God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble"
Which is more humble seeing a priest or talking here?
I have not and hopefully will never go into any shameful details here so whats wrong about talking here
not that I have any shameful details this time
I think most people who see me think I am weird. They won't press me to have me say something because they think I am too dumb or sick to have any words to say
so my priest concludes with matleesh. They don't think that there is any problem with me that can be healed with a meeting or advice they think I should just try harder next time. Men are not interested in getting into emotions and probably priests are sick of dealing with emotions since they don't want to deal with emotions of girls as it may be risky
But I remember my FOC kept asking me do you have anything else to say? and I said no so maybe I am wrong. I did not know though if he can handle my weirdness or if satan will mess up my confession
A new issue is I don't want to give other christians doubt that they can reach heaven one day by building their own relationship with Christ. I don't want to be a stumbling block. Perhaps that should not be my responsibility. It is not my place to pretend to witness the true way as if I have seen a vision with God. Let them find their way to Christ's church through God another way if there is one only way and very small remnant which is an unreasonable requirement to those who feel drawn to believe God is loving
I will not put unnecessary afflictions on myself in my relation with the world
But God should take care of me as I plan to involve myself with the Church
tell him there are things you find hard to talk about because you are afraid he will think you are weird.
we are all a little bit weird, each in our own way, but God loves us all.
You said that God "lets you sin the next day" Can you elaborate a little further? God gave you free will. YOU let yourself sin. I think you're putting a little too much blame on God. The life of a true Christian requires constant sacrifice of bodily desire.
Don't let the devil get to you saying that you "need to relax" or "be set free"
Pray for me.
The life of a true Christian requires constant sacrifice of bodily desire.
Don't let the devil get to you saying that you "need to relax" or "be set free"
Pray for me.
I don't mean to sound cold and arrogant, but peter nailed it.
I must endure the dark night of when God allows me to feel hopelessness and fear for not fulfilling my responsibilities and fear of not fulfilling them
From HH Pope Shenouda http://tasbeha.org/content/hh_books/Exprncs/index.html
stay blessed,
habte selassie
I know this reply is late (& way too long), but i just saw your post and figure you/someone might benefit from some further insight a wise priest once gave me on this subject, namely, on why "i felt angry if i trusted God for one day and He lets me sin the next day..."
First of all, be assured that you're not alone in the internal conflict you're experiencing, and that EVERY drop of love you have for God/Christ along with EVERY drop of effort you exert to seek/follow Him during such hard/confusing times is more precious in His sight than you can imagine & WILL be rewarded by Him - not only in eternity, but here too in the form of grace, peace, strength and light on your path!
Having said that, here are a few points to consider (from that wise priest) as we struggle with our feelings of being "let down" by God (i.e. God giving grace/victory in your spiritual battles on one day and then "letting you sin" the next):
1. The source of anger toward God in this case is false/misplaced pride. We start feeling let down because we have mistaken ideas & expectations about ourself/our capabilities, about God & God's love for us and about how these relate to sin and our body's earthly lust for it. Somewhere deep inside us, we are still holding an (inaccurate) image of ourself as a saint and/or as someone "stronger than before," "more advanced," or "victorious," which leads us to distance ourselves from God (which is the essence of sin) by adopting thoughts, speech and/or actions that are foreign to His goodness and unfit for His presence.
Once we recognize and come to accept our human limitations along with God's absolute superior wisdom, it becomes easier to understand that He NEVER works against our benefit/happiness and that any urge to be angry with Him ought to be quickly directed somewhere else (i.e. at the sin itself or its bearer, or at our own negligence in fleeing/fighting temptation as we ought, etc.).
2. If left unchecked/unexamined (& not guarded by our embrace of those time-tested-and-proven Sacraments/"spiritual means" passed down by Christ/fathers/saints), such misplaced pride would gradually (or quickly) consume our hearts & minds, and cover our souls with darkness/confusion so as to eventually blind us entirely to God's love for us. (This happens to explain the ever-declining state of popular culture, etc...)
3.Thankfully, our heavenly Father never abandons us to such blinding pride and its hidden vices for long (certainly not for those who call on Him), but instead He gave us His Holy Spirit to enlighten and gradually purify our mind, body and soul of all earthly passions and corruption (keyword = gradually). It is the awesome and invisible work of the Holy Spirit to GENTLY expose our errors, correct/guide our path, refresh/renew our spirit and to ultimately sanctify our souls so that we are eventually restored to our true/original self, which is to be united with the uncorrupted image of God in Christ.
It is this same Holy Spirit clearly at work in your life, Who led you to learn/recall that "God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble," so you would both realize that your restlessness was provoked by an unhealthy/self-destructive pride and then also become aware that "it is humility that sets us free."
4. Note that the completion of this divine work is not accomplished overnight, but over the course of a lifetime and in combination with a human's free will, which can choose to either actively "fight the good fight" (by seeking the Holy Spirit patiently and diligently until the spirit is liberated and all carnal desires are brought under submission to the human will) - or we can choose to not actively seek the Holy Spirit and thereby surrender our spirit to be enslaved by the fleeting earthly desires and insatiable bodily lusts that characterize our temporary human flesh and plague our tormented soul. Note that the former will find unspeakable peace/rest & deep joy that will come to sweeten their arduous path to eventual freedom, while the latter will grow more and more restless and eventually arrive at despair - as they exhaust themselves seeking to satisfy short-lived desires which only grow more insatiable when fed.
and fiiinally (sorry) 5. Last but far from least, we should remind ourselves that we will not be held accountable for how many times we fell into temptation, but rather for why we did not repent & accept the gift of the Holy Spirit given to us by Christ in the Sacrament of Confession (which indeed requires confessing directly to a priest, who has been given heavenly authority to absolve you). This is a great mystery filled with divine power that will bring vital nourishment to your soul and enlighten your mind if you approach it sincerely with faith. Given its importance, i'll address some points you made regarding your experience with Confession in the past in a different post, since this one is way too long already! In the meantime, take some quiet time alone in front of God (DAILY and/or as much as possible) and ask Christ to give you courage regarding this matter and to instruct you on how to conduct spiritual warfare in a manner that pleases Him.
Ultimately, it is the process of SEEKING repentance and fighting to get up as fast as possible each time we fall that should be the focus of our attention more than the inevitable fact that we were permitted to fall in the first place - since this we must come to recognize is/was permitted for our overall gain, not loss (if we're indeed fighting the good fight). "Even if you fall one thousand times because of the withdrawal of God's grace, rise up again each time, and keep doing this until the day of your death." (John of Karpathos)
As such, don't be discouraged! Consider your situation as an open invitation from Christ for you to discover a deeper understanding of His love & gain more awareness of your own identity/purpose through experiencing His Sacraments more fully.
DO NOT be deceived to focus on your failures & weaknesses, and instead shift your gaze up to explore the Kingdom of Heaven and its power (i.e. look at the lives of the saints). Actively shake off any negative assumptions you have about Christ and the Church from past experience and try to prepare your mind to be surprised. Make the sign of the Cross (which has real and effective power when done with faith/hope), open the Gospels (perhaps start with John), ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten the eyes of your mind & heart, and then start reading as if it's the first time you've ever seen it. If you make this a habit combined with sincere daily communication with God (prayer), you will enjoy rest for your soul in a way that nothing else on earth can ever bring and discover a bottomless source of hope & strength immediately within your reach at all times.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1)
Please pray for me.