God always wants us to be obedient

I am not blaming God but people insist that all my choices are foolish and I am not doing God's will. I.e my family and other authorities such as you
I have to lose weight I have to study I have to eat healthy go to the gym I have to fast I have to take communion I have to work hard at a job to make money I have to learn to socialise I must gain skills if I am not working...I have to cast out all the intruding thoughts by prayer etc.. but I do not desire to be led by God. It is a narrow way. I want to trust my own way because I can't struggle with doubts in myself  I am willing to trust myself I am a visible person. I am tired of crying before God because of my struggles. I stopped crying a long time ago. I will not have God delay in answering me.
Noone cared about my spiritual life people in church only liked to be with those who play sports rather than people who wander off into a bush to pray. And then is trivia night when I look like a bad example of the christian life

I truly do not fast because then I will blame God if I suffer because of it. But now I can only blame myself as I see people who do not fast who are successful and I would be content with their success.

I guess I am not living a life led by God I want happiness now because I don't trust God will protect me from sickness and when I am sick I want to remember the good times I had.

I really want to be obedient now I can do important stuff first and then take a break when it is necessary.

Now I want to talk about solitude or monasticism. I truly believe those who overcome as a monk will gain indescribable peace. No passions only love. However I lost faith in monasticism as I see people become sick when they are monks and I constantly got sick when I used to seek my salvation with fear all the day. I would like to struggle hard as a monk with prayers and fasting and all that I can do but it seems God has not provided for that way or people would not become sick. God should make monks feel happy in that way. He should give something similar to the breaks worldly people have. I would like to say as far as visions of Christ but that is asking too much. I wish I could once have a dream or vision about Jesus

Also this life is so short what will anyone accomplish as a monk? Solomon says there is nothing better than for a man to work and enjoy the fruits of their labor

I really need God to be very close without leaving me at all if I become a monk which I am not going to be ofcourse. I would like to look up to this way of life but I just feel the demons of despair kill most

where is the proof that monks have chosen a life much more aware of God and the world? where is the joy of tasting closerness to Christ when overcoming a war? where is seeing their prayers answered?

It was very hard finding a quiet place to pray where noone is people always pass by... and I was becoming a maniac in the eyes of my family. I wept in the park at night when I was in heavy despair because of a spiritual struggle. I like to pray loud but then family wonders what I am doing. I read the bible with all seriousness trying to learn to be saved terrified of not doing works to please God terrified of being the foolish virgin and praying with weeping for my families salvation my dad not hearing me but him stopping me from reading the bible too much he tells me the narrow way to life is simply finding Jesus. Works are the result of being saved to him. He called me lazy avoiding my studies