I don't know where to start or how exactly I should say this, but I am desperate for help, and I hope you don't judge me for what I am going to write because I already know its all wrong from the very beginning but I am seeking opinions on how to overcome this problem.
I am a 22-year-old girl that fell in love with a guy that is not a Christian (Egyptian Muslim) in my younger years. Obviously, I didn't intend for this to happen nor in my mind would have thought this would get this far, but I, unfortunately, I guess I did not protect my heart. This all occurred normally as friends with no intention of ever feeling anything for each other. However, that all changed and we ended up loving each other. I know this may seem very bad and I know you can't trust an Egyptian guy and a Muslim, because we all know how most of them act and what their intentions are. However, we have known each other for 5 years now, a lot of people would straight up call this person a liar and who is just playing with my feelings or wants to convert me, but if that was so I would have never ever stayed or loved a person for this long. After a while our feelings got stronger and deeper to the point where I had to wake up to reality, he wanted us to be together forever. I am not going to lie, I also wanted that because, despite our religious differences, we never looked at that because our feelings were stronger than that and we reached a high point of honesty with each other, so we both felt like nothing mattered as long as we loved each other.
Of course, some of you may ask where was my mind, where was God in your mind in this whole situation. Before I met him, I was a 'Christian' by name and it did not worry me at this point, I thought I was perfectly fine. However, a year after we met, that all changed, I gave and committed my life to God for the first time, and I was not a 'Christian' for the sake of it anymore. God changed my view on life, my thinking, my actions, turning away from my evil sins, and hating sin and worldly desires with a passion. At this point, I loved God and all I wanted is to live my life the way God wants it. However, despite repenting and changing, I was already too deep with this relationship and the feelings I had for him, thus felt that I couldn't let go. I felt God talking to my conscious every day telling me to wake up and walk away. Therefore, I knew that I had to let him go, but words are easy to say, but doing it killed me. He was the only person I felt that was like me, we shared so much in common, everything just worked, we knew each other like an open book, he was someone I didn't want to let go. Even if we couldn't be together I wanted him to at least be present somewhere in my life, or even be my friend though that won't ever be the case, I just didn't want to lose him as a person, he was a really good person.
To make things short, I did try to leave several times, but in the end, we would come back to each other and I would give him false hope and tell him it will work out in the end. However, I only said that because of my weakness, because I didn't want to leave him again and I couldn't stand to the fact that I had to leave to leave him soon, it's like I was buying some time so that I may be with him a bit more. During these years they were like hell, it was a constant inner war with myself. I would pick a day that I will leave him on and would start to count the days till that time comes, and then I would extend, and extend, and in the end keep giving false hope and promises because I was just too weak to let it all go. With all this happening I started hating myself, I start seeing the person I loved as a sin, I wanted to get out of this, but every time I left, I got dragged in further and further.
When I chose to leave him, I left because I chose God's love over a man's love for me, but taking this step was never easy for me. After several attempts, I decided to end it once and for all, so I sent him a message and blocked and deleted everything of him in my life. After this, I gave my broken heart to God 100%, I ran to God to help me through this and to make me better. I thought that this person I saw as a sin and this love I saw as a sin would make me feel free from the problems I had faced, and I thought I would feel God with me even more than before since I re-committed my life to him even more. But, it didn't, through this long period of no talking I became severely depressed, I lived every day reconstructing the memories I had with him, I think I even became crazy because I could not sleep until the sun rose, I cried for days and months every night by myself even I would cry randomly, everything that reminded me of him broke me and made me cry even more. However, with all these emotional problems I prayed to God every day to help me because I was dying internally for someone I couldn't even be with, I just wanted to be healed and forgiven for my great mistake.
After all these months, without talking and no contact, I decided to send him a message on his birthday, with no intention of sending more than that message or going back to how we used to be. But of course, it was a bad idea, the heart is stupid should have followed my mind. So, the several months of controlling my feelings and trying to 'forget' all vanished, I felt like I was at home again, and of course, 3 months later we are back to the situation I tried to get out of, and I am currently up to the stage of sending him another message and leaving him for good no matter how much it hurts (I send a message because I know if I call or see him, I will be weak and will delay my leaving).
My problem right now is I have no idea how I am going to do this again, and go through this pain again, and focus on my studies with this great depression I have and that will be coming after this. I am going crazy, gebt akhri bgd, someone help me, these feelings are killing me, I want to end this but it kills me actually do it again. Please help me, I know this is very long, but someone tell me how to get this finished once and for all and not feel pain anymore, I am not looking forward to the next few months of waga3 alb :(
I know I have made a very big mistake, I know everyone reading is going to blame me for this, but I really want to finish this but I can't find the courage to do so
Thanks for reading.
Comments
You don't need help because you defended yourself very well, preempted what anyone could say by: don't judge me. It's not about judging you, you are just being defensive because you are not keen on hearing tough words.
OK, you should taste eternal life.. it's narrow a road and it's sour. But you don't want to, do you? You have a void in your emotional life and that is not a good start with God or the church. You just have to fill yourself up by Christianity in every way. Till then you are not Christian.
Go serve, or attend liturgies and tasbeha, and don't do that again..
Oujai
Ask St Monica, mother of St Augustine, for her help and prayers. She had to deal with her heart breaking so many times, but she lived long enough to see her son repent and become a champion of orthodoxy.
Dinami,
There are a few things I'd like to point out.
First, judging in itself is not a problem or wrong. We are called to judge everything. The problem is irrational or hypocritical judging. In John 7:4, Jesus tells us "Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly." What then is correct judgment? It is two parts: 1. Judging without partiality or hypocrisy (Deut 1:17, 2 Chron 19:6, Job 13:10, Mat 7:1, and Jam 2) and 2. Judging within the framework of sound doctrine (1 Tim 1:10, 2 Tim 4:3, Tit 1:9). St Paul writes "Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." Egyptians (and really all ethnicities) may be known to judge and act by biases and stereotypes and partiality, but does any of it follow sound doctrine? Even if someone judges you in their own hypocritical frame of mind, let it bring you to sound doctrine and let God deal with them for breaking his commandments. This is what Job did.
Now in regard to your own situation, let me start by stating that you should consider the following verse from 2 Cor 10:7. "You are judging by appearances. If anyone is confident that they belong to Christ, they should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as they do."
It really doesn’t matter that the issue is falling in love with a Muslim. It is no different than those who suffer from any sin, whether it is homosexuality, pornography, masturbation, adultery, drug and alcohol addiction, uncontrollable anger, inability to forgive, inability to connect to people or simply the inability to pray to God. We all have fallen short of the glory of God. Even the most famous saints suffered trying to control or work with broken feelings. There is a story of St Francis of Assisi who we are told “desired to go to the city”. Some have understood this to mean that he suffered from some sort of sexual attraction or that he lusted for a woman in the city. Yet, somehow he was able to defeat this demonic trap and became one of the most famous saints. My point is you should be confident that you belong to Christ as much as St Francis did or any other saint. Once you realize the magnitude of this point, you will see that you have accomplished something through God’s grace that many have not been able to. Thus when you say, “I know I have made a very big mistake, I know everyone reading is going to blame me for this, but I really want to finish this but I can't find the courage to do so”, you don’t realize that everyone is not going to blame you at all. Rather we are encouraged by your courage and desire “to belong to Christ” even though you are conflicted. In essence, this is exactly what St Francis did.
Now I don’t know you or this person. But if you have any inclination that this relationship will take you away from sound Christian doctrine, then acknowledge the red flags and run away for good.
But of course, man does not act on logic and reason. Our emotions guide our actions. (This is a good thing. It is how God designed us because if used correctly our emotions give us an unimaginable connection to God that logic, reason and science can’t explain.) So how do we control our emotions when our emotions lead us to sin?
I can only tell you what I did. When I had a serious problem that caused a void in my heart, I decided to fill that void with 2 things, hymns and reading the Sayings of the Desert Fathers. This led me to a story about Apa Onophorius (Anba Nopher is his Coptic name). Once, the devil entered his heart and he desired to leave the monastic life to have a wife. He continued to pray but God did not remove this desire from him. So he made two life size figures, one to resemble a wife and one to resemble a son. And he told himself, “Ok Onophorius, since you now have a wife and a son, you must work to provide for them.” So he worked harder to weave baskets and make money for his family. And he realized that this did not take away the desire. So he spent more time fasting and prayer, while he was “working multiple jobs” to provide for his imaginary family. None of this changed his desire. Then one day, after his long prayers he looked at his imaginary family and no longer desired to leave the monastery.” In other words, he did everything he should have done. He increased his ascesis, his humility and his fasting so the devil could not get a stronger hold on him. But in the end, God filled the void his heart and the problem just went away. As I read the story, and as I realized how much I loved praising God in hymns, I no longer desired the thing that was taking me away from Christ. I simply woke up one day and the problem was gone. This can only happen by God’s grace. When God wants to resolve your problem, he will and your emotions will be at rest.
Well done. We trust in you and you won't go back to such a sin like a dog to its vomit or a clean pig to the impure dirt.. you know what I mean.. sorry I can't translate it in proper English!
God be with you and pray hard.. and please also mention me and my wife in your prayers..
Oujai