Okay so last night i was at a party with a couple of my friends, and they were all drunk and i was not, i was just there. Except for this one girl who was also there from before that was not drunk also. Me and this girl are good friends and we knew each other from before. On this night we were all in my friends room and we were just laying in his bed laughing and making jokes (all of us). Then i went to go sit on his floor, and suddenly i dont quite remember how
[Moderated: The poster has committed a sexual sin, the details have been removed]
I really REALLY am going crazy, and randomly when i think about what i did i go crazy, my mind just gets black and i start getting angry and upset. I am the biggest contradiction on earth....I know so much about the church, i know so much alhan, i go to any service there is at church, and i still go out and do this? it doesnt make sense to me.
All i am asking is what can i do, i cant take communion, i cant go to liturgy, and i cant step into church. Not untill i have taken confession. And even still i know that when i take confession i will still feel just as dirty. Please PLEASEE someone help me i am lost, and i have no clue as to what i am doing anymore because i cant live my life as a contradiction anymore, i cant. I want to cry sometimes but i just cant i dont know why.
I know this is a long post, but please someone bear with me. I am a horrible person and all i am asking for is 5 minutes of your time to help me. Thanks in advance
Comments
Also, be careful not to allow any guilt or shame or anything else you're feeling because of this to inhibit your relationship with God, as unbearable as it may be at times. Don't let it keep you from praying or doing any of the other things you do to maintain your relationship with Him, because it is pretty much a given that the devil will use that as a ploy to get you away from the church.
Please Father take care of our brother and have mercy upon him and guide him to your rest. Amen.
I will quote from a book of the Coptic calender I get every year, I love the quotes from the fathers, it doesn't always say which father, but that's ok.
"When you fear people, you start hiding things, and this leads to hypocrisy. When you fear GOD alone, you need no one else; and you can boldly witness for Christ."
For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be knowen. Luke 12:2
We should not fear people but GOD only. When we sin, alot of the time we fear people; what they think and so on.
I would like to make a point about maturity. It was mentioned previously about human nature being the reason for contradiction. I myself feel this is a cop-out as we can make decisions on what we can do and not do. If we're always being obedient since we were young because of our love to GOD and parents then our decisions are very easy. Our parents aren't always right but generally they want what is best for you.
What GOD is doing for us is for our edification; that is to teach us how to morally improve ourselves.
For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man. Able also to bridle the whole body.
Indeed, we put bits in horses mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. James 3:2-3
So I guess, how do we make decisions that go against how we feel when they're contradicting each other? What we're aiming for is a good conscience, since your conscience relates to how you feel and your decision making. You know when you have a bad conscience and you feel as though you are making a wrong decision. So if you're going to be obedient against a sin then don't you consciously say "no" to yourselve?
But above all, my brethen,do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes" be "Yes, and your "No," No," lest you fall into judgment. James 5: 12.
I pray for you that you are able to overcome the difficultly of fighting sin and that our Lord Jesus Christ gives you the wisdom to protect yourselve in what you share with other people.
Identify the wrong in the situation;
Feel remorse;
Present the sin to the priest;
Do penance;
Present for the Eucharist.
Contrast the hopelessness of Judas vs. the previous steps as they related to St. Peter.
There is nothing beyond the Mercy of God, as long as we reach for It [His Mercy].
I would like to make a point about maturity. It was mentioned previously about human nature being the reason for contradiction. I myself feel this is a cop-out as we can make decisions on what we can do and not do. If we're always being obedient since we were young because of our love to GOD and parents then our decisions are very easy.
I was saying that simply based on observations on the people I come in contact with, not as a justification for wrong-doing. I agree with everything you've said, but I think that contradicting nature is certainly there.
"Saint Anthony saw the traps that were laid down by the devils, so he threw himself on the ground before God and cried out saying, 'Lord, who can be saved from these traps?' Then he heard a voice saying, 'the humble shall be saved from them. '"
All in all, how do i come to this point of repentance where i feel as if i truly repented...how can i come to this point, during prayer, when i cry because of this sin. How do i ask for forgiveness; i feel like i have done this so many times that it just becomes routine...When i think about this sin outside of church i get very upset, and i become very distraught. But during prayer, during my metonias i do not feel anything. I feel like its okay, i feel no type of remorse except for the remorse i force upon myself. How can i make my metonias meaningful, i already bury my face into the ground repeating "my Lord Jesus Christ have mercy upon me a sinner". And yet they do not feel meaningful.
please pray for me.
Just a couple Sundays ago our Abouna was talking about repentance. He said the first step is to believe that he loves you more than you're capable of loving at all. You must be firm in that conviction, because it is true. God made himself a HUMAN and DIED FOR YOU. When you pray, just let your heart do the talking. Clearly, you have a desire to rid yourself of this sin. Just be frank about it- tell Him how you feel and how you want it gone, because it's only through His guidance that that will happen.
True repentance is to sum it up reversing your tracks (ie. doing a 180). True repentance is where you feel remorse that you have upset the Perfect God who has not ceased to care for you nor to love you with his limitless love. It is hard to describe in all honesty. I think the best thing to do is to be honest with God and pour out everything before Him. If you don't know how to repent, ask Him that He may teach you.
Also Look at the example of King David's repentance:
Psalm 6
1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
2 Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
3 My soul also is greatly troubled;
But You, O LORD—how long?
4 Return, O LORD, deliver me!
Oh, save me for Your mercies’ sake!
5 For in death there is no remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give You thanks?
6 I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim;
I drench my couch with my tears.
7 My eye wastes away because of grief;
It grows old because of all my enemies.
8 Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity;
For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my supplication;
The LORD will receive my prayer.
10 Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled;
Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly.
Also look at Psalm 50(51 in the NKJV). It is a Psalm of David after Nathan went to him.
I would just like to quote some people:
"God is merciful before a fall, inexorable after - so the demons say."
The Ladder of Divine Ascent (by John Climacus)
This means that God the almighty is ALL merciful BEFORE & AFTER a fall.
"Be courageous in God, and do not get desperate… Do not get desperate however powerful the wars of the devil are. [b]Do not get desperate[/b] no matter how many times you fall and forget the commandments and fail in your practices. ...Say to yourself, “...Even If I fall a hundred times on the way, I shall rise and proceed on my way… I shall never accept despair because it is from the devil.”
Diabolic Wars (by H.H. Pope Shenouda lll)
I strongly recomend, a short read, the book "Return to God" by H.H Pope Shenouda http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/node/35 (you can even download it).
This book REALLY helped me, just try reading it with depth, zeal and emotion (ask God for these qualities, to help you return to him). I remember once H.H Pope Shenouda once during a sermon said that, God wants any excuse for us to return to him. Even if one tear falls out of our eyes, he quickly ceases it and uses it to facilitate our return to him. But i think your tear(s) have to be tears of repentance.
If you really don't have much time to read then just start reading from chapter 2. Chapter one speaks more about the seriousness & consequences of sin, but Chapter 2 deals with how WE REUTRN TO GOD, so that God can RETRUN TO US.
Please remember me in your prayers.
You have done that, and you seem very ready to confess and move on, as you seem in repentance. As others have said, nothing good can come from these types of parties. If we pray to God not to lead us into temptation, we likewise should not lead ourselves into places or situations of temptation, knowing our weakness.
God bless you and please never lose hope, nothing is so great or worth it as to keep us away from the Love of God and the warm, motherly embrace of the Church.
Pray for me.
My brother "The_worst",
OP = brother or sister?
[quote author=Chirsts' servant link=topic=10274.msg125368#msg125368 date=1293335770]
Hello
I would just like to quote some people:
"God is merciful before a fall, inexorable after - so the demons say."
The Ladder of Divine Ascent (by John Climacus)
This means that God the almighty is ALL merciful BEFORE & AFTER a fall.
"Be courageous in God, and do not get desperate… Do not get desperate however powerful the wars of the devil are. [b]Do not get desperate[/b] no matter how many times you fall and forget the commandments and fail in your practices. ...Say to yourself, “...Even If I fall a hundred times on the way, I shall rise and proceed on my way… I shall never accept despair because it is from the devil.”
Diabolic Wars (by H.H. Pope Shenouda lll)
I strongly recomend, a short read, the book "Return to God" by H.H Pope Shenouda http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/node/35 (you can even download it).
This book REALLY helped me, just try reading it with depth, zeal and emotion (ask God for these qualities, to help you return to him). I remember once H.H Pope Shenouda once during a sermon said that, God wants any excuse for us to return to him. Even if one tear falls out of our eyes, he quickly ceases it and uses it to facilitate our return to him. But i think your tear(s) have to be tears of repentance.
If you really don't have much time to read then just start reading from chapter 2. Chapter one speaks more about the seriousness & consequences of sin, but Chapter 2 deals with how WE REUTRN TO GOD, so that God can RETRUN TO US.
Please remember me in your prayers.
To be honest these quotes gave me that final push into self-forgiveness. Thank you so much.
Thank you user00 for the compliments, you are a beautiful person and i appreciate your time spent
Thank you anba bola for giving me tips and hints on how to repent. Pray that God gives me a true repentance and confession
Thank you George Mina Awad for relating my story to your own, and giving me advice from your experience.
Thank you servant33 for also relating my story to your own, and sharing with me the wonderful story. I hope i can see the traps that are set before me one day.
Thank you ilovesaintmark for giving me the basic steps into repentance, and giving me hope that God will have mercy.
Thank you Joshuaa for the special quotes from your calendar, and the courage you gave me -( We should not fear people but GOD only. When we sin, alot of the time we fear people; what they think and so on.)
Thank you geomike. First i would like to thank you for your prayer on the spot, i really REALLY was touched by it. And i would like to thank you for giving me the thought about being embarrassed now rather than judgment day.
A special thanks to +marmar+ for giving me private courage, and sympathy.
Thank you to everyone and i am sorry if i forgot someone or if i forgot to thank someone for something ( i tried to go for the main things). Thank you for your prayers, but please continue to pray for me.
May God help you and have mercy on you and all of us, and may He strengthen our self-control. Amen.
http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/Youth and Pure Living - HH Bishop Moussa.pdf
If you want to save it, then right click on the link and click "save target as" and you will be able to save it as a pdf.
God bless you.
Okay so last night i was at a party with a couple of my friends, and they were all drunk and i was not, i was just there. Except for this one girl who was also there from before that was not drunk also. Me and this girl are good friends and we knew each other from before. On this night we were all in my friends room and we were just laying in his bed laughing and making jokes (all of us). Then i went to go sit on his floor, and suddenly i dont quite remember how
[Moderated: The poster has committed a sexual sin, the details have been removed]
I really REALLY am going crazy, and randomly when i think about what i did i go crazy, my mind just gets black and i start getting angry and upset. I am the biggest contradiction on earth....I know so much about the church, i know so much alhan, i go to any service there is at church, and i still go out and do this? it doesnt make sense to me.
All i am asking is what can i do, i cant take communion, i cant go to liturgy, and i cant step into church. Not untill i have taken confession. And even still i know that when i take confession i will still feel just as dirty. Please PLEASEE someone help me i am lost, and i have no clue as to what i am doing anymore because i cant live my life as a contradiction anymore, i cant. I want to cry sometimes but i just cant i dont know why.
I know this is a long post, but please someone bear with me. I am a horrible person and all i am asking for is 5 minutes of your time to help me. Thanks in advance
I think the fact that you get angry and crazy with yourself shows that there is no contradiction in you. I was just mentioning in another thread that we all fall short of Holiness and need God's Grace to help us overcome sin.
What worries me is this:
Its good that you recognize your mistakes, and I feel you're going to repent and confess this (Its seems to me you have already done so).
However, because of your Christian background, and from your post, I cannot help but feel that you are going to have problems in forgiving yourself over this.
Take care, and God bless