Hello all,
I am literally at my wits end. I feel so lost and useless. I have a job where I work from home, and my income is essentially commission based. Ever since the financial crisis hit in 2008 my job and income has basically been non existent. We were living paycheck to paycheck but now it's even worse than that, there is no money coming in to draw a check, there is no money in the bank, the accounts are over drawn, the phone calls are nonstop. We made it through most of 2009 and 2010 due to the graciousness of my boss and a personal loan. And with the grace of God that was FULLY repaid a few months ago. My wife and I started praising God even louder saying Thank God finally!! We'll be able to save some instead of paying off the loan, we'll finally be able to move ahead with our lives and start to climb out of the hole. And of course as soon as the loan is paid, work gets worse than it was before, and we're back to no checks, phone calls, nothing in the bank, having to scrape together anything to make sure our child and us can eat, etc. etc.
It just feel like God hates me. Why can't he let his light shine through and us come out the other side? I've done so many Nidr to Meri Girgis, to Pope Kyrolos I pray, i beg Him for His mercy and i feel like i'm just sinking further and further... All I want is to take care of my family and i can't, we're so behind on car payments it's only a matter of time before they get taken away, then how will my wife get to her job, we lost our insurance because we couldn't pay it, this is a nightmare and it feels like God doesn't want us to get out of this. I beg Him and I beg Him and we're no where.
I know this is wrong to think, but God forgive me I don't know what else to think. Please pray that God lets us pass through this nightmare soon, i'm so tired of this life. I want better for my wife and baby, but I am just a failure and can't provide for them. I beg you please pray for me.
Peace be with you all.
Comments
Perisist in your prayers and the Lord will answer you in His own time.
Meditate on the parable of The Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31). I believe it can be edifying. St. John Chrysostom's On Wealth and Poverty provides a deep look at the parable. It completely changed my outlook on suffering and poverty in this life. I understand that you might not be in the mood to read but continue to pray and seek the prayers of the saints on your behalf.
"My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights."
+Proverbs 3:11-12
I know I cannot fully understand how tough this is for you, but stay strong, be sure that God never abandons his children. Read Isaiah 49, I think it is relevant in a beautiful way :)
Isaiah 49
1 “Listen, O coastlands, to Me,
And take heed, you peoples from afar!
The LORD has called Me from the womb;
From the matrix of My mother He has made mention of My name.
2 And He has made My mouth like a sharp sword;
In the shadow of His hand He has hidden Me,
And made Me a polished shaft;
In His quiver He has hidden Me.”
3 “ And He said to me,
‘ You are My servant, O Israel,
In whom I will be glorified.’
4 Then I said, ‘I have labored in vain,
I have spent my strength for nothing and in vain
Yet surely my just reward is with the LORD,
And my work with my God.’”
5 “ And now the LORD says,
Who formed Me from the womb to be His Servant,
To bring Jacob back to Him,
So that Israel is gathered to Him[a]
(For I shall be glorious in the eyes of the LORD,
And My God shall be My strength),
6 Indeed He says,
‘ It is too small a thing that You should be My Servant
To raise up the tribes of Jacob,
And to restore the preserved ones of Israel;
I will also give You as a light to the Gentiles,
That You should be My salvation to the ends of the earth.’”
7 Thus says the LORD,
The Redeemer of Israel, their Holy One,
To Him whom man despises,
To Him whom the nation abhors,
To the Servant of rulers:
“ Kings shall see and arise,
Princes also shall worship,
Because of the LORD who is faithful,
The Holy One of Israel;
And He has chosen You.”
8 Thus says the LORD:
“ In an acceptable time I have heard You,
And in the day of salvation I have helped You;
I will preserve You and give You
As a covenant to the people,
To restore the earth,
To cause them to inherit the desolate heritages;
9 That You may say to the prisoners, ‘Go forth,’
To those who are in darkness, ‘Show yourselves.’
“ They shall feed along the roads,
And their pastures shall be on all desolate heights.
10 They shall neither hunger nor thirst,
Neither heat nor sun shall strike them;
For He who has mercy on them will lead them,
Even by the springs of water He will guide them.
11 I will make each of My mountains a road,
And My highways shall be elevated.
12 Surely these shall come from afar;
Look! Those from the north and the west,
And these from the land of Sinim.”
13 Sing, O heavens!
Be joyful, O earth!
And break out in singing, O mountains!
For the LORD has comforted His people,
And will have mercy on His afflicted.
14 But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
And my Lord has forgotten me.”
15 “ Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
16 See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me.
17 Your sons[b] shall make haste;
Your destroyers and those who laid you waste
Shall go away from you.
18 Lift up your eyes, look around and see;
All these gather together and come to you.
As I live,” says the LORD,
“ You shall surely clothe yourselves with them all as an ornament,
And bind them on you as a bride does.
19 “ For your waste and desolate places,
And the land of your destruction,
Will even now be too small for the inhabitants;
And those who swallowed you up will be far away.
20 The children you will have,
After you have lost the others,
Will say again in your ears,
‘ The place is too small for me;
Give me a place where I may dwell.’
21 Then you will say in your heart,
‘ Who has begotten these for me,
Since I have lost my children and am desolate,
A captive, and wandering to and fro?
And who has brought these up?
There I was, left alone;
But these, where were they?’”
22 Thus says the Lord GOD:
“ Behold, I will lift My hand in an oath to the nations,
And set up My standard for the peoples;
They shall bring your sons in their arms,
And your daughters shall be carried on their shoulders;
23 Kings shall be your foster fathers,
And their queens your nursing mothers;
They shall bow down to you with their faces to the earth,
And lick up the dust of your feet.
Then you will know that I am the LORD,
For they shall not be ashamed who wait for Me.”
24 Shall the prey be taken from the mighty,
Or the captives of the righteous[c] be delivered?
25 But thus says the LORD:
“ Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken away,
And the prey of the terrible be delivered;
For I will contend with him who contends with you,
And I will save your children.
26 I will feed those who oppress you with their own flesh,
And they shall be drunk with their own blood as with sweet wine.
All flesh shall know
That I, the LORD, am your Savior,
And your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.”