Personal problem - Depression over failed relationship

DanieM

Hi everyone,

these last few weeks (apart from Pascha) I have been feeling extremely depressed and generally down.

3 weeks ago me and my girlfrend broke up, this was only a 6 month relationship but my only one in the last 5-6 years, so it meant a lot. We broke up mutually but it had to happen, as she was starting to push many personal problems on me (she drank a lot, and was very critical of my faith.)
So when we broke up I decided to completely sever all ties with her, deleting her number, email, facebook, untagging photos etc... I did do things such as keep in touch with some of her friends to check that she was OK, but apart from that we had no contact. She did get very upset about all of this, and sent me lots of quite abusive messages, emails and things, though me and others agreed that a complete severing of ties was best.

So... 3 weeks on and I feel awful, I am currently on painkillers (I had my wisdom teeth taken out 2 days ago) which may attribute to some of it, but I got in contact with my ex through a mutual friend, and she is completely past it all, and has no intention of meeting up with me or reconciling, which hurt a lot since until around a week ago she wanted to be together again (though I was busy with church things for Pascha so could not meet.) She even told me that she never wants to speak to me again, which hurt a lot.

generally due to this I feel massively depressed, and quite worthless. I am even having trouble concentrating on work and my prayers.
Does anyone have any advice?

ebnyasoo3

May the Lord help you and shine His light in your heart.

dzheremi

It's generally best to let sleeping dogs lie when it comes to past relationships, regardless of the type. If you recognize, as you say you do, that things had to end with this girl and it was a mutual thing, then you probably also recognize that no matter how much it hurts it really is best that you two not see each other again. She may be past it, or she may be putting on a brave front...whatever it is, don't waste time speculating and going over the past if you've already learned all you can from it. If there is more to learn, you can certainly do that away from her, as trying to rekindle things that ended for very good reasons is always a bad idea.

As for the depression, yes...that's naturally any time you lose a relationship that means something to you. Trust that the Lord will see you through it and it will get better. In the words of the Psalmist, the Lord heals the broken-hearted, and binds up all their fractures.

And so He does. You do your work (by staying away from what you know is bad for you) and let Him do His. Pray and ask for healing not only for yourself, but for this girl and anyone else who might be hurting from this situation. God will heal you all.

Joshuaa

Try not to judge her and be forgiving as this is flexible and gives her plenty of room to move, so she won't feel rejected.

andrew8345

[quote author=DanieM link=topic=11351.msg136888#msg136888 date=1304114538]
Hi everyone,

these last few weeks (apart from Pascha) I have been feeling extremely depressed and generally down.

3 weeks ago me and my girlfrend broke up, this was only a 6 month relationship but my only one in the last 5-6 years, so it meant a lot. We broke up mutually but it had to happen, as she was starting to push many personal problems on me (she drank a lot, and was very critical of my faith.)
So when we broke up I decided to completely sever all ties with her, deleting her number, email, facebook, untagging photos etc... I did do things such as keep in touch with some of her friends to check that she was OK, but apart from that we had no contact. She did get very upset about all of this, and sent me lots of quite abusive messages, emails and things, though me and others agreed that a complete severing of ties was best.

So... 3 weeks on and I feel awful, I am currently on painkillers (I had my wisdom teeth taken out 2 days ago) which may attribute to some of it, but I got in contact with my ex through a mutual friend, and she is completely past it all, and has no intention of meeting up with me or reconciling, which hurt a lot since until around a week ago she wanted to be together again (though I was busy with church things for Pascha so could not meet.) She even told me that she never wants to speak to me again, which hurt a lot.

generally due to this I feel massively depressed, and quite worthless. I am even having trouble concentrating on work and my prayers.
Does anyone have any advice?


If only we truly realized how much God loved us we would never feel depressed or worthless.

DanieM, please do not dwell on this past relationship and build the only relationship you should care about - that which is with our Lord. I know exactly how you are feeling to love and not be loved back hurts deeply.

As for this girl - I don't mean to be insensitive but seriously she doesn't seem worth chasing or worrying about.

I have said this before but I think it is worth repeating. Think of this broken relationship and the pain you are feeling as a type of your relationship with God. He reaches out to us and we reject him. We have problems and all we blame them on Him. He tries to speak to us by any means (a friend, a co-worker, etc. ) and we blow them off.

The parallel is so clear.

Sometimes when relationships break down and we are in despair it is the opportune time to restore the relationship which began in our baptism. We cannot serve two masters for either we will love one and hate the other, or we will be loyal to one and hate the other.

In this case, from what I have read, you were trying to serve two masters. Christ has allowed this depression in your life to prevent you from being depressed. Sounds contradictory, huh? But think about it. . .This is a blessing in disguise and soon you will learn that and praise God more than ever.

Stay steadfast in prayer and build your relationship with the Lord daily.

Also, going to the monastery for a weekend never hurts :)

God bless you, brother. Christ is risen from the dead!  

mabsoota

there is a monastery in scarborough. i haven't been yet, but they accept visitors and my friends who have been say it's cool.
focus all your energies on God, who clearly loves you much more than any human ever could. when you get married and things go through a bad period, then your relationship with God will give you hope and joy. also you experiences of how to deal with a difficult person will make you wiser and calmer.
of course it is normal to be upset, but pray more and go to extra church services if you can (to get hugs!) and, above all, don't go looking for another relationship on the 'rebound'.
God has everything under control and will give you the patience and the courage you need.

may you have a blessed time at church today (i am stuck at home coughing up some disgusting stuff, but hey, i have more time to go on orthodox websites!)

George_Mina_Awad

I've been through a similar situation. I think it's pretty clear what what you did in ending it was the right thing to do. The only thing is, it does get worse before it gets better. Don't allow yourself to dwell on those past days; that will do nothing but harm you. "Do not say, 'Why were the former days better than these?' For you do not inquire wisely concerning this." (Ecclesiastes 7:10). Also, whatever you do, do NOT let yourself get hooked on those painkillers or even think about taking an extra pill to alleviate the emotional pain. When it becomes more difficult to pray, that only means you should try harder. "Also, tribulation, by its nature, makes the soul closer to God." (H.H. Pope Shenouda III)

liftmyheart

Dear DanieM,

I know you are going through a hard time right now, and you're probably very lonely and depressed. There are already a lot of great things written here, but all I can do is add a little bit on.

I recently heard a sermon by Father Antony Messeh which addresses the topic of loneliness and depression, and in it I learned a couple of things that will help you through what you are going through. First of all, realize that the reason you are upset is due to change in your life, and due to some rejection.

You are upset because a portion of your life that you were used to, in this relationship, has left. You must realize, however, that when something leaves, another thing comes in. The "hole" is never left vacant. So, you must accept this change, and move forward with something to fill this hole that has been left. God has a path for all of us, so maybe this change was in order to create a better you. Maybe, now you can fill this "hole" with more spirituality and more love for God.

Next, you must take steps to overcome your depression and sadness. You have to occupy your time with things beneficial to you and your spirituality, such as volunteering, going to church, praying, or even completing some of your work.
This will help take your mind off of the depressing thoughts and will begin to fill the hole with positivity.
Next, you must forgive your ex-girlfriend and let go of all the hurt. You must also yourself seek forgiveness for whatever you have done. Let go of all the negative feelings between you, so that your life will be filled only with positivity.
The next step is to help others, which will certainly bring joy and happiness into your own life.

Finally, you must realize that no matter how lonely and how worthless you feel, the Lord is always with you, and that he always loves you. Find him, and find your happiness!

Lord Bless You!

Jeremiah 29:13-  "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

mabsoota

yes, lots of great advice here:
orthodoxsermons.org

the recent ones may be advertised but not yet uploaded, so go for the older ones.