Negative person issue

Qidus_Michael

God bless all of you

My dad, I love him very much he's a great father and I've never seen anyone work harder to provide and has always been there with his tough love and generous advice.
I just have a problem with him, he is very negative. He can turn any situation into a bad one, people don't want to spend time with him because he criticizes situations and people. He is one of those people who doesn't care who you are, if he  feels that you are wrong he will tell you. This is a good thing at times because you stand your ground but at times it is very unhelpful.

These kinds of situations happen ALL DAY for random things. When he comes home, we try to be on our best behavior and keep the house as clean and neat as possible to avoid any harsh words. Somehow he usually has something to complain about though, I am not exaggerating when I say this: about 60 to 70% or more of what he says is a complaint or a criticism about either me or my other siblings or my mom. As a result we do not choose on our own to spend time with him most of the time but if we do it is out of courtesy, when we have an issue we tell our mother. As the oldest, I feel like many things are my fault and  there is a sense of shame all of us have whenever we talk to him which I really feel is unnecessary feeling to have around family. I feel that I should be able to speak freely with him and not be afraid to mess up or dissapoint him.

My mother, and siblings and I are avid members of our church. We help in the Sunday School and travel for conferences. Our Spiritual lives first priority in our conversations and life in general. My father does not attend except perhaps Easter and doesn't understand how we have taken a liking to church. He doesn't forbid it but he wants us to focus on our academics more. We are not bad kids, people are always telling us how we are great and our parents are lucky but we aren't treated like we are worth much at home.

Again, I love my dad, to be honest I don't remember these kinds of things when I was younger but its becoming worst in the past 5-7 years or so. I'm not sure if its stresses from work trying to make ends meet or just unhappiness with himself. Have you heard of this kind of negative situation?? What do you think this is coming from?

Also can you give me advice on how to deal with this in a Christian way? I am a young woman (20's) and I am finding harder to deal with this, I feel that it is so unnecessary and I don't think we should have to quietly deal with it. If I bring it up with him calmly and rationally he will point out a flaw in me and not listen to what I have to say. Or he'll just be offended that we think we should have a talk about this. I really don't know what to do please help. In the mean time I'm praying about it.
God be with you all

mabsoota

hi, it's good that u care about this enough to try to help.
i have been married more than 10 years and i have been coptic for 3 years, so i have a bit of experience with people.
it seems like u would like to be close to yr dad, but actually u r not.

this is the first thing u need to accept. for as long as u expect more from him, he will not be able to give u more.
if he could, he would have done that already.
so the first step in relations with parents, siblings, friends, husbands, wives etc. is to accept them as they are; imperfect. u may also find that u r not perfect either.
i don't mean that u don't keep the house clean (u obviously do) or u don't make a big effort to get on with yr dad (u obviously do), but maybe u have other perfections like pride (i do!) or being too demanding of other people or of trying to get yr reward on earth (thanks, good relationships etc.) instead of in heaven (i only know 1 person who is not like this!)
so what i mean is u might have things to learn as well (like i do).

the second step is to imagine what it feels like to be yr dad. like, ask yourself how was his upbringing? was he allowed to show emotion? did he have to work like a slave and then not have the time to study or to get a better job? did he have to spend ages studying a foreign language to try and provide better jobs and education for his kids and then find they were much better at everything than he was, maybe even joking with him about his past?
does he find it hard to socialise and then find everyone else (it seems) has something funnier or more spiritual to say and he doesn't contribute much? these are all the sort of questions to ask yourself, i do not need the answers.
maybe he knows he is being mean (mean people usually do) and he feels bad but doesn't know how to change.
maybe the rest of the family being so 'spiritual' makes him feel worse, but he feels a bit stuck. maybe it's like he has so much to do to be as 'good' as others in the family that he does not see any point in trying. maybe he's properly depressed and needs a doctor.

ok, this all sounds depressing, but don't stop reading here, it gets better!
step 3 is to stop being so good and trying to please him.
:o
(feel free to read it again if u r shocked!)
u see, yr 'pleasing' behaviour makes him more likely to be mean (i was bullied all the time at school and in about half my jobs at work, having a very extreme form of 'trying to please', which, thank God, He has changed).
so u have to set boundaries.
like, 'this is as clean as it gets, if u want it cleaner u have to wait till we clean up again tomorrow or do it yourself' or 'sorry the rice is a bit dry - have some more sauce' (instead of 'oh dear, i'll make more rice').
also try (when he wants u to pass him something 1 metre from his hand) 'sure, i'll pass u that in a minute when i have finished sweeping the floor / sending this email'.

if u have actually been lazy and been on the computer for 2 hours while he was doing some chores in the house, then u can apologise and do what he asks, but decide first with yourself what the boundaries are. if he has been working hard all day and you haven't, take care of him. but if u have been working hard all day and he has been chilling out, don't think u have to jump to his requests immediately.
this way he learns how u really are like, and u can move your relationship to a closer level.

step 4 (the last one, don't worry!) is to show an interest in what interests him. so actually find out who is top of the football and learn their names, or have an idea about what he reads/ watches. maybe u will find something u can do together like growing vegetables, fishing etc. if u don't try it, u won't know if u like it!
try to spend as much time discussing things he likes as u spend talking about church or whatever u like to talk about.

i would be interested to see other people's ideas as well, this is a great forum for ideas.
and, of course, take advice from an older, more spiritual person u know like yr priest.
:)

Joshuaa

Hi Agpeya,
                I would focas on forgiveness. I think he is hard on peolple because he is hard on himself, and every time you accept this hardness nothing is going to change. Saint Stephen was killed after saying after calling some pharisees hard hearted. Jesus Christ's love is free, free to make mistakes, mistakes as a christian, to learn from.

        God bless you.

Qidus_Michael

[quote author=mabsoota link=topic=12092.msg143276#msg143276 date=1313609113]
hi, it's good that u care about this enough to try to help.
i have been married more than 10 years and i have been coptic for 3 years, so i have a bit of experience with people.
it seems like u would like to be close to yr dad, but actually u r not.

this is the first thing u need to accept. for as long as u expect more from him, he will not be able to give u more.
if he could, he would have done that already.
so the first step in relations with parents, siblings, friends, husbands, wives etc. is to accept them as they are; imperfect. u may also find that u r not perfect either.
i don't mean that u don't keep the house clean (u obviously do) or u don't make a big effort to get on with yr dad (u obviously do), but maybe u have other perfections like pride (i do!) or being too demanding of other people or of trying to get yr reward on earth (thanks, good relationships etc.) instead of in heaven (i only know 1 person who is not like this!)
so what i mean is u might have things to learn as well (like i do).

the second step is to imagine what it feels like to be yr dad. like, ask yourself how was his upbringing? was he allowed to show emotion? did he have to work like a slave and then not have the time to study or to get a better job? did he have to spend ages studying a foreign language to try and provide better jobs and education for his kids and then find they were much better at everything than he was, maybe even joking with him about his past?
does he find it hard to socialise and then find everyone else (it seems) has something funnier or more spiritual to say and he doesn't contribute much? these are all the sort of questions to ask yourself, i do not need the answers.
maybe he knows he is being mean (mean people usually do) and he feels bad but doesn't know how to change.
maybe the rest of the family being so 'spiritual' makes him feel worse, but he feels a bit stuck. maybe it's like he has so much to do to be as 'good' as others in the family that he does not see any point in trying. maybe he's properly depressed and needs a doctor.

ok, this all sounds depressing, but don't stop reading here, it gets better!
step 3 is to stop being so good and trying to please him.
:o
(feel free to read it again if u r shocked!)
u see, yr 'pleasing' behaviour makes him more likely to be mean (i was bullied all the time at school and in about half my jobs at work, having a very extreme form of 'trying to please', which, thank God, He has changed).
so u have to set boundaries.
like, 'this is as clean as it gets, if u want it cleaner u have to wait till we clean up again tomorrow or do it yourself' or 'sorry the rice is a bit dry - have some more sauce' (instead of 'oh dear, i'll make more rice').
also try (when he wants u to pass him something 1 metre from his hand) 'sure, i'll pass u that in a minute when i have finished sweeping the floor / sending this email'.

if u have actually been lazy and been on the computer for 2 hours while he was doing some chores in the house, then u can apologise and do what he asks, but decide first with yourself what the boundaries are. if he has been working hard all day and you haven't, take care of him. but if u have been working hard all day and he has been chilling out, don't think u have to jump to his requests immediately.
this way he learns how u really are like, and u can move your relationship to a closer level.

step 4 (the last one, don't worry!) is to show an interest in what interests him. so actually find out who is top of the football and learn their names, or have an idea about what he reads/ watches. maybe u will find something u can do together like growing vegetables, fishing etc. if u don't try it, u won't know if u like it!
try to spend as much time discussing things he likes as u spend talking about church or whatever u like to talk about.

i would be interested to see other people's ideas as well, this is a great forum for ideas.
and, of course, take advice from an older, more spiritual person u know like yr priest.
:)


THANK you so much for the thoughtful response and interesting advice. Actually I think this is true because that behavior is instilled when we go along with the requests , we are adding to the fire by continuing to follow the way things are going. Thank you and may God bless your life and keep you with His Mercy.

andrew8345

[quote author=Agpeya link=topic=12092.msg143208#msg143208 date=1313505035]
God bless all of you

My dad, I love him very much he's a great father and I've never seen anyone work harder to provide and has always been there with his tough love and generous advice.
I just have a problem with him, he is very negative. He can turn any situation into a bad one, people don't want to spend time with him because he criticizes situations and people. He is one of those people who doesn't care who you are, if he  feels that you are wrong he will tell you. This is a good thing at times because you stand your ground but at times it is very unhelpful.

These kinds of situations happen ALL DAY for random things. When he comes home, we try to be on our best behavior and keep the house as clean and neat as possible to avoid any harsh words. Somehow he usually has something to complain about though, I am not exaggerating when I say this: about 60 to 70% or more of what he says is a complaint or a criticism about either me or my other siblings or my mom. As a result we do not choose on our own to spend time with him most of the time but if we do it is out of courtesy, when we have an issue we tell our mother. As the oldest, I feel like many things are my fault and  there is a sense of shame all of us have whenever we talk to him which I really feel is unnecessary feeling to have around family. I feel that I should be able to speak freely with him and not be afraid to mess up or dissapoint him.

My mother, and siblings and I are avid members of our church. We help in the Sunday School and travel for conferences. Our Spiritual lives first priority in our conversations and life in general. My father does not attend except perhaps Easter and doesn't understand how we have taken a liking to church. He doesn't forbid it but he wants us to focus on our academics more. We are not bad kids, people are always telling us how we are great and our parents are lucky but we aren't treated like we are worth much at home.

Again, I love my dad, to be honest I don't remember these kinds of things when I was younger but its becoming worst in the past 5-7 years or so. I'm not sure if its stresses from work trying to make ends meet or just unhappiness with himself. Have you heard of this kind of negative situation?? What do you think this is coming from?

Also can you give me advice on how to deal with this in a Christian way? I am a young woman (20's) and I am finding harder to deal with this, I feel that it is so unnecessary and I don't think we should have to quietly deal with it. If I bring it up with him calmly and rationally he will point out a flaw in me and not listen to what I have to say. Or he'll just be offended that we think we should have a talk about this. I really don't know what to do please help. In the mean time I'm praying about it.
God be with you all


For a moment I thought you were describing my dad. Criticism after criticism and it seems all he sees is the bad/mistakes in a person and neglects the good. I can give you a list of examples on how my father put me, my brother, and my mother down. It of course has caused me a deal of sadness. In my brother it caused a very low self-esteem.

We are not all granted the greatest parents - it is a fact that we must face. But we should not feel sorry for ourselves and pout. Our Lord is the Good Father and the Church/St. Mary our mother.

My humble advise to you:

1. Do not hate your father. Try to love him ( I know you already do) and pray for him. Talk to him and befriend him. Most likely he was treated the same way by his parents.

2. Help undo any harm that he has done to your family. If he criticizes someone for not knowing how to pour juice - make a joke of it with that person afterwords and compliment them on anything else. Build them up if he is breaking them down.

3. Pray that his heart be softened.

Prayers of the Virgin be with you.

Qidus_Michael

[quote author=Unworthy1 link=topic=12092.msg143300#msg143300 date=1313650387]
[quote author=Agpeya link=topic=12092.msg143208#msg143208 date=1313505035]
God bless all of you

My dad, I love him very much he's a great father and I've never seen anyone work harder to provide and has always been there with his tough love and generous advice.
I just have a problem with him, he is very negative. He can turn any situation into a bad one, people don't want to spend time with him because he criticizes situations and people. He is one of those people who doesn't care who you are, if he  feels that you are wrong he will tell you. This is a good thing at times because you stand your ground but at times it is very unhelpful.

These kinds of situations happen ALL DAY for random things. When he comes home, we try to be on our best behavior and keep the house as clean and neat as possible to avoid any harsh words. Somehow he usually has something to complain about though, I am not exaggerating when I say this: about 60 to 70% or more of what he says is a complaint or a criticism about either me or my other siblings or my mom. As a result we do not choose on our own to spend time with him most of the time but if we do it is out of courtesy, when we have an issue we tell our mother. As the oldest, I feel like many things are my fault and  there is a sense of shame all of us have whenever we talk to him which I really feel is unnecessary feeling to have around family. I feel that I should be able to speak freely with him and not be afraid to mess up or dissapoint him.

My mother, and siblings and I are avid members of our church. We help in the Sunday School and travel for conferences. Our Spiritual lives first priority in our conversations and life in general. My father does not attend except perhaps Easter and doesn't understand how we have taken a liking to church. He doesn't forbid it but he wants us to focus on our academics more. We are not bad kids, people are always telling us how we are great and our parents are lucky but we aren't treated like we are worth much at home.

Again, I love my dad, to be honest I don't remember these kinds of things when I was younger but its becoming worst in the past 5-7 years or so. I'm not sure if its stresses from work trying to make ends meet or just unhappiness with himself. Have you heard of this kind of negative situation?? What do you think this is coming from?

Also can you give me advice on how to deal with this in a Christian way? I am a young woman (20's) and I am finding harder to deal with this, I feel that it is so unnecessary and I don't think we should have to quietly deal with it. If I bring it up with him calmly and rationally he will point out a flaw in me and not listen to what I have to say. Or he'll just be offended that we think we should have a talk about this. I really don't know what to do please help. In the mean time I'm praying about it.
God be with you all


For a moment I thought you were describing my dad. Criticism after criticism and it seems all he sees is the bad/mistakes in a person and neglects the good. I can give you a list of examples on how my father put me, my brother, and my mother down. It of course has caused me a deal of sadness. In my brother it caused a very low self-esteem.

We are not all granted the greatest parents - it is a fact that we must face. But we should not feel sorry for ourselves and pout. Our Lord is the Good Father and the Church/St. Mary our mother.

My humble advise to you:

1. Do not hate your father. Try to love him ( I know you already do) and pray for him. Talk to him and befriend him. Most likely he was treated the same way by his parents.

2. Help undo any harm that he has done to your family. If he criticizes someone for not knowing how to pour juice - make a joke of it with that person afterwords and compliment them on anything else. Build them up if he is breaking them down.

3. Pray that his heart be softened.

Prayers of the Virgin be with you.





Thank you  :)