It has been a whole month now that I feel totally separated from God. I just didn't post here because I thought I could solve it myself, but I am honestly so confused right now. It seems that although I read from Scripture and I force myself to pray, nothing happens.
I feel alone spiritually. I have very close friends that I enjoy very much but my goal this summer is to help myself understand the sufficiency of only having God. I want it to be so that I don't feel lonely because I know God is with me, but I am just not getting anywhere near this. As a matter of fact, ever since I started praying more and reading the Scriptures more the more I have been "pulled" away from God as it seems. I don't notice the things He does for me everyday and I just don't feel like He is around.
At one point yesterday I was so upset at Him that when I was praying I began to notice that instead of thanking Him I was in a way provoking Him to do something just so that I can know He is there and nothing happened. I understand it is wrong to test the Lord, but this is just ridiculous, I want there to be something for me to see in God that would make me love him instead of going to church and spending countless hours in order to realize that i am not feeling any closer to God.
I get very upset and depressed with myself when I see other people so happy and they always have a hint of rejoicing in their mood and facial expressions because God is sufficient for them, but I don't feel this sufficiency and I most certainly don't feel God with me in everyday life.
Even though I read Scripture, most of the time it isn't willingly, I have to force myself to do it, and I have been doing so on a consistent basis almost everyday, but still I haven't gotten anything to keep me yearning for more of God.
I am not at the point where I feel like quitting or anything, but rather I am just really confused and frustrated and a little angry that God is just leaving me hanging like this. I feel like if God was loving enough to create me, why am I not feeling His presence?
If anybody could point me in the right direction or possibly share their own conflict and resolution with this issue I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks guys.
Comments
First, I'm not good with advise, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I am not at all experienced in the spiritual life, nor am I well acquainted with the spiritual way, but what I have read, I can offer to you, knowing that you know well enough to speak to your father of confession.
It is very commendable that you seek God so deeply. This is what God wants. Let this be clear to you, that (without pride) you have started the proper means. Many people, feeling a disconnect from God, immediately pull away from him, thinking that they can live their lives away from him. You, my brother, have chosen to force yourself into learning from this, and to enhancing your spirituality.
Dependency on God is a gift given to us by him. Do not for a second think that you can teach yourself to depend on Him. This is His grace which allows you to do this, not your will. I think the fact that you want to know he is around, and the fact that you feel that you don't thank Him enough is a good sign of your sensitivity. This is most evident from your sad tone. It is also good that you are able to channel this sadness into seeking help.
Within limits, it is Ok for us to be "upset" with God. We, his children, have been given the grace to be able to tell him our deepest sorrows, and with fidelity that he listens. How awesome is our God?! So show him your anger, but thank Him that you can do that? I remember a Pope Shenouda sermon in which he contemplates thanking God, and he says, "Thank you God that you allow me, the dirt, to argue with you."
Feeling close to God is not good at all times. Think of St. Antony the great, who spent years in the desert before he could say, "I no longer fear God, because I love him." You are telling me that you want to feel close to God, though you are so young, and full of other concerns? Fat Chance! These things take time, but you are most certainly on your way. Thank God that you can read this.
St. Arsenius cried deeply everyday? But he was most certainly happy. Do not judge externally. I have had people come to me and tell me, "R*****, your face can light a room with joy." Little did they know I am overcoming depression. Thank God that you get to see the faces of these people. Feeling God is a process. It takes time. Yes it is heart wrenching, but you know as well as the next person that the spiritual way is full of troubles-not just from Satan, but from God. God will grant you the feeling of his presence when you show that you are working. I know you are persevering, continue.
In regards to reading the scripture, I understand fully. It becomes annoying, and burdening. You may not get any comfort from it, but your heart will converse with God, even if distant from your mind. God's words are penetrating. Your heart has no choice but to listen to it, even if your mind is impotent. Try reading the Bible with commentaries, so that you can better understand. If I read "Jesus wept" 30 times over, it will remain boring unless I contemplate the implications. So take it slow. You will get there. Ask God to open your mind. He wants nothing more than to open your mind for you.
Your not at the point of giving up? Then thank God. Look at how many others gave up. So take that blessing, and keep it in your heart. God is mighty. God is great. Like a loving father, he wants you to trust him even when you don't see him. Imagine walking along a path with Christ. Suddenly it goes dark. What God wants is that even when it goes dark, you don't fret, knowing that he is still there, and that when the light comes on again, he sees you walking happily beside him, unmoved. So expect periods of darkness. God gives them to you on purpose. Have faith. I know it is hard. I will pray for you.
I went through depression because of feelings of atheism. I almost gave up. I am in pain. I spoke about it earlier. I won't re-iterate. But trust me, thank God.
What you describe to me does not sound like Spiritual Languor, but rather, Spiritual Aridity. I will post something by Fr. Matta El Meskeen on each on respectively. You can then choose which symptoms which he describes fit you, and he gives some good advice on the matter.
I will be back with his writings, and in the mean time, I will pray for you. God be with you, George.
ReturnOrthodoxy
by Father Matta El Maskeen (Matthew the Poor)
Reprinted from Orthodox Prayer Life: The Interior Way
"For the enemy has pursued me; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead." (Ps 143.3)
In times of spiritual aridity, prayer does not stop. There is nothing to demand that it stop, since the entire soul is still inclined toward God and righteousness. It is not as if it has lost its power or will to strive or to pray, for spiritual aridity has no effect except the absence of the solace, pleasure, and loving encouragements that are the companions and fruits of prayer.
Spiritual languor, on the other hand, affects the will. Here, the attack is aimed even at our attempt to pray and to persevere in prayer. A man may stand to pray, but he finds neither words to say nor power to carry on. He may sit down to read, but the book in his hands turns, as St. Isaac the Syrian says, "into lead." It may remain open for a whole day, while the mind fails to grasp a single line. The mind is distracted, unable to concentrate on or follow the meaning of the words passing before it. The will, which controls all activity, is impotent.
Although the desire to pray is present, the power and will to do so are absent. In the end, even the desire to pray may fade. Man becomes unable and unwilling to pray, adding to his suffering and sorrow. His problems seem entirely insolvable.
If man tries to plumb the depths of his soul, he finds himself at a loss, for its depths are beyond his reach. It is as if his spiritual footing has been lost, alienating him from the essence of his life. If he tries to examine his faith and secretly measure it in his heart, he finds that it has died, gone. If he knocks at the door of hope, if he clings to the promises of God he had once cherished and lived by, he finds in what he used to find hope has now turned to ice. Hope is stuck in the cold present and not willing to move beyond it.
The enemy seizes this opportunity, striking with all his firepower. He launches an offensive - to convince man of his failure, of the ruin of all his struggle and effort. The enemy tries to persuade man that his whole spiritual life was not true or real, that it was nothing but fanciful illusions and emotions. He clamps down on man's mind that he might once and for all deny the spiritual life.
Yet, amidst all these crushing inner battles, the soul somehow has an intuition that all these doubts are untrue and that something must exist on the other side of the darkness. It also feels that, in spite of itself, it is still bound to the God who has forsaken it. The soul continues to worship God without realizing or even wanting to! Deep within, far away from the mind's eye or discernment, the heart continues to pray - albeit it is a prayer that gives him no comfort or assurance.
When the enemy seeks to deal his fatal blow, trying to force the soul to renounce its faith and hope, he encounters no response. The soul may give in to the enemy in the battle of the mind in complete surrender and to the farthest limits of error. But it is absolutely impossible for the soul to take action, for at the point where imagination and thought turn into action, the will springs forth like a lion out of his den to terrify all the foxes of corruption.
Hence, behind spiritual languor there exists a relationship with God that, though inactive, is real and still very strong, stronger than all the whispers of the devil. Yet until the decisive moment of danger, this relationship sleeps.
This relationship remains hidden from the soul. It is vain to try to convince a soul of its existence, that the soul might rely on this or reassure itself of its presence. For in this tribulation, the soul is called to stand alone.
The soul remains within the sphere of God's dominion. Although unaware, it is still making progress and on the right path. It is still led by an invisible hand and carried by an unfelt power. The tangible proof for all this is the extreme, constant grief of the soul over its fall from its former activity, zeal, and prominent effort into its present state.
The movement of faith was born one day within the heart of the pilgrim, now on the trek whose final destination is God. Faith was lit like a lamp with the light of God. It was kindled by love and zeal and has pushed the soul forward on its march. The pilgrim must not believe that this movement can be abruptly withdrawn from the depths of his heart, that he can be left in such sudden emptiness.
It cannot be assumed that a man will constantly see or feel the light or warmth of God. Yet both are constant and active, both in the light of this life as well as in its darkness, its coldness as well as its warmth, its happiness as well as its grief. The way of the spirit is not to be measured exclusively by periods of light, warmth, joy, or fruitful activity. Periods of impasse, of darkness engulfing the soul, of grief which oppresses the heart, periods of coldness paralyzing all spiritual emotion are inseparable parts of the narrow spiritual way. Such conditions seem adverse, painful, and deadly. What matters is how we face them. This is what determines our worthiness to proceed further, completing the blessed struggle until we receive our crowns.
.....
This debilitating languor of the spirit is by far the direst tribulation of the soul, indeed the climax of its purging experience. It is similar only to death. Only under the wing of the Almighty's perfect providence can man withstand such a trial, for during this ordeal the soul in its grief, like Job, reaches the point in which it yearns for death.
During all these torments, the afflicted person is not totally deprived of the hope of God�s mercy. He never stops looking up toward God, even on the verge of despair; rather, he waits for a great and wonderful salvation. Inasmuch as the tribulation presses hard, his soul becomes clearer and purer. The vision of the Almighty�s majesty is unveiled, together with the intensity of his love and faithfulness toward the human soul. Previous sufferings seem to fall like scales from the eyes of the soul. It is here that the soul builds up its faith in God. It is not on the basis of blessings that pass away, on protection and visible care, nor on tangible evidence or reasonable proof, but on "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Heb 11.1).
In the same way, every soul that loves Christ will be, without exception, vindicated at the end. No matter how bitter the spiritual experience, it still knows its final share. It crawls forward, injured but looking toward Christ. The soul, the forsaken beloved, calls to him who has bought her with his blood, never once swerving from her trust in her Lover.
Trust may fade from view but is never lost. Faith may sometimes come to a halt but never comes to an end. Feelings of love may sink out of sight, yet they are still preserved in the depths of the soul to spring forth at the end of the trial with an invincible power.
Geomike,
First, I'm not good with advise, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I am not at all experienced in the spiritual life, nor am I well acquainted with the spiritual way, but what I have read, I can offer to you, knowing that you know well enough to speak to your father of confession.
It is very commendable that you seek God so deeply. This is what God wants. Let this be clear to you, that (without pride) you have started the proper means. Many people, feeling a disconnect from God, immediately pull away from him, thinking that they can live their lives away from him. You, my brother, have chosen to force yourself into learning from this, and to enhancing your spirituality.
Dependency on God is a gift given to us by him. Do not for a second think that you can teach yourself to depend on Him. This is His grace which allows you to do this, not your will. I think the fact that you want to know he is around, and the fact that you feel that you don't thank Him enough is a good sign of your sensitivity. This is most evident from your sad tone. It is also good that you are able to channel this sadness into seeking help.
Within limits, it is Ok for us to be "upset" with God. We, his children, have been given the grace to be able to tell him our deepest sorrows, and with fidelity that he listens. How awesome is our God?! So show him your anger, but thank Him that you can do that? I remember a Pope Shenouda sermon in which he contemplates thanking God, and he says, "Thank you God that you allow me, the dirt, to argue with you."
Feeling close to God is not good at all times. Think of St. Antony the great, who spent years in the desert before he could say, "I no longer fear God, because I love him." You are telling me that you want to feel close to God, though you are so young, and full of other concerns? Fat Chance! These things take time, but you are most certainly on your way. Thank God that you can read this.
St. Arsenius cried deeply everyday? But he was most certainly happy. Do not judge externally. I have had people come to me and tell me, "R*****, your face can light a room with joy." Little did they know I am overcoming depression. Thank God that you get to see the faces of these people. Feeling God is a process. It takes time. Yes it is heart wrenching, but you know as well as the next person that the spiritual way is full of troubles-not just from Satan, but from God. God will grant you the feeling of his presence when you show that you are working. I know you are persevering, continue.
In regards to reading the scripture, I understand fully. It becomes annoying, and burdening. You may not get any comfort from it, but your heart will converse with God, even if distant from your mind. God's words are penetrating. Your heart has no choice but to listen to it, even if your mind is impotent. Try reading the Bible with commentaries, so that you can better understand. If I read "Jesus wept" 30 times over, it will remain boring unless I contemplate the implications. So take it slow. You will get there. Ask God to open your mind. He wants nothing more than to open your mind for you.
Your not at the point of giving up? Then thank God. Look at how many others gave up. So take that blessing, and keep it in your heart. God is mighty. God is great. Like a loving father, he wants you to trust him even when you don't see him. Imagine walking along a path with Christ. Suddenly it goes dark. What God wants is that even when it goes dark, you don't fret, knowing that he is still there, and that when the light comes on again, he sees you walking happily beside him, unmoved. So expect periods of darkness. God gives them to you on purpose. Have faith. I know it is hard. I will pray for you.
I went through depression because of feelings of atheism. I almost gave up. I am in pain. I spoke about it earlier. I won't re-iterate. But trust me, thank God.
What you describe to me does not sound like Spiritual Languor, but rather, Spiritual Aridity. I will post something by Fr. Matta El Meskeen on each on respectively. You can then choose which symptoms which he describes fit you, and he gives some good advice on the matter.
I will be back with his writings, and in the mean time, I will pray for you. God be with you, George.
ReturnOrthodoxy
As usual ReturnOrthodoxy you are a blessing and I thoroughly appreciated and enjoyed your well organized and helpful thoughts and advice. I am glad that you informed me that I am just travelling through a tunnel in the road.
I will ask for God's grace to help keep me going and love Him even if I feel like He isn't there. As a matter of fact minutes after making this thread I found myself randomly typing Pope Shenouda in youtube and I found this video as the first result and it applies so much, hopefully this video will be helpful for those going through what I am going through:
And ReturnOrthodoxy, I really look forward to your videos from Fr. Matta. I really appreciate your help and support and I also pray that God will help you with the pain you are going through and may He be with us all and help us to truly feel His presence in everything we do.
ReturnOrthodoxy, I feel that it wasn't a coincidence for you to be reading about this subject recently as God knew someone like me was coming along your path and needed the knowledge. Thanks so much as usual ReturnOrthodoxy.
God with you and all of us here treading upon the rough road to God.
-Michael
I am sure that you will rise victorious through the prayers of the Theotokos and all the saints.
A blessed sleep
ReturnOrthodoxy