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Academic Performance and God
I can't stand the contradiction between what I feel the bible tells me and what people tell me.. I want to yell..I can't stand people denying my feelings..
I told my mum that I have facial hair due to commiting lust.. she denies it..
it is a plain fact.. I told her my memory is bad .. she denies it..
Its very hard to get work done when I fall into this sin..
I tell her im depressed because of (not lust this time)... she denies it..
There are close friends I know who have achieved superior academic achievements and ofcourse they are rightly honored.. why am I finding it hard to do the same?
Everytime I start making progress and study well there is a voice inside me that tells me you are studying too much.. you look pathetic trying to be a saint because you will never be one ..you are studying too much don't forget to enjoy your life.. you havYe to study smarter not harder.. instead of facing unfavorable circumstances and disappointment over doing badly after you study hard..and end up blaspheming God.. or end up in despair.. I say you should just take it easy.. and try and study smarter... you are studying too much.. you are neglecting people
for your selfish ambitions...you want to be successful even though you have been shown time and again that God thinks you are unworthy of success since He makes you take so long to get work done...
other people also say we should take it easy God will help you pass and get it done.. God is not recording how many times you rejected any distracting suggestion.. God does not play karma... If God does not play Karma then why do people honor those with high achievements? they say even if you give into distraction God doesn't care.. He doesn't care how hard you are trying.. its all about having riches and studying smart.. God cares nothing for your worldly ambitions.. and is making it hard for you because He wants you out of the world and back into the church asap
the voice tells me you should not have any ambitions of your own alone.. you have to only do it with others or you are selfish and God will limit your success.. you can never be successful like Job or any of the saints because you will be proud.. you are unworthy to be a successful entrepeneur like the millionaires.. you will live off only your parents money and devour it with nothing left for your children because you are not worthy to be considered a helper of your children..look how many times you have been lazy.. and you think that is going to change any time soon? study smarter not harder.. God doesn't care about your hard work you have to care for yourself.. you are being overly righteous if you think God is going to remember your hard work and bless you and make you have enough success that makes your family proud..or you don't have the talent.. you are just proud wanting to be better than everyone.. you were born rich.. what do you think you were chosen to be higher than others? no God made you rich so you can focus on spirituality and so on..
so what do you think?
I have not been able to defeat this devil for 10 years now..
or the devil tells me look at you your pathetic your all alone look at you struggling to get work done.. you will always struggle.. because you are a damned forsaken creature and will always be and that is also why everyone leaves you alone in your misery..
or since you think so many spiritual thoughts and meditate often on God you should share it with others and so many opportunities you have missed in helping someone with the bible.. who are now lost because of your negligence..it is impossible for you to serve God you have no guide.. not even the priests deeply care about your thoughts and look for solutions .. so I end up commiting masturbation because I think it is the truth
Actually it's not you look pathetic trying to be a saint when I am studying hard it is don't you dare even have one thought of pride as you study you think you are wiser and more holy than us ..you are making us feel worthless as you do the right thing you are hogging praise that does not belong to you
therefore leave study so we can like you its not that I don't want to be thought of as a geek but I want to not be an intense studier so I don't have aggressive and proud thoughts I don't want to offend people I feel people are always staring at me when I am studying
I feel people are trying to play mind games to stop me from studying
But I think it is probably not them but the devil or myself wanting something from people
I spend much time trying not to seem irritated from those around me but I don't want to study alone also I spend much time trying to "justify" my intrusive thoughts in front of God or fight them
I feel people are being turned into sinners because I am thinking bad thoughts about them while I am studying and they are offended because I give dirty looks of frustration to them but I can't control those intrusive thoughts all the time
Also thinking to myself I am a saint and am smart and am on the road to greatness when I feel people are watching me think that I lose motivation to work
That is one intrusive thought
Portraying a false image of greatness demotivates me for I know I am unworthy of that praise from men
I am also being discouraged because it feels too late for me to be deserving of honor - I just figured that out today 20 November 2012. People probably think I do not deserve to be in college and I am spoiled
why do I have to go through so much hell for something I do not know how it benefits me. It is not like the prize of my very own plane or mansion. But I know it is important but I am not given the reasons why it is important. It seems it has no value if I get it so late to be of use for me. I also feel I have been disrespected by God and made to look like a lazy fool to others and do not want others to judge me. But people will judge so I must finish. I need a framework for my life which is my career so I must finish. Not just delusional daydreams. But I don't like the selfish race to glory and people only respecting me if I am successful. I want to show them I deserve respect even if I am not successful. But this is God's will it seems
I told my mum that I have facial hair due to commiting lust.. she denies it..
it is a plain fact.. I told her my memory is bad .. she denies it..
Its very hard to get work done when I fall into this sin..
I tell her im depressed because of (not lust this time)... she denies it..
There are close friends I know who have achieved superior academic achievements and ofcourse they are rightly honored.. why am I finding it hard to do the same?
Everytime I start making progress and study well there is a voice inside me that tells me you are studying too much.. you look pathetic trying to be a saint because you will never be one ..you are studying too much don't forget to enjoy your life.. you havYe to study smarter not harder.. instead of facing unfavorable circumstances and disappointment over doing badly after you study hard..and end up blaspheming God.. or end up in despair.. I say you should just take it easy.. and try and study smarter... you are studying too much.. you are neglecting people
for your selfish ambitions...you want to be successful even though you have been shown time and again that God thinks you are unworthy of success since He makes you take so long to get work done...
other people also say we should take it easy God will help you pass and get it done.. God is not recording how many times you rejected any distracting suggestion.. God does not play karma... If God does not play Karma then why do people honor those with high achievements? they say even if you give into distraction God doesn't care.. He doesn't care how hard you are trying.. its all about having riches and studying smart.. God cares nothing for your worldly ambitions.. and is making it hard for you because He wants you out of the world and back into the church asap
the voice tells me you should not have any ambitions of your own alone.. you have to only do it with others or you are selfish and God will limit your success.. you can never be successful like Job or any of the saints because you will be proud.. you are unworthy to be a successful entrepeneur like the millionaires.. you will live off only your parents money and devour it with nothing left for your children because you are not worthy to be considered a helper of your children..look how many times you have been lazy.. and you think that is going to change any time soon? study smarter not harder.. God doesn't care about your hard work you have to care for yourself.. you are being overly righteous if you think God is going to remember your hard work and bless you and make you have enough success that makes your family proud..or you don't have the talent.. you are just proud wanting to be better than everyone.. you were born rich.. what do you think you were chosen to be higher than others? no God made you rich so you can focus on spirituality and so on..
so what do you think?
I have not been able to defeat this devil for 10 years now..
or the devil tells me look at you your pathetic your all alone look at you struggling to get work done.. you will always struggle.. because you are a damned forsaken creature and will always be and that is also why everyone leaves you alone in your misery..
or since you think so many spiritual thoughts and meditate often on God you should share it with others and so many opportunities you have missed in helping someone with the bible.. who are now lost because of your negligence..it is impossible for you to serve God you have no guide.. not even the priests deeply care about your thoughts and look for solutions .. so I end up commiting masturbation because I think it is the truth
Actually it's not you look pathetic trying to be a saint when I am studying hard it is don't you dare even have one thought of pride as you study you think you are wiser and more holy than us ..you are making us feel worthless as you do the right thing you are hogging praise that does not belong to you
therefore leave study so we can like you its not that I don't want to be thought of as a geek but I want to not be an intense studier so I don't have aggressive and proud thoughts I don't want to offend people I feel people are always staring at me when I am studying
I feel people are trying to play mind games to stop me from studying
But I think it is probably not them but the devil or myself wanting something from people
I spend much time trying not to seem irritated from those around me but I don't want to study alone also I spend much time trying to "justify" my intrusive thoughts in front of God or fight them
I feel people are being turned into sinners because I am thinking bad thoughts about them while I am studying and they are offended because I give dirty looks of frustration to them but I can't control those intrusive thoughts all the time
Also thinking to myself I am a saint and am smart and am on the road to greatness when I feel people are watching me think that I lose motivation to work
That is one intrusive thought
Portraying a false image of greatness demotivates me for I know I am unworthy of that praise from men
I am also being discouraged because it feels too late for me to be deserving of honor - I just figured that out today 20 November 2012. People probably think I do not deserve to be in college and I am spoiled
why do I have to go through so much hell for something I do not know how it benefits me. It is not like the prize of my very own plane or mansion. But I know it is important but I am not given the reasons why it is important. It seems it has no value if I get it so late to be of use for me. I also feel I have been disrespected by God and made to look like a lazy fool to others and do not want others to judge me. But people will judge so I must finish. I need a framework for my life which is my career so I must finish. Not just delusional daydreams. But I don't like the selfish race to glory and people only respecting me if I am successful. I want to show them I deserve respect even if I am not successful. But this is God's will it seems