The fact is if I do not give myself many chances of trying to get work done I may never get work done or be able to develop a habit. Most people claim they do not oblige me (but have they obliged my conscience or reason?) to go to activities anyway but I go because I feel I may be judged or criticised about how I spend my time people can try to advise me to make my life better they may pity me worrying I am taking life too seriously and still I am not producing happy results
This is not the main concern of my post or maybe it is my main concern is I feel like I have to show my parents results I have to prove I have worked hard to my tutor for him to think I deserve him and that is fair. I don't want to waste my life without wisdom.
You see the main problem and concern of this post is whether I should be studying if that makes me tempted to sin
and I take long to get work done. When I want to work at night when I feel I have settled for study I remember on some days I have to meet my tutor early and there is no time.
Should I even be studying if I often do not feel I can and I feel tempted to sin. Yet if I do not study I can participate with the world and people will praise me and find me fun and they think they can release my personality and usefulness to the world
I may have wanted to be a game programmer but life may not be like that it was made for the seriously talented which I may be but I have to work hard. It seems the only people who will become an engineer or any other field that is hard are those who are talented in such a profession or those who have shown a consistent desire to prove themselves worthy of a tutor or show to their employer they are desperate for the job and highly employable.I may not like that but that is the order of the world. Even God may have made that order. However what if there is no other purpose that can be found for my life to do? what if success will be just as hard in any other way I try to pursue it? if they have kicked me out of engineering atleast let me be a successful business man or give me a purpose or have you not crushed my life? why crush someone who may get better with time? or why should I be judged by others on what degree I have or why do I not find many helpful people in the world outside of university to help me become employable where I am useful?
you see I do not really feel free to live and make my own decisions but I have to manage my fathers money when he dies as I have not proven my self responsible of my own life so must atleast make up for mistakes for my children Though they (mum and dad) say I have to make my own decisions it comes to the fact that they do not really like my choices somehow. They will cause me so much pressure if I take engineering seriously because I am wasting their stuff but that is because I am not getting enough support from others
if God wanted me to study wouldn't he remove the feeling of temptation and if not wouldn't he make my tutor not annoyed that I have done little on my own away? I understand He does not have to give me a genius brain but atleast not make it harder than I can bear or tolerate or understand? why am I not a little independent?
It seems like a fact the end of university means end the end of life and usefulness
because noone is accepted to learn things just on their own
yet to be put down by others when not an engineer if you are studying on your own outside of uni
it is truly the end of dreams and creation
right now I had been invited to someones house but rejected it to study but I am just feeling overwhelmed with my lack of focus and want to sin