Hey guys,
I have a problem, and I wonder if anyone ever feels the same, and if so, how can I go about stopping this behavior.. This is hard to say because I think I have been in denial, but I think I suffer from jealousy. badly. This has happened before, but I have never admitted it was a problem, but I think it's time...for the past few days, I have been wallowing in self pity and loathing, sitting at home feeling secretly unhappy, possibly even betrayed, all because I feel that a good friend of mine has been "doing fun things" without me, or spending time with other friends.
Keep in mind, I am far too old and far to busy to be acting like this; I have plenty of friends, and I often spend time with many of them, and I know that I am really beyond blessed, and I have so much I don't deserve, yet I can't help but feel bitter and annoyed when I feel "left out" or that people around me are moving forward....without me. ...Typing it out makes me feel so much worse because I know how petty this all is, and I know it shouldn't be an issue, and I really wish I could stop being like this. My friends are all always happy when good things happen to me, and never get upset, or even notice, if I spend time with other people, but I, on the other hand, literally spin into days of misery and confinement over one or two events. I isolate myself, become fiercely competitive over things that matter not a single bit, and find myself just bitter towards whoever it is (to the point that I begin to scrutinize and become annoyed with anything and everything they do.. things that I would normally even find amusing just bother me), which just pushes me further into my negative thoughts and feelings. I don't know why I do this, I don't think i'm insecure, or sad, and it's not like my life is tragic or anything, and trust me, from the bottom of my heart, I want all the best for my friends, and everyone I know, I pray for them daily, and I want them to be so happy and to have all that their hearts desire. So, I don't really know what's at the root of this..envy, i guess?
My particular friend is great and means a lot to me, and I hate myself when I get like this. AHHH. it's really driving me crazy; every time I decide to move on with my life and stop these thoughts, I find myself logging into social media to see what other things i've "missed out on", or even just dwelling on meaningless things and generally just feeling progressively worse with each passing moment. It's really a self destructive cycle. Not only do I fear that this brings negative feelings and thoughts into my life, but I also fear that one day, it can put a dent in a friendship if I am not careful with how I deal with it. Right now, I kind of just act passively about it, I stop actively contacting said person, and wait for them to reach out to me, and when they do, and I feel "loved" and "in" again, everything goes back to normal... until the next event....Everyone thinks i'm so sweet and caring and loving, and I generally am...except for when this happens. I would never dream of saying a word about it, and rightfully so; the solution is not to talk to said friend about it, because really said friend has done NOTHING wrong at all, I would just sound like a crazy person.
I'm not sure if I have expressed my problem adequately to you all, but if anyone knows of any practical steps I can take, or tools I can use in order to stop being a frenemy-like person, and to get rid of my angsty feelings, which I suppose are spurred by some sort of latent jealousy, please share.
Thanks
Note: I have deleted my social media account with the hopes that "if i don't see/know, I can prevent these bad feelings," but that just leaves me alone with my thoughts, and makes it almost worse, and I think there's probably a deeper problem that needs to be tackled.
Comments
[quote author=Blessed link=topic=14555.msg165491#msg165491 date=1375085466]
Note: I have deleted my social media account with the hopes that "if i don't see/know, I can prevent these bad feelings," but that just leaves me alone with my thoughts, and makes it almost worse, and I think there's probably a deeper problem that needs to be tackled.
That is the best first step. Don't worry about being alone with your thoughts. There's a chapter in a book that I like (Way of the heart), and it says 'Silence is the furnace of transformation'. We must indeed face these thoughts and empty ourselves of these thoughts to come to truly transform ourselves.
In any case, many things could be said, but when its all said and done, your Father of Confession is the one who knows you best and should have the best idea of how to help you!
One thing I found interesting while reading your post however, is I wondered for myself, what's God's perspective? I mean, when I do the same and focus on my friends and how they leave me out, am I not forgetting God in the same time? Am I telling him - your company is not enough, I need my friends, I need people to relate to? Don't I give Him all those same reasons to feel jealous?
I sure pray that none of us feel what you feel Blessed. The devil loves to play with our minds. May God protect us from jealousy and protect us from making our Father, our Savior and our Friend jealous in the same time. Lord have mercy.
another thing is that you may have too much spare time. keep busy helping others who have trouble - visit an old person, cook something for a sick person etc.
if you still have lots of time, memorise some psalms and repeat them when your head fills with difficult thoughts.