Need some advice on a personal matter

SMark20

Hi

I have a personal problem and I would like some advice or opinion on a situation that gives me a lot of pressure. I live in France so forgive me for my bad english.

Very soon I will finish my studies and probably after a couple of years I intend to get married. Me and the girl I plan to marry are not engaged yet. We've known each other for a long time and the both of us want to get engaged after we both finish our studies. My parents still don't know about her, they only know that we are very good friends.

Recently, however, we discovered that she have a fairly serious illness. This has not changed my plans and I still intend to marry her and have a future with her.

Soon I will have to talk about my intentions to both abouna and to my parents. What I'm afraid of is how my parents will take it, because of the disease problem. I don't think they would take it well. Not with regards to the girl, whom they know and i think they would accept without problems, but with regards to her illness. They, like every parent, would like the best for me, and they might not accept it. I don't even know if I should talk about it with them, as this is a personal matter of the girl, but keeping it hidden from my parents doesn't seem like a good idea, because it could bring problems in the not so distant future.

As I said I will talk about it with my father confessor to seek guidance, but I also wanted to hear other opinions of people that I don't know who can give an objective opinion.

Thanks for reading and pray for me. Any advice or opinion?

Zoxsasi

Hello Sir,

Thank you for sharing this problem. God give you strength. Well, the good news is that you know of her disease before you get married. Im so sorry to hear of this disease. 

What if you were the one with this disease? What would you hope her parents say about you?

I think, what I've learnt from life, is to focus on Christ. Keep it simple. Take marriage as a sacrament and wonder if this relationship will bring you closer to Christ, or take you away. You may marry someone without any disease who may end up ill anyway, or could, God forbid, end up in a serious accident. 

We don't know. 

But you are noble and courageous for your behaviour. 

If I were a girl, I'd marry you!!

SMark20

Thanks for your reply and i really appreciate it and i agree with you.

I think this realationship will for sure bring me closer to Christ. But what i really meant is another thing. How should i tell my parents about her illness? How can i make it easier for them to accept it? And should i even tell them?

Zoxsasi

Well, my mother just so happened to be my spiritual guide. So , whatever I told her, it was for advice, not for judgement, and she gave me advice that was spiritual, i.e. for my spiritual benefit, not necessary whether it pleased her as a mother. Hence, I'm not sure what relationship you have with your mother or father. 

My 2 cents is this: 

a) Is she a Christian?

b) if so, does her disease affect your life as a married couple? 

There's nothing wrong with saying "im not sure I can handle this situation" - that's OK. 

And there's nothing with saying "I love her, and I accept her problems" . That's ok too. 

It depends on what the disease is. 

So let's say it was a sexual disease. If she has a sexual disease (like HIV/Aids/etc) - then you should tell your parents. That's because her disease puts your life at risk. 

If her disease is like a "kidney issue" - where she may need dialysis , or diabetes - Im sure with Coptic parents, they are kind people. They will love her. That's not an issue. Its not ideal... but as I mentioned, turn the tables and see how that looks from the other side: let's imagine that you had the disease and your gf was perfectly healthy. What kind of response would you like from her parents? What kind of behaviour would your parents wish that your gf's parents give you?

Zoxsasi

Sir,

There are some diseases/illnesses that will scare your parents:

a) Sexual diseases

b) Mental illness - bipolar/mental disorders.

These two, any normal mother would not be happy about that. 

Then there are diseases where a mother would not care:

a) Diabetes

b) Kidney issues, etc.. 

SMark20

Yes she is a christian and she serves in my same church. 

Her illness is multiple sclerosis. I don't know if you are familiar with this kind of illness, anyway  she is fine by appareance and no one can notice about her problem. Nowadays anyone with this kind of illness can live a long and happy life, but anything can happen.

So my life and hers are not at risk of anything, but it was not an easy thing to accept for me, and i imagine it will be the same for my parents

Zoxsasi

I think the only thing your parents, or Abouna would or should ask you is : 

"Can you handle that" ? That's it. As I mentioned, if you CAN handle it, it is ok.

There's no issue. 

I think you are an amazing young man. XX

Zoxsasi

If you cannot handle it, it is OK too. There's no issue there. It would not be right for her to ask you to hide this from your parents. here's why:

If you go into Marriage, you need to accept the other person with FULL knowledge and FULL free will. It is wrong, therefore, for her, to want this a secret. Is it a sin? Is having an illness a sin?? no. Of course not. Why does she want this as a secret?

mabsoota

are u sure yr parents have not guessed? if they have not realised u are serious about someone maybe u should deal with this 1st before u mention the illness. if u are not close to them, maybe they will freak out already about u being adult enough to consider marriage.
i was 21 when i told my family I was interested in someone and there was plenty of freaking out (ok we had only met once, so i understand in a way). take it 1 step at a time, no rush (as wedding not planned in the next year). they may take many months before they are ready to hear about the illness.
and of course ask yr confession father.
please note, the Bible does not indicate we should marry healthy, young, beautiful virgins, but rather that we should accept everything that comes from God and give thanks in every condition...