I'm really beginning to get sick of life, and several times I've thought of committing suicide, don't worry I just thought of it, I never tried to, because I know if I do it, I won't have eternal life and I won't enter the kingdom of Heaven, but lately I'm always in bad moods and sometimes mood swings, like I might be happy and then I realize something (like I'm not able to do a certain thing) and then I'll be upset again, been crying secretly, I feel that if I tell anyone or show them my pain, I'll get a lot of attention, and that's and been depressed a lot!! I don't like showing other people what I feel like, because I don't want attention, I know this is a terrible issue, and I've been trying to deal with it for several weeks and months. It's not because I don't get attention, or I don't have any friends, but the problems I've been dealing with lately are starting to sting a little, I've been getting blamed for things I haven't done and I used to only pray at the least 4 times a month, now that my problem is not going away, and I want to get closer to God, to see his light, to see if he can solve my problem, I really need a lot of prayers and I really need help, I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, but I feel that if I don't get help I might do something I may regret! Please help me, I really want to get back to a better and healthier life, I don't like being not happy at all, it bothers me, and I know if I tell anybody they will freak out and try their bestest effort to help me and give up time for me, that's why I don't want to say anything to anybody!!
Forever,
Coptic Servent
Comments
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mahraeel
plzzz
p4m sister in Christ
Forever,
Coptic Servent
I'm really beginning to get sick of life, and several times I've thought of committing suicide, don't worry I just thought of it, I never tried to, because I know if I do it, I won't have eternal life and I won't enter the kingdom of Heaven, but lately I'm always in bad moods and sometimes mood swings, like I might be happy and then I realize something (like I'm not able to do a certain thing) and then I'll be upset again, been crying secretly, I feel that if I tell anyone or show them my pain, I'll get a lot of attention, and that's and been depressed a lot!! I don't like showing other people what I feel like, because I don't want attention, I know this is a terrible issue, and I've been trying to deal with it for several weeks and months. It's not because I don't get attention, or I don't have any friends, but the problems I've been dealing with lately are starting to sting a little, I've been getting blamed for things I haven't done and I used to only pray at the least 4 times a month, now that my problem is not going away, and I want to get closer to God, to see his light, to see if he can solve my problem, I really need a lot of prayers and I really need help, I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, but I feel that if I don't get help I might do something I may regret! Please help me, I really want to get back to a better and healthier life, I don't like being not happy at all, it bothers me, and I know if I tell anybody they will freak out and try their bestest effort to help me and give up time for me, that's why I don't want to say anything to anybody!!
You need to talk to experienced counsellors. Depression is a serious illness. You must not keep it to yourself. Satan loves the darkness- bring your problems to God and to the light. In that way, you can easily see the problem. When I say bring it to the light, bring it to the attention of your FOC etc. Christians are compelled by the love of Christ to bear upon each other's burden.
Also, thank God for this trouble. If you look at this suffering with sincere gratitude, then the enemy loses her valiance. You mentioned yourself that you are drawing closer to God- and I think you are already gratitude. If you sincerely thank Him, continuously, and capitalise, the enemy that gave you this affliction will be utterly dismayed.
God has a way of seeking His grace in abundance, by showing that even what we take for granted is by His mercy. When we realise that- then...I will leave that to your imagination
This goes for all of us, including my abject self.
Forever,
Coptic Servent
I just want to say that what Clay wrote earlier was some very good advice which needs to be taken into consideration. You are not just a nobody who deserves no attention whatsoever, you are a Christian person who strongly needs to confide in someone (father of confession). I strongly recommend that you talk to your priest! Always remember that Christ said that in the world there will be tribulation, but He has overcome the world! So instead of feeling depressed about all the issues around us (which are inevitable), we must rejoice because God granted all of us salvation. Through Him, we can do anything- whether it be passing an exam, getting through family problems, or whatever. Prayer is also very important! Whatever you do, do not stop praying and reading the Holy Bible. Do not sell yourself short! God cares about everyone, that means YOU. So do yourself a favor and go see your father of confession...
By the way, your story reminds me so much of this video:
GB
Tony
Forever,
Coptic Servent
Gospel of Saint Matthew
"Put your toils and tribulations on your heavebly father, by this, Pray, and don't think of your issues, and you will soon find that they are no longer in existence".
-St. Anthony The Great
"Put your burden on the almighty, and it will be no more a burden but a sack of honey on your shoulders".
-St. Paphnutius
You need to pray, and forget about your issues, and stop worrying about everything. Whenever satan tries playing with your mind, you need to pull out your agpeya and read the bible.
BTW, not to judge or anything but you need to tell your father of confession about your suicide thoughts. You may think that you'll never do it, but this is how everything starts, small then it goes downhill from there.
Also, just thinking about suicide by itself is a sin. Even if you didn't do it ,which obviously you didn't, you still sinned. The reason you sinned is because when you think of commiting suicide, you are doubting God and you obviously forget about him. You may think it's all nonsense but this is the truth. You need to remember that Christ is alive and is looking at everyone of us now. Do you think if your parents knew you were having severe sadness that they would leave you alone? No obviously. Christ also doesn't just "leave us alone". He talks to us through the bible and the priest. That's why if you have a problem, you need to talk to abouna so through the holy spirit in abouna's words, you will find comfort and help.
PK
It took Israel 40 years as a nation to be ready for the promised land. Most of the generation that fled Egypt died. Miracle after miracle was performed in their gathering. After the miracle, because of their ungratefulness, they still complained and contended against God, and prophet and father Moses.
But remember Miriam's response to the great Exodus? How she danced and praised God. She forgot all her slavery, all her misery, all the tribultations of a slavegirl. She rejoiced at the Salvation of the Lord.
I am not sure how to interpret exactly what is meant by God hardening the heart of Pharaoh, but by allowing affliction, all the land of Egypt knew that God the LORD, is truly God Pantokrator, and Israel knew their God was the God of Salvation.
They sung, "The LORD is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation" .
When God gave the commandments, He began "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage." (Gen 20:2)
Sometimes afflictions, helps you to obey the tenth commandment, which is essentially be satisfied with what you have . (Ex. 20:17)
God did not just save His people at the Cross. He saved Lot from rain of fire, Ninevah from destruction, Isaac from his brother's envy, Israel from the Amalekites and many other nations, the three saints from the furnance etc. His Salvation and His grace has been evident at all times, however, by the Cross the fulness of Grace and truth became understood by the humble.
I suggest reading the Beatitude (Matt 5-7), the last words of Christ to His Disciples (John 14-16), and St. Peter's exhortation for the threatened Christians(1 Pet. 1).
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undifiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heave for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need by, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honour, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love.
Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith- the salvation of your souls. "
"Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit, through whom also he went and preached to the spirits in prison who disobeyed long ago when God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built. In it only a few people, eight in all, were saved through water, and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also—not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a good conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who has gone into heaven and is at God's right hand—with angels, authorities and powers in submission to him."
Let us rejoice at our troubles- for surely God has not forgotten us, but has allowed it so we can come out with great knowledge of ourselves and God.
I am young and I am afraid I am going to be tempted by suicide many more times.. I am terrified by some of Christ's words in the bible and I lose hope.. but I know if I wait Christ comes through.. but what if I do not wait one time.. I am a dead man!
I hope you are not afflicted as me..
God protect you dear sister..
I recommend two books that you buy quickly.. (I have them both and found them helpful)
http://www.amazon.com/Conquering-Depression-Heavenly-Illumined-Teachers/dp/0938635956
http://www.amazon.com/Ways-Overcome-Depression-Frank-Minirth/dp/0800786130
FORGIVE ME IF I AM SEVERLY OFF TOPIC.. AND BY THIS I AGGRAVATE YOUR SORROW.
Always read the agpeya.. Try to always be where there are spiritual talks... beg God with tears for deliverance as much as you can.. I wish I could.. the devils are as if scorched with fire by our tears I read.
do you think your priest would advise you to watch clean general movies (can you draw? to some drawing and do some journaling or do some craft.. I do not know.. I am deeply concerned for you.. can you play sport with others?) or do something else to get your mind off too much religious thinking? but that doesn't mean do not spend time with God because that's what the devil wants.. You need to ask him.. one time my priest advised me to do other stuff thats why I am saying it.. like watch tv when I came with a severe trouble to me. You have to ask your FOC what you should do.. maybe you should type up what you want to say first like I have..
I do not know what type of doubts you are going through.. maybe its not intellectual faith related.. hopefully not.. but even the other types of doubt I suppose can be helped by the same way.. read Romans 16.. if I am understanding it correctly.. others can correct me..
We need to avoid those who give us thoughts that trouble us and make us doubt.. so we don't have to think about what they say.. it might be inevitable that we will be troubled by some of what they say if we happen to hear them.. but we are not to try to argue with the thoughts.. but rather avoid going into it.. (unless we have the talent to refute it.. I think maybe only certain clergy and they have responsibility) ..
St Paul promises if we do this God will shortly crush satan under our feet.. Read it.. Romans 16:20 beneath.. I think it means in the right time God will just confirm our faith in our hearts.. I might of misunderstood.. God have mercy on me..
(NKJV)
Romans 16
Avoid Divisive Persons
17 Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. 18 For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus[d] Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple. 19 For your obedience has become known to all. Therefore I am glad on your behalf; but I want you to be wise in what is good, and simple concerning evil. 20 And the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans 16;&version=50;
Read the pslams I hope they help..
Hold on to
"He shall give His angels charge over you.. to keep you in all your ways.. lest you dash your foot against a stone" therefore as long as you are cliniging to God you are in His hand and you can never perish..
I am worried people will not pray for me because I do not pray so much for others.. but I know God helps.. I want to pray for everyone now.. I think praying for all other people is a good idea for you too.. it makes you remember all the people in your life also.. since you do not want to displease them.. see all the people who will lose respect for you if you ever commited suicide.. this is hard tormenting things to say to you dear sister.. its just I am suffering too.. I feel I have done nearly nothing to be worthy of heaven..
But I hold on to something for the time being I found in a orthodox publishing thing..
"The mercy of God is infinite. Therefore the one who despairs is the author of his own death"
did not Christ save those of the eleventh hour and the right thief? remember Christ loves you as His own daughter.. and He never wishes His daughter to perish..
He said "I will never leave you or forsake you" and
Jeremiah 29:11 (New King James Version)
New King James Version (NKJV)
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
[NKJV at Thomas Nelson] [Thomas Nelson, Inc.]
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
After all this I am afraid I could still be so wicked as to attempt suicide one day.. I ask that you remember me in your prayers.. I comfort you with the comfort I have received directly from God I think and from what I have read..
I recommend you buy the book by H.H Pope Shenouda III The LIFE OF HOPE
you still must go to your FOC.
I hope someone reaches out to you personally..
"when my mother and my father forsake me then the LORD will take care of me" Read Psalm 27
"Noone cares for my soul" Read Psalm 142
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm 142;&version=50;
The psalms have power to remove devils to the one who has faith .. Pope Shenouda III said.. but rememer Christ said if you have faith as a MUSTARD SEED (very small I think you know this)
http://images.google.com.au/images?hl=en&q="mustard+seed"&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi
then you can REMOVE MOUNTAINS.. so always tell God you said if I have faith as a mustard seed you will help me and God will hear you and listen to your.. umm... cry
God Bless you!
Do you think St Paul once had suicidal thoughts? didn't he say he does not want us to be ignorant of the trouble that came to him in asia.. that he was troubled beyond measure.. that he despaired even of life... what did that mean?
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2 corinthians 1;&version=50;
Delivered from Suffering
2 corinthians 1:8 (NKJV)
8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. 9 Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, 10 who delivered us from so great a death, and does[a] deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, 11 you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our[b] behalf for the gift granted to us through many.
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
"Self-murder is by far one of the worst sins known to mankind. They're will be no repentance from it, neither deliverance, nor eternal life for the person. God forbid that his children of light should do such a terrible act."
-St. Cyril of Alexandria
"Whether the sun should not come up at dawn, nor the moon at sunset, or whether your house has been broken into, Suicide should never be the outcome."
-St. John Chrysostom
"Do not make the Lord of hosts suffer any farther from your sins. It has been known to me that due to the sufferings of the people, they have been killing themselves. Let my words be as darts flying into your heart. Suicide is never the answer. For the sake of the almighty let this terrible sin not be among the Sons of God.
-St. Pachomius
Hope these quotes were clear to you,
PK
If you despair you will give up yourself to the false "comfort" of a temporary "relief" AND at the same time to your eternal death, God forbid it. Do not despair because our enemy wants us to give up. You see if you despair, God forbid: it means that you lose faith in our Lord's Almighty Power.
Stand firm both of you and whatever happens thank God we haven't endured the worst tribulations yet. If you repeatedly fail in anything big or small it's not the end of the line, but if you give up then this would be really the end of any possible solution. Everybody fail in something nobody's perfect. The devil tempts you to escape from what he had most probably some way set up for your despair: to make you so tired that you just want to end it all at any cost, it's a well known trick do not fall in the trap.
Do not fear those who can harm the body but your souls cannot be touched unless you let that happen. The Lord will never refuse to help, humble yourself and if you ask Him He will surely give you strength to survive even if it's so painful. Survive then and be sure it won't help anybody be it yourself or others if you vanish, if you had these thoughts, even if things strongly appear to be so. Suicide is a big scam deceit by the enemy and it will NOT be forgiven by the Lord. I will pray for you, please pray for each other and for me.
watch this it helps
and
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=27927f88639ba718c896
GBU
http://www.orthodoxsermons.org/index.php?option=com_docman&task=cat_view&gid=27&Itemid=26
God Bless.
You are basically denying the work of the Holy Spirit (God himself) by taking your own life. If you truly believe in God's power, mercy, and love, then you know that He can take any sinner and turn him/her into a saint! Has anyone ever heard of St. Moses the strong? I'm sure everyone has, but lets not forget that this man committed practically every single sin known to man. He was a ruthless man/theif/adulterer/ killer/ etc... However, because he truly wanted to know God, he became ascetic and lead a very holy life with the monks. Consider his story whenever you are in any despair...remember that you will have to strive to change your ways just as St. Moses did in order to be with God, and He can help you! You are not alone! Again, i cannot STRESS how important it is to read your Bible and agpeya EVERYDAY! now go pray....
GB
Tony
Something you said did catch my attention,
Right now, if you say you aren't going to commit suicide because you wont get eternal life, actually is something i'd just like to mention... I know it's going to get hard, but sometimes just the thoughts that start like that will trigger something else. And the devil does use our OWN thoughts against us and he uses scripture against us when we are really weak. what you need to think about is your love for God, because ultimatley it is everything. in the bible it says we love him because he first loved us. If God sent his only son to save all of us from being condemned, imagine how much he must love us. Imagine the pain that he is feeling watching you suffer like this? It's what any human would feel but amillion times more. He really is you daddy up in heaven. And your love for him would give you the strength to go on because it wouldnt be the fear of eternal hell, but the fear of never being with the Lord. I've been through the mill with this whole suicide thing, and belive me, when you turn it around, heaven on earth is truly a palpable expression. Take it to the Lord in Prayer :)
There is nothing like a silent torment.
God bless.
pp4m.
I am new new to the forum.
I was confronted with your email, and knowing that your problem is very common; and that I myself have had a similar one in the past, and wanted to write back to you and give you 4 advices I follow myself whenever I feel overwhelmed in life.
1- Depression or feeling blue - if that's what you have - as much as it is a clinical problem, it is also a psychological and emotional problem that needs to be addressed. My first advise to you; think about the problems and think how these problems could be solved. You said that your are being blamed for things you have not done, trying to explain this logic to the person blaming you is a good start. I also agree with the previous reply that suggested avoiding these people, if that is an option.
2- Bottling things inside, does not really help. Talking to others about problems helps a lot in many ways. The majority of people experience a relief talking to others. Also, people find support when talking to others about their problem. Afterall, two people think better than one. However, be careful. When it comes to personal matter, besides your FOC, you can only talk to someone you trust. If talking to your FOC more frequently is not feasible, maybe a trust-worthy and mature christian friend will be able to work with you on these problem.
3- These type of thoughts usually occur to someone who is too busy or someone with too much free time. So find which one of those you are. If you are being overwhelemed with things that you are unable to get things done, then you need to free sometime in your schedule, and deligate to other people. On the other hand, if you have too much time on hand, try to get yourself busy in something useful you like; church ministry, hobby you like, sport, course or a class. Very important that if get yourself into one of these things, you need to participate with a group of people, doing something by yourself unlikely to change anything.
Also, the feeling of committing suicide is likely to occur to people who do not have any objective or hope in life. If that's what it is, you need to pursue a definite objective. Sometimes also it is just a thought that appears during years of maturity.
4- Praying and reading the bible everyday. Just as taking an antibiotic course occasionally will not help, but may develope resistenace, praying and bible reading is most effective when done daily, even for a very short time.
I had a similar experience in the past, though I never thought of committing suicide, I often prayed to God to take my life. Later on, I realized that was unthankfulness from my part. When getting closer to God, I got to understand that problems have several meanings in life... I wont delve into this subject to be brief in my reply. But, I can assure you a couple of things; unless you try the sour vinigar you will never appreciate the sweet sugar, and problems - just like anything else - never last forever but exist only for a short time.
Also, life is nothing but a very short time that God gave us on earth. Try to think about it as a train trip to your final destination. While you may not have a very comfortable chair in your trip, jumping off the train will not get you anywhere. Also, remember the parable of the "wise and foolish virgins" that is recited in the midnight prayer.
Not knowing what you are going through, I hope I was helpful. Don't get discouraged, what you are going through happens more or less to everyone. We will remember you in our prayers.
I will leave you with the verse I always remind myself with when facing troubles.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."
James 2-5
In Christ Jesus.
Why don't you try keeping a spiritual journal? Write down how you feel. Get it out on paper. Maybe write personal notes for our Lord. Write of your depair, your distress, your joy, if you feel abandoned, . . . This would be a good output for your emotions and it very well could help you increase in spirituality. I have one and I really like it.
I agree with Clay in that you sound like you both have a lot of people who love you. Coptic Servant, you said that you didn't want to burden them--I'm sure that they would not mind at all helping you. I'm sure it would be better for them if they helped you now rather than feeling guilty if you tell them of your struggle after you're all better. Then they would bear the burden of knowing that they didn't help their loved one in distress--or worse, didn't even know that their loved one is in distress.
I really recommend the spiritual journal.
I hope I can do this.. but some days I am too tired to write anything or I do not have anything important to say.. sometimes I got to choose one I guess.. should I pray or write in a journal?
I have written one entry already maybe 1 week ago. It did help.
God Bless you! and God bless all!
This post still should mostly be about coptic servent.. sorry sis
Thankyou Gods kid
I hope I can do this.. but some days I am too tired to write anything or I do not have anything important to say.. sometimes I got to choose one I guess.. should I pray or write in a journal?
I have written one entry already maybe 1 week ago. It did help.
God Bless you! and God bless all!
This post still should mostly be about coptic servent.. sorry sis
mikeforjesus,
you know what Gods kid said I'm guessing really helps, and since we have the same issue/problem all the advice should go to you as well!! It's like if someone brought in a birthday cake and we both have the same birthday, lets just say that, I can't have the whole cake, we both share, that's what helps, and you don't have to apologize, may God reward you all for the wonderful things you have brought to both mikeforjesus and I!! Sorry, that I haven't replied much to any of you, I'm still in the process of reading them, because I know you all have VERY GREAT advice to give both mikeforjesus and I, and I appreciate your time and effort for taking your spare time to do it, plus they are really long, even if they aren't as they say, small answers lead to bigger solution, or whatever that quote says, sorry I forgot what it said!! God bless you all!!
Forever,
Coptic Servent
You can even vent in it if you're mad at God (if you feel abandoned, etc.).
A meditation on Psalm 13, which teaches us we should not allow tribulations to come between us and God that keep His love from us; rather, we should bring God between us and tribulations so that He keeps their pressures from us.
http://coptichymns.net/index.php?module=library&func=viewpub&tid=1&pid=658
It's long but every person will find great sympathy reading it. I heard it once as an edifying Arabic sermon by HH but I also enjoy reading it at my own pace.
GBU
[quote author=Coptic Servent link=topic=6141.msg81497#msg81497 date=1201487913]
I'm really beginning to get sick of life, and several times I've thought of committing suicide, don't worry I just thought of it, I never tried to, because I know if I do it, I won't have eternal life and I won't enter the kingdom of Heaven, but lately I'm always in bad moods and sometimes mood swings, like I might be happy and then I realize something (like I'm not able to do a certain thing) and then I'll be upset again, been crying secretly, I feel that if I tell anyone or show them my pain, I'll get a lot of attention, and that's and been depressed a lot!! I don't like showing other people what I feel like, because I don't want attention, I know this is a terrible issue, and I've been trying to deal with it for several weeks and months. It's not because I don't get attention, or I don't have any friends, but the problems I've been dealing with lately are starting to sting a little, I've been getting blamed for things I haven't done and I used to only pray at the least 4 times a month, now that my problem is not going away, and I want to get closer to God, to see his light, to see if he can solve my problem, I really need a lot of prayers and I really need help, I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, but I feel that if I don't get help I might do something I may regret! Please help me, I really want to get back to a better and healthier life, I don't like being not happy at all, it bothers me, and I know if I tell anybody they will freak out and try their bestest effort to help me and give up time for me, that's why I don't want to say anything to anybody!!
Forever,
Coptic Servent
Your FOC is right pray extra hard, go to church early and another thing is Tasbeha. It is beautiful when you go past just reading the words in Tasbeha. Read Saint Stories my FOC always says, they give you hope, like the martyrs and the cross-bearers who spent their whole life in the service of either God in solitude or others in the world. Memorize psalms, small ones that you can repeat always in your head. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. The less time you have for thinking about this world the better. God be with you.