Relationship with a Girl

egyboy

hi again,

I am 18 yrs old, freshman in college, and i have met this girl that i like a lot. she is coptic and she is also 18 but older than me by about 9 months and i think i really like her, this could be just a crush but im not sure.  we have known each other for about 5 months and we have been relatively close friends for the past month.  I have to admit that i am quite attracted to her but i am not sure if she feels the same way.  I have never dated a girl because i know that it can lead to sin unless i am serious about her and contemplating marriage.  for some reason or another i feel that this girl is the one for me and i think about her a lot.  Its even gotten to the point that when i listen to alhan i keep thinking of what she would think of my voice if i was singing the alhan (i know this sounds pathetic and we should only sing alhan to praise God).  I like talking to her and just laughing and joking around with her.  We even get into mini-arguments about pointless things and we just laugh together in the end but I cant exactly tell if she likes me or not. I really need some help and advise because I am really confused on what the next step should be or if there should even be a next step.

thank you and please pray for me

mabsoota

hi, egyboy,
have you done the usual things?
pray, fast, speak to your FOC?
i recommend a day's fast specifically on this issue and trying (it may be hard!) to think about God and not about this lady. in your fast pray a lot (all if poss) of the agpeya and read parts of the Bible describing God's greatness.
then find out how she feels. depending on your situation, you may want to involve family members to find out discretely if she thinks about marriage yet at this age.
then if she is interested in principle, gradually get to know her better (within your group of friends) and check out with a friend if he or she sees what you see. ('interested' body language etc). then ask her if she has similar feelings about you (again, its a really good idea to have a family member or aunt/uncle acting as intermediary on this one).
lastly wait patiently. someone close to me met his wife on the first day of university, he was 18, she was 19. however she was nowhere near ready for a relationship so he had to back off and only gradually become her (non-romantic) friend. and then with the help of other friends they finally became engaged 2 years later. one of the families was supportive, the other not at all, so they took it easy, spending lots of time hanging out with their big group of friends and giving the unwilling family members time to get to know them slowly. they didn't get married till the man was 21. that was 13 years ago, they have 2 lovely children.
:)

egyboy

[quote author=mabsoota link=topic=7649.msg100342#msg100342 date=1235008150]
have you done the usual things?
pray, fast, speak to your FOC?
i recommend a day's fast specifically on this issue and trying (it may be hard!) to think about God and not about this lady. in your fast pray a lot (all if poss) of the agpeya and read parts of the Bible describing God's greatness.
then find out how she feels. depending on your situation, you may want to involve family members to find out discretely if she thinks about marriage yet at this age.
:)


actually i havent tried fasting or speaking with my FOC about this topic. It could just be a crush and i am in no way ready to get married so i dont really see the need to speak with abouna.

are there any signs i should be looking out for if she likes me? no one else knows about this scenario except for me and this forum (and God of course ;D) so i dont really want to involve anyone else at the moment because if she doesnt really like me in that way, in the end we will ruin our good friendship because of a crush i had on her...
it doesnt seem logical...at least not until i see a clear sign that she likes me or she tells me so

thanks you and please pray for me

user00

...But even if she does like you, what good will that be to you? In fact, it would probably be for your best if she doesn't like you (that way),,,

I know someone about your age who has had that same problem with a few different guys (she's a girl), and God must really love her because the guy never return the affection, although she literally like worshipped the other person.

The way I see it, even if you were old enough to be thinking about marriage (out of college, steady job), you shouldn' love your wife more than you love God. I know it's painful to think that we love anything more than God, but for a tremendous number of us, myself included, we all love things above God-- whether it be a girl, a boy, a friend, money, shopping, material things, lusts, our studies, our jobs, popularity.. the list goes on forever. That is not to say these things are bad, but they should be in moderation. The whole point of marraige (which has been skewed in today's society) is to strengthen your relationship with God and raise saints (ideally). So think about it, when did God ever take over all your thoughts like this girl is doing now? When was the time when you couldn't think about anything but God, when you wanted to see Him when He hears your voice, when you couldn't wait to see Him?

I don't mean to sound harsh in any way, I don't intend to. I speak to myself before I speak to you. --but your story touched my heart, because it is so familiar to me. I think the alhan part is only an indication that the relationship has gone too far, even if this relationship exists only in your heart or imagination. I think you should pray that God give you to see her as a sister that you love just as any other nice girl in Church and when the time comes, then God will bless you with a wife better than one you would have picked out for yourself.

Having trouble with what I said? Think of it as she is a human like you. She is not perfect. If you're the romantic type, think that she is not the love you're looking to fill your life with. Again, you must trust me. That love, as hackneyed as it might sound, can only come from God. St. Augustine says, "our hearts are restless until they take rest in YOU [God]." Actually, that book is appropriate, it's The Confessions of St. Augustine. It's one of the greatest books I've ever read, I actually read it only recently. The beginning is a bit slow, but that's always true of masterpiece books. Seriously, invest time in reading it.

So basically, replace the girl with God and and God bless.

egyboy

wow user00, u bring up a lot of good points, and btw im not offended at all ;D
does anyone know of a reasonable way of liking her as a freind/sister?? its hard to just deny my feelings about her and im just not sure how to get her out of my mind.

I will pray and ask God to help me with this situation.

Thanks for your advise so far
please pray for me and my weakness

mabsoota

Hi user00, i am also reading the confessions of st augustine, it rocks!
also i agree with your advice.
egyboy, hey if you're not ready to get married then none of my points above apply! but maybe think of them later  ;)
if you have feelings for her, it may be a while before you can be just friends, so keep things as they are and be 'not-best' friends, if this is just a crush it will pass with time. then you can be better friends after you stop having a crush (if you still want to be). meanwhile appreciate all your other friends and also build your spiritual life, so you can be prepared for marriage if/when it happens  :)

Amoussa01

egyboy,

I dont think anyone can give you more meaningful advice than what i am about to write. The reason is because i have gone through what you are going through, even the alhan thing! This is very bad! The point of our beautiful hymns is to praise God, not to get praise from others or show off (especially to someone you like). I really have sympathy for what you are going through but a relationship now is not going to lead to anything good. You will be taking the risk of investing in feelings for someone which you will most likely not end up with if you start a relationship now. First of all, you are in no position in looking for someone now that you just started college. You say that this girl distracts you from praying to God with the hymns; imagine what this would do to your studies, your family, your job, and most importantly your spirituality. You should just consider her a friend and once things are ready for you to settle down (meaning that you have a job and are able to uphold a family and are spiritually mature ), then you can start looking for potential mates. For now, just focus on God, family, and studies. This will make you developed and prepared for the marriage life.

God bless
Tony

egyboy

Thanks for all of the great advice guys, I really appreciate it.

Please pray for me.